happy not to have relationships... can someone explain why they're so great?!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by warrabinda, Feb 18, 2011.

  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    so i have platonic relationships with friends. i mean romantic ones.
    for the life of me i can't be bothered.
    i just have always been independent. i feel overwhelming social pressure to be in one, and a fear i will regret missing out.
    i'm 22.
    had a shockingly bad experience as a teenager. the experience was bad, not the person mind you. the person was far from perfect though anyway.
    i have boundary issues. i get freaked out with even the hint of intimacy. i even get a bodily sensation that goes with it. i want to get in foetal position and whimper! i feel grossed out.
    i can't really say i've ever felt that genuine attraction where you LOVE someone, it's usually on retrospect i realise lust, physical attraction or kind of being star strucked.
    i don't feel incomplete. i've never understood the 'you complete me' line because we're born complete. i think expecting someone to add you is... bizarre to put it mildly. it seems unfair to expect someone to do that? they're expecting the same from you really.
    and it's an attachment. it's not secure. nothing in life is certain.

    i guess i'm oddly...relieved realising i don't have to have a relationship if i don't want to. there's too many things i could do... like bigger things...dedicate my life to the benefit of the community for example. relationships, to me TO ME (NOT IMPOSING MY BELIEF ON ANYONE!) seem self indulgent in a way. i don't see what's being achieved that hasn't before. i'm only going to live once. i guess just from my friends when they talk about wanting partners it's just that, they want to feel loved, or about their needs. i haven't met someone yet who says 'i want to meet someone and care and love them for who THEY ARE etc etcetc'

    i've stopped being jealous, when i see people in love because it's just not in store for me. life, in the relationships department, has not been kind and it won't happen. and i'm ok with that. sometimes i get angry that it's turned out this way. but mostly i'm relieved.

    i'd like to foster one day or do some child respite to help out with kids already on planet earth because i reckon parents these days have it damn hard. in teh western world anyway there aren't plenty of communities where child rearing is shared, it's now jsut a two people job you know? it takes a village to raise a child! i don't need my own person.

    i also have a body that is horrid, but that's a self esteem issue. i know if someone loves you it's regardless of your 'flaws'.

    is there something really wrong with me?? am i just anti social?? i don't know anyone my age who feels the same...
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    That's just my two cents but here it is. When you say, bigger things, dedicating yourself to the community, if you are not even able to look for one person, then, what does it mean? Nothing. Its like a gardener not looking after each individual plants. Garden is a concept which encompasses specific plants which thrives under the gardener care. Community is just an abstraction if it is not composed of individuals. If we choose objects of devotion, and if those are people, necessarily it means relationships. It does not have to be romantic relationships, that's only one form. In my opinion, a relationship with a child requires a level of commitment and intimacy way beyond what any healthy romantic relationship requires. They all comes with attachments, responsibilities, headaches and heartbreaks, joy and sadness, fulfillment and loss, the whole kit and caboodle. One can decide to stay away from all that and never embrace anything or anybody fully out of fear. But then one not only avoid all the troubles, but one miss also the most important part of living, which is love. Love expresses itself in the care and attention you give (and receive) and hence, you cant love the whole world and still say it means anything. Care and attention require time and energy, which we all have in limited supply. Love is not generic, its specific.

    Now about romantic love or any love between adults for that matter. Of course people want to be loved back. That whole unconditional love thingie some people rave about is just pure BS. The only unconditional love anybody is entitled to have in this world is that of her, his parents because one is completely dependent on their care, and is all about needs. When you become an adult, all relationships become an exchange where people are constantly negotiating what is given and what is received, the need for individual space and the need for relatedness.
  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i love you icon!
    I get that, the whole looking after one person vs the community. i do care about people individually, i just don't feel romantically towards them. the need to have a partner romantically is just not there. I guess when i'm talking about love i am also talking about the practical side, not just the feeling. regardless of how i feel on any particular day i still express my committment to my community, patients, friends through caring about them and supporting them. I get a lot of joy out of it.

    i think i should clarify that's what i mean. relationships take time and effort and you're committing yourself to another person, as you said negotiate agreements... by myself i am free to follow my own dreams which are unconventional.

    I am only coming from my own experience, as i said relationships so far have not been...at all great. not even good. where i live i don't fit in (whinge whinge). in other areas of my life i'm doing really well. i never have good luck with guys, and that's not to be interpreted as me saying they are crap; they're not. i'm saying there's no interest from them to me. over time i've just come to accept my singleness and yeah if someone comes along that's ok, but i'm not going to seek relationships because i feel pressured, not because i genuinely care and love the person. that seems cruel.
  4. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    You sound very sensible. But you're only 22, so don't write it off as a possibility way down the line. I married at 34 and all in all, had a great time being single. In general people are just way too much in a rush to get committed without first figuring out where they wanna go with their life. If you cant enjoy being single, imo, being with somebody wont be that much fun either. You seem to be your own person and that's great. Funily enough, because you don't feel the need, you have much more chance to end up with just the right person for you. So don't let bad experiences taint your view forever about romantic relationships. There is much to be said about them. But they are not necessary to have a fulfilling life.

    You know years ago, somebody gave me that advice which has served me very well. In life, you got two questions to answer:
    1. Where you are going?
    2. With whom are you going there?
    And its very important you answer those questions in that exact order.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2011
  5. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    Thank you Marijo. That was very... touching.

    I never felt "that" kind of love either OP. I used to think relationships were dumb until you were financially secure because they interfere with work, progress, and other things. The problem I have is that when you are depressed. You doubt yourself. People get to you. They tell you that you are not complete without another. That nature dictates you mate, and love is required. Survival of the fittest requires breeding and passing on genes.

    Truth is that I have had a huge attachment to someone recently. It has completely counteracted my way of thinking. If I am attached to them, and the best way to let them go is to attach to someone else. What do I do? I'm 23. It took me 23 years to have a full blown attachment someone usually has in their teens. In my depressed state it creates doubt, but without relationships I am probably mentally a teenager when it comes to the subject. So, should I have a relationship to "mature" in that area for if and when I do feel like a relationship, or do I continue to go without relationship that will probably end prematurely anyway?
  6. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Well, first of all, I don't believe in chasing one attachment with another. I think its unfair to use people as emotional spare tires. So, I always took the time to "mourn" the relationship and rebuild my life to the point I was comfortable to be alone. Secondly, I think one should go with a person because one is interested in the person in herself/himself and think there is a good chance for the relationship to work in the long term. I don't believe in "using" somebody else heart as target practice for whatever reasons. If the two persons have an understanding that the relationship is not serious and wont get serious, its fine. But in my experience, it is rarely the case and more often than not, one sees his hopes crushed and ends up feeling used. Its very different when the two give the relationship an honest try and fail. But that just my two cents.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2011
  7. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    I don't use people as emotional spare tires either. That wasn't what I was talking about. Most people try to move on by getting a new girl. I can't do that. I also have yet to rebuild my life to the point where I was comfortable to be alone. Hasn't happened yet in the past year, and I was never in a relationship with anyone to begin with.

    I don't think any relationship with me could work in the long run. What is the point to even starting a relationship then?
  8. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    I hope they don't give corniness rating at SF cause I am doomed with this post.

    I think I misunderstood some of what you wrote in your previous post. You're only 23. You should not throw the towel or sell yourself short. Why would not you be able to make a relationship work in the long run if it is what you want? People in relationships are just like you, imperfect people. And more, they are people who love somebody who is not perfect either. Every time you embark in a journey with somebody, there is a risk it might flop. That's life. Its not you, it just is. The important is the willingness to make it works. And even if it does not last, you learn out of it and then try again when you are up to it. If you don't feel ready for one, its perfectly okay. There is nothing wrong with that. But not being ready for one now does not mean you cant give it a try tomorrow. Its a good thing you respect your feelings enough not to rush into something for the sake of not being alone. I think its quite mature. After my first heart break, I was a year and half not wanting to have anything to do with anybody. And there was quite a few more fiascoes after that one. So I think I get how you feel. And you know, some flowers bloom in early spring, some mid-summer, some late fall. So don't worry about your age. We go through life at our own pace. Its not a race, its about letting ourselves unfold and grow. Say, you paint. The first painting you will do, it might not look that great, despite giving it your best shot. Still, its something. The second might be a bit better. And so on and so on, until you become good at it. Well, loving somebody, its a bit of an art. There might be quite a few doodles before you figure out what works and what does not. And honestly, even when you are with the right person for you, you can never take it for granted. So, in a nutshell, respect where you are now but don't think it defines you or your chances to be with somebody one day if it is what you want. Hope this helps better than the last post. My apologies again if you felt I misunderstood where you were coming from.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2011
  9. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i feel that 23 is far too young to be so serious which is ironic considering the context of this forum haha!

    i feel like everyone my age is so serious... so adult and settled in. able to have mature relationships. it's like everyone's grown up and i'm still little. and i feel like such a failure
  10. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    When you're ready and you find someone who is right for you, you'll be fine. Better that than frantically trying to be in a relationship because it's the norm. Work on being happy with you and pay no mind to such things until you are.

    I think you'll find that everyone else isn't as mature as you might imagine and that you are more mature than you give yourself credit for. Don't judge your life by societal norms or other people's lives.
  11. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Me too! I never quite understood what the rush was all about! I don't think anybody is a failure, I think we're a process and we learn by trials and errors. Everybody wants to go to point A to point B as fast as possible. We don't get to see much of the of the landscape that way. There much to say for leisurely walks ;) .