What can i say? I thought it had subsided.. It did for a few days. But i knew it would sneek in. I feel happier lately, less anxious, more able to plan ahead.. So why am i secretly planning to get out? I keep remembering things. Everything that's happened over these 2-3 years. The countless failed friendships, the relationships that took away part of me each time. And so many failed tries. I'm not sure anymore, i feel so happy, so social, so resigned to my bad situation. It's not "me" i am never like this.. It should be good right? "Spongebob: wrong!" It feels like the precursor to the last calm before you go. That peaceful joy of everything, because you know it's the last time you can experience it. Trying to get your friends to be happy, so they can handle the loss.. Honestly, i have my plans. I know it won't fail this time. Knowing that.. I feel almost invincible. No matter how bad things get, i know it will be short lived. That i can soon be ready to go when ever i please.. I feel no more stress about my life. It's basically over. I am still scared.. Just thinking about the process of dying. Having panic attacks for so long.. It's scary to know someday i won't be able to force my self to breathe.. That's about the extent of my worry. I have basically lost everyone, so they won't have to know. They wouldn't care anyways. My family, and two others.. They will be hurt. Then again my family has helped me here. One person atleast.. So i guess i'm happy. Outwardly i'm optimistic too. Historically i only tried in a moment of severe pain. This time i'll go smiling. I know i can resign my self to death, i've done it before.. I just messed up before. I tried to ask for help. Not bluntly, that just makes people hurt me for it. I told them i'm depressed, told them i hate how life is, told them nothing was helping, told them i've resigned to everything, told them everything except i'm ready. So i guess i'll be happy for now. Keep enjoying it while it last. Prepare while i can. Keep fighting the memories. Keep dropping signs.. Praying someone can offer me a reason not to. That someone can free me from my cycle of self loathing. When that fails.. I'll be sure to say goodbye to my friends.