Happy Birthday mama! Hmmmmm...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by expressive_child, Jul 30, 2007.

  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Well mum, I know it is your birthday today and dad is probably gonna cook something special for you and for all of us and I know that. But I guess you shouldn't be surprised if I don't show up tonight cos you probably know that I won't be. You know? Its really hard for me to pretend and put on a face and paint a smile anymore, when I am obviously unhappy with our family. I don't know how do you, dad and bro can actually fake it so well but I must be stupid cos I just couldn't, at least I should say I can't do that anymore.

    This world is itself full of lies and fakeness, and if I can't be myself even in my own family then I doubt if there is any real truth at all. In my life, I have been through too much of heartache and way too much of pain and to hold it back with a smile and let it torment and burn me deeper is not something I can bear with. I was thinking, even if I don't wish you verbally or give you a card or anything, you should be grateful that I am still wishing you from my heart. I know this year will be your retirement after more than 30 years of teaching. So this will be the last year you are celebrating your birthday as a teacher.

    But its just too bad, I won't be there to celebrate with you cos I just can't do it. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry with you, its not worth to feel mad anymore. I mean I just can't act like our lives are normal so don't force me to. Dad reminds us last week but I can tell the message was meant for me when he said;

    'Next week will be your mum's last birthday celebration as a teacher. I REALLY hope we can celebrate it all together as a family'.

    Well, if I have to be there tonight with an unhappy face and don't even look at you, I think I will ruin your celebration cos I can't hold my feelings back. In a way, I am trying not to cause any chaos and I hope you can appreciate that. You won't hear this from my own mouth, or at least not sincerely even if I feel compelled to say it. But in a way, I tried. Well, so, here goes nothing:

    :bday: ​

    Gentlelady said it right; I can forgive you for being the way you were, but that does not mean I have to forgive what you've done. Well, I can't say I have totally forgiven you in whatever way right now, I guess I am trying to work on it and maybe someday I will. But don't get me wrong mum, we will never be close again. Only difference is, I might not be angry with you no more and thats the best I can do. It takes an angel to forget and forgive something like that and I am not one, so I guess being the imperfect child I am, thats the most I can promise you. Sorry, I guess I'm just not perfect enough for you.

    Again, I am sorry I won't be home for the celebration tonight and I needn't explain anymore. Happy birthday mum... :smile:​
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :hug: You are on your way expressive child. Things do not happen overnight. it takes time and a lot of soul searching. You have begun the journey. i wish you success. :hug: