1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Happy Birthday mama! Hmmmmm...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by expressive_child, Jul 30, 2007.

  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Well mum, I know it is your birthday today and dad is probably gonna cook something special for you and for all of us and I know that. But I guess you shouldn't be surprised if I don't show up tonight cos you probably know that I won't be. You know? Its really hard for me to pretend and put on a face and paint a smile anymore, when I am obviously unhappy with our family. I don't know how do you, dad and bro can actually fake it so well but I must be stupid cos I just couldn't, at least I should say I can't do that anymore.

    This world is itself full of lies and fakeness, and if I can't be myself even in my own family then I doubt if there is any real truth at all. In my life, I have been through too much of heartache and way too much of pain and to hold it back with a smile and let it torment and burn me deeper is not something I can bear with. I was thinking, even if I don't wish you verbally or give you a card or anything, you should be grateful that I am still wishing you from my heart. I know this year will be your retirement after more than 30 years of teaching. So this will be the last year you are celebrating your birthday as a teacher.

    But its just too bad, I won't be there to celebrate with you cos I just can't do it. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry with you, its not worth to feel mad anymore. I mean I just can't act like our lives are normal so don't force me to. Dad reminds us last week but I can tell the message was meant for me when he said;

    'Next week will be your mum's last birthday celebration as a teacher. I REALLY hope we can celebrate it all together as a family'.

    Well, if I have to be there tonight with an unhappy face and don't even look at you, I think I will ruin your celebration cos I can't hold my feelings back. In a way, I am trying not to cause any chaos and I hope you can appreciate that. You won't hear this from my own mouth, or at least not sincerely even if I feel compelled to say it. But in a way, I tried. Well, so, here goes nothing:

    :bday: ​


    Gentlelady said it right; I can forgive you for being the way you were, but that does not mean I have to forgive what you've done. Well, I can't say I have totally forgiven you in whatever way right now, I guess I am trying to work on it and maybe someday I will. But don't get me wrong mum, we will never be close again. Only difference is, I might not be angry with you no more and thats the best I can do. It takes an angel to forget and forgive something like that and I am not one, so I guess being the imperfect child I am, thats the most I can promise you. Sorry, I guess I'm just not perfect enough for you.

    Again, I am sorry I won't be home for the celebration tonight and I needn't explain anymore. Happy birthday mum... :smile:​
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :hug: You are on your way expressive child. Things do not happen overnight. it takes time and a lot of soul searching. You have begun the journey. i wish you success. :hug: