Happy and suicidal?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JackDoe, Oct 25, 2015.

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  1. JackDoe

    JackDoe Member

    tl;dr: Can you be happy and still want to kill yourself?

    Suicide and suicidal thoughts are often associated with depression, adversity and pain. But what if that isn't the case?

    I find myself in a very unusual situation, based on the numerous forum posts I've read. I'm pretty sure I'm suicidal. But my life is also in a very agreeable place. I have a home, a family and a degree in the making. Yet I feel like killing myself. Literally.

    I've "tried" to kill myslelf once, but that was nothing but a half-assed cry for attention. This time, I find myself looking at ways to expire quietly, without anyone suspecting suicide. I've never really liked living, even though life has had a way of working out for me.

    So why am I here, posting my thoughts? I want to answer two things: Firstly, I'd like to know if anyone else has ever felt the same way. Secondly, I'd like an outsider's perspective: can everything really be OK, if I want to die?
  2. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    There is definitely something wrong but it may not be your situations but rather your chemical makeup it sounds like (I am not an expert). you should probably see a psychiatrist about it (in my opinion)
  3. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    i am someone who was once happy and suicidal. when i do eventually kill myself i will hopefully still be in a place with my life where i can say i'm happy. i see suicide sort of as a way of being able to go out while my life circumstances are still positive.

    but your life sounds different. it seems like you're right in the middle of life, rather than reaching toward a conclusion. i'm suicidal because i'm ugly and i think the afterlife will be a better place for me than this life, where my options are limited because of the way i look. and to some extent, my cognition - i have a thin face, which is why i'm ugly and slightly dependent on stimulants (mainly just coffee or caffeine pills).

    i have thought this through and i believe in an afterlife where i won't be "limited" anymore and hopefully i'll be able to experience the cool things that i am cut off from in this life.
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I sort of feel like the way you feel now, so im not 100% sure what our deal is. I think the suicidal fantasies give us a sense of control, like we have the power to end the complications and pains of life whenever we want. Another reason is that suicidal thoughts have such a habit for me during bad times that even though I am in better circumstances now I still have those thought out of habit. Either way though we shouldn't forget that these thoughts are healthy, they're not, and all it takes is a really bad night for these thoughts to become actions. Please keep reaching out, either here, to friends, or a crisis line if the thoughts really start to seem like a good idea
    2 people like this.
  5. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is exactly how I would describe myself. I'm happy, but suicidal. I've asked a lot and there are some people here who are going through the same. Not a lot, but there is some. I feel like I am in the same place as you. I have a home, a family, a degree in the making. I tell myself I am perfectly fine, but can that really be the case if I don't want to be here.
  6. Yoko

    Yoko Seeker of Darkness

    Yes, I deal with suicidal thoughts daily, but I still live quite functionally. It's strange at times. I lose myself in the thoughts, but eventually I pull through.

    I have friends. I have a life, and I have vices I use to escape the thoughts.

    The problem is I just can't tell anyone about it. It has caused a lot of stress in the past. I'd rather they not know and not have to worry. I believe things will be okay.

    I believe things will be okay for you, too. Do you have things you can do to escape your thoughts?
  7. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    I too am suicidal but "happy". I currently do ECT 2 a month so that I can break those suicidal thoughts. I guess you could say I don't have a very strong desire to live. For me I think it might be about control. I would definitely get it addressed by a professional so you don't do something impulsive.
  8. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Many people have felt the same way. Depression has two major types- the sad / depressed that is easily recognized and the less noticed but just as difficult loss of interest in all things and just loss of will to live. It is the loss of interest in things that tends to make people start asking "what is the point?" or "why bother?" and sadly these people are very often completely overlooked since the do not seem "depressed enough". More importantly, since they do not feel "sad", they very often do not believe they need help and think therapy or medication are only for the super sad / crying uncontrollably all the time. Some care providers - particularly GP's as opposed to actual psyche professionals are even slower to offer real help but if you read the diagnostic criteria for depression loss of interest in things or the fact you simply no longer get joy form things is just as diagnostically significant as sadness.

    So, the answer to the second part- yes , everything can be okay- and will be much easier and sooner if you take these feeling seriously and get real help from professionals since in the every day world describing your feelings just gets a response like"you just need to find something interesting to do" or "you are just bored". You have just as serous situation as somebody that is crying uncontrollably- different symptoms do not make the situation less serious or real. Getting real help and treating it yourself just as seriously as "real depression" i simportant- because it is real and things can get better so you feel like it is worth it and find joy in living again.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  9. JackDoe

    JackDoe Member

    Thanks for all you guys' replies, it's really nice to find people who can relate.
    I guess I should actually go see someone. Feels weird to make it "official".

    I seldom actively think about killing myself, it's more of a desire to die. There's a difference, in my opinion. It's not even that I would have lost interest in things; I do enjoy my hobbies and going out with friends. I am quite capable of having fun. That's why I'm so confused about my deathwish.

    Control issues might very well be at the core of my problem, but it's impossible to assess from the inside.

    Once again, Thanks!
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