Happy Planning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by galalleni, Jul 3, 2008.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy All,

    I notice something when I'm having suicidal thinking - I actually setup a date in my head and work out all the details - like I've done for august 16th of this year, I'm not going to put down the method (in case anyone knows me and tries to stop it).

    I was wondering if it's typical to have all this planning down before doing the deed. It'll stop a lot of grief and misery my family is going through - they've had to deal with my depression for the past 24 years - I figure if I can liberate them I'll be doing them a favor (we've gotten past the whole if you commit suicide I'll be sad phase) - they'll see it as a relief if anything.

    Just hope no one stops me - thought I'd post 'cause people start to wonder when you stop communicating after a particular date.

    Already told my counselor that I planned for a day after the date I'm really planning - she won't stop me though - which is kinda funny when I think about it. Recently I've been laughing and crying for no reason whatsoever - I used to feel hopeless and trapped, now that I have a plan I feel very liberated and free but still sad.
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello,
    Why are you setting a date to commit? Is there no other avenue to explore? You know if you commit there is no backing out of it. Do you honestly think you aren't going to leave behind anyone to mourn you? If there are any children in your family this will scar them for life.
    It is hard to give advice when you are suicidal your self. You have to find something to hang on to, or someone to lean on. You can't fight it alone. You need someone preferably a professional like a therapist.
    I for one don't want to hear you have passed. You have a whole world to explore. I know because I have traveled and have seen alot, I've been to France,Germany, Okinawa, Phillipines, And Mexico. I have also traveled around the States.
    I think I have lived a full life. I am waiting to see something else, like my grandaughter. Please think it over . There has to be just one little thing to keep you safe! Good Luck--:chopper:--
     
  3. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    They probably won't agree about feeling relieved. But I actually agree with you. Waiting until you're married with kids means that killing yourself will leave a much bigger mess. I wish I'd been a bit more aggressive and had a bit more follow-through with some of my attempts back in high school and college. It just seems like the optimal time of life to kill yourself.

    Yes, it's a funny combination of feelings, isn't it?
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i hope that you will find a small bit of hope to carry on. that's all you need, really, just a little bit of hope. while in therapy we can expect to feel worse for some time, before the healing truly starts. it's exhausting being mentally ill, to be sure, but with time i am confident that you can start the recovery process. maybe your family are also tired, but it's the illness that tells you that you'd be doing them a favour. i don't think your death would be a relief for them. more of a tragedy. and it would be a tragedy for us too. you have fought for a very long time. it's not time for you to give up yet.

    have I pestered you to get the mary ellen copeland workbook on depression (and bipolar)??? i ask because she presents a model that meshes well for me, and that is a model based on recovery and wellness. it's cheap on amazon and well worth getting. i think you might find it useful. she writes that we are experts on our own illness and that we are the ones that know best what steps we need to take in order to start to feel well again.

    i hope you reconsider between now and august. nobody will think less of you if you change your mind, and i hope you do.
     
  5. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    You may have gotten past this, but have they? Or are you saying they've actually come out and explicitly said this? Interesting, if so. Quite foreign to my personal experience.
     
  6. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I have done the same had all the planning etc done, then sometimes something has gone wrong, like someone who would normally be out has come home etc. I don't what is normal as committing suicide isn't normal.
     
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    My planning consists of deciding I'll stay alive until...then decide.
     
  8. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Re: Happy Planning *trig*

    Thanks for the posts. I'm not feeling so horrible - but I still have the August date set (provides me with a measure of sanity still).

    *TRIGGERING BELOW, BE CAREFUL*

    My attempts have usually gone awry due to stupid mistakes I've made, non-intentional mistakes. As some examples, throwing a hairdryer or toaster in the bathtub doesn't work - it shorts to the drain, not even affecting you. Hanging requires a proper noose, I used a belt and was left hanging alive for four hours until somebody came and got me down. I tried lighting myself on fire, but my legs started burning and my clothes self-extinguished the fire leaving me with some scars on my legs - plus it hurts like absolute hell to be on fire. Speaking of scars on my legs, I have several on my thigh where I tried to find the femoral artery with a butcher knife. I took over the LD50 (Lethal Dose 50%) of Ambein in mg/kg for my weight and woke up completely unaffected - but I tore the phone off the wall and threw all my fruniture around without knowing it. Tried cutting the wrists - but your more likely to cut open your tendon and not use your arms anymore than reaching the artery (I stopped before I got past muscle). Lets see... What else have I tried... Jumping off the mountain I live next to (has a 500ft cliff edge) - but even with booze and drugs in my system I couldn't bring myself to jump - damn survival instinct (I'm scared of heights as it is).

    For all of these things I've spent about a years time in the hospital, throughout my younger years (5 years ago). Only recently has my severe depression relapsed, in addition to my alcoholism and drug use. I've gotten over the drug use and alcohol, but I can't seem to shake the disappointment, sadness, hopelessness, financial ruin, suicidal thoughts, and general insanity I get when I'm too close to the edge (the psychotic part of my depression).

    And yes, my family has told me that they are done being upset about my depression and suicidality - they have told me they just don't want to 'deal with me' any more and they wish I didn't have these problems but they don't want to deal with them any more.

    BTW, There are no children in my family - and my relatives don't understand the word 'family'.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2008
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I gotcha!!
     
  10. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yeah, for some, I think it is. I make a suicide to do list, which is pretty lame really. It makes it all seem pretty mundane though, and is quite comforting. But at least by setting a date you are deciding to live that long, there are always two sides to the coin. I think it also removes the immediate desperation. You drop into a state where everything feels like its taken care of, and you don't have to stress, or worry about problems which then seem rather irrelevant because you have made your decision. And of course when the date rolls by you don't have to feel obliged to stick to it. You can extend it, and just handle one finite piece of time at a time.

    Why won't she try to stop you? What was her reaction when you told her?
    And, I'm curious, why did you tell her? Not that I don't think you shouldn't have or anything, but I was just wondering.
     
  11. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    Hiya,

    I had awful experiences over three years and I have been so hurt continuously from a person..... I had a fundamental thing today and I thought about writing down how schedule until my last day as well.

    I agree with your title "happy planning", as since I decided to end my life before the September, I feel calm..

    Please don't harm yourself though..
     
  12. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Told my counselor to see if she had any option that was reasonable other than suicide. She didn't - and I think she knows it. I already have come to terms with things - as my last days approach I'm sorta kicking back and just trying to enjoy my final days - going pretty good actually - I'm not nearly as sad. I'm sure as hell not going to live through a financial nightmare with no emotional support and death looming that I don't control - at least I'm gonna have some control when it comes to my fate. Took out a loan to really cement my financial failure - there is no way I can pay it back - I'm gonna spend it all just to spit in the face of the financial institution that put me here; my method is pretty absolute - no mistakes this time around.
     
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