Happy in my own misery?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Sep 24, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Is this true? Will things ever change, will I ever change? Because its completely up to me, no one else. While I understand there are some things currently that are causing issues, at what point will I be able to turn myself around? During this "experience" or after? Will I make it that far? Will some impulsivness take over and that'll be that? Do I want to change? Am I just happier the way I am, do I feel safer in my negative thoughts and behaviors? Do i have the courage to actually change, to face some past demons and to deal with them, to understand myself better, to live?

    How do we move forward, when it feels like we are constantly on something similar to a hamster wheel? When we try so hard, yet return again going in the same circles? Its exhausting and very self defeating.

    Is it worth the effort to keep trying and trying and trying? At what point will we see some positive results? i'm sure there have been some, I just can't see them too well. Again, its goes back to feeling safer and comfortable in negativity and misery.

    How does one break this cycle??
     
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Nobody likes to feel miserable but the reality is that learning more productive coping mechanisms is very difficult. I think the trick is to get out of our comfort zone progressively by experiencing new things, by acting a little bit different than we do usually and observe more positive outcomes. But at the beginning, its like learning how to drive, its can generate lots of anxiety. That's why most people start driving in an empty parking lot and not on a Los Angeles highway at traffic hours. Building up on small steps and patience are key, IMO. You keep focusing on the process rather that over-analyzing everything. That would be like watching the grass grows on a Sunday afternoon. It takes a while to realize we have changed.
     
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i know this feeling

    like were meant to live sad:i'm sorry:
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both.

    I'm not inclined to think that anyone is meant to live sad. I would agree though that some people face different challenges in life which can certainly make us sad.

    I've thought about this a bit today and I would have said I wasn't sad, I would've called my feelings something else. But on reflection I think a part of it is sadness. Unresolved sadness.

    And I know in the near future there will be more in my life. How then do I not allow those feelings once again overtake my rational thinking? At what point is enough, enough? How can i do all this on my own? Even these thoughts are extremely anxiety ridden. It is a viscious circle, like im fighting myself. Its so draining.
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

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    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2011
  6. DarkFuture

    DarkFuture Member

    I agree with you. All those motivational books, quotes, thoughts etc do not give relief when really needed. When we are caught between web of confusing thoughts, nothing seems to work. We constantly keep on descending to this bottomless well.

    The reason behind this maybe, our body maybe way 2 less on serotonin, this could be real reason. Its like a grinder, whatever you feed it, it will only grind them, same as whatever you think, you wil always reach at negative conclusion. Sometimes I think killing yourself maybe the only escape.
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I can only speak of my own experience, so here goes...Sometimes it feels safer to worry about the things I'm familiar with and the known evil (current feelings) is thus the lesser evil. It's not so much that I'm happy in my misery, but that I'm "used to it." New things, new ideas might have worse miseries? I'm a chicken. :)

    Also, I find frustration, sadness and anger can get tied up together. They are a real snarl and escalate each other. And certain situations are like triggering emotional flashbacks - not the same situations, but the same emotional responses.

    If things that I could handle one at a time all happen close together or without enough time for healing between them, they wear me down. People sometimes think I'm looking to my past when I should just let it go. (There's some merit to that.) However, often what is happening, is that I'm still trying to stand up again. And without support or help, it can be really hard sometimes, especially if a lot is happening and if I know (as in I know, not just feel afraid) that more hard stuff is just around the corner.
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both for your input.

    DarkFuture - I understand your feelings and I've felt that way at times. I think I'm trying to avoid going down that dark path as much as I can. So I need to try and get out of my patterns of behavior & thinking.

    Acy - I'm a bit of a chicken too, tbh. I think our minds are comfortable with what they are used to. Its a struggle to rewire them ourselves, you know? Like with better patterns of thinking etc. I don't know, I'm just thinking aloud. I agree completely re similar emotional situations being triggering, its one thing I struggle with currently. I hope, in time, to move on/past/through but it really is so damn hard. And right now I just can't go there, there is enough in the present to rattle what little grey cells I have!

    Hmmm... well one to ponder anyhow. Change, of any sort, is scary and difficult. And with heightened stress/sadness etc., it just doesn't seem possible sometimes and so I'll revert to what I know, just for comfort & easyness sake I suppose.

    :hug: Take care
     
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo, I know it's frustrateing not to know..All you can do is take it one day at a time..I also feel like a mouse on a wheel..Does it ever change thats what I want to know.. Or are we stuck on these paths that intertwine with each other..All I know is haveing friends IRL or not helps..There is usually someone there to pick you up when you fall..I hope your day is a good one..Take Care!!
     
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I also feel like we have some internalized standard about how we are supposed to react to trauma, and when we do not, we feel we have failed...you have so much on your plate right now, that maybe, it calls for being understandable and kind to yourself...any reasonable person would be saddened by what you are going through...please know there are so many ppl here who care
     
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