happy :(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by victor, Dec 8, 2010.

  1. victor

    victor Account Closed

    u know, when i joined this forum i was at my worst. been crying most of the time, getting crazy panic attacks and was strugling not to do smth stupid.. all i wanted was 4 the pain to stop, to go away..
    here i am now, i survived this hell, im stil here.. and the panic attacks r gone, and the pain is kinda going away, it evoled to smth else, quite rapidly after i figured out she lied to me bout many things.. its not that i dont care about her anymore, or i dont dream bout her at nights - i do, but now its different. even if she'd come back to me tomorrow, now it would be MY decision, wether i stil want this or not.
    coz i thought she was an angel.. and angels dont lie:(
    u know, even the fact that she slept with that other guy didnt hurt me not even half as much as her lies.. k, she cheated and thats horrible, but she was honest bout it, and that means a lot.. i can 4give that
    but she wasnt honest bout many other things and i know that now. and that what hurts the most.
    so it all has changed 4 me now. i accepted the fact that i lost her and im coping with that really well since i know she wasnt really as perfect and pure as i thought she was.. i wish her the very best luck and happines but im not gonna let her hurt me no more.
    anyways, this thread is not about her. its about me. it might look that i should be o.k now, coz my problem is kinda sorted.. but im so not:( she was my everything, u know. everything i do, was 4 her. everything i think of was her. her, us, our future. every cell of my body was so into this girl.. thats why i was in such a crisis when i realised im losing her and didnt really know why
    but now, even tho the pain is kinda gone and the panic attacs r gone, and i dont feel urges to kill myself, im not o.k at all
    coz now all this is being replaced by void, emptyness and sadness.. she was inside me, she was the air i breath and the ground i stand on.. and now theres no more her in my life and its suddenly so empty. big big hudge empty place, a desert..
    now after all this time i started thinking of myself - and i want to be happy, u know. i want to have a reason, a purpose to live. want to build smth, want to live and enjoy. but its all so empty.. :( i want to be happy, but i dunno if its possible to be happy when ure all alone:( im greatful i found this forum, it means a lot to me.. but can i build my life on it? can i spend next 40 or whatever years just talking to my virtual friends on sf, is it really a life? its not:( i want to have family.. thats the most important thing in life, but i dont think its possible. i dont think i will ever be able to trust someone after what happened to me.. i couldnt go thru this pain again, no way:( dunno what to do n how to live really..
     
  2. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Heya mate. I've seen you around the forums but we've never really spoken. I can relate to what you're going through, and although it doesn't seem it and you've heard it before, things really do get better with time. Sure it takes a lot of time, but it does get there. You said you didn't think you could trust again, but that's just because at the moment, she's the best thing, in your mind. You'll meet better, and you'll be able to trust them. It might take a little time to let them in, but you'll want to, and you will, when the time comes. As for now, try and get out and about, do some things. I don't mean go out to bars every night, I mean do things you wouldn't have done before. Maybe go to the gym if you don't already, or join some form of club if that's at all possible. Get into a game maybe, anything that you couldn't have done before. It'll take your mind off of her, and most of all, it'll give you something you didn't have before, and make you appreciate being single, if that makes any sense. Then when you're on track, you might still feel this void, but you'll be stronger and you'll be able to deal with it better. Then you'll meet somebody even more special to you, and the void will disappear.

    I know you might not be able to see this now, but try and hold on to the idea that it's a possibility. My PM box is always open if you want or need it.
     
  3. victor

    victor Account Closed

    thanks 4 ur reply..:)
    but u know, the thing is, ive been in relationships before, i ve been in love before, ive been heartbroken before. and i got over it.. before
    as soon as i realised that my ex just wanted my money n was a liar, not even a month has passed and i was shagging randon girls lol i didnt care, even tho i loved her, as soon as i realised she was cheating and lied to me, it wasnt hard to get over it. i was just angry with myself how could i be that stupid and let her play with me. i have my experiences and been thru these phases, so i know what ure talking about
    but the thing is, this time its completely different. it never felt that real and magical before with anyone else. i did believe she was the ONE, and i did say things like '4ever'. dunno what shes done to me, but she made me feel and act like some teenager crazy in love lol im 25 for fucks sake and ive seen shit in my life. and just look at my posts - i cant believe im talking all these crazy things. this girl has affected me like no one ever has, not even close.. thats why im saying that i cant really imagine maself with anyone else ever again:(
     
  4. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Yeah I understand what you're saying. It sounds like if she's THAT woman, she wanted to do everything she could to make you feel that way. You're still young though, and you might have been used, but that doesn't mean you need to be alone now. This is all a presumption on what I've just read, so please do correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like you felt this way about someone that wasn't real though. Like she made up this personality to make you fall this hard. So when you fall for the real thing, you'll fall harder, and you'll feel even closer to them than ever before, even this. We can't change our past, but we don't have to let it ruin our future. It'll take a bit longer to get over this one, but you've done it before with relationships you didn't feel as strongly in, and you'll do it again now. Your mentality in all of this will play a huge part. If you don't believe that it's even possible, it'll take you a lot longer to get through all of this. I know you can do it, try and trust in yourself that you'll be able to, too. Once you've got that step covered, the rest will follow with ease.
     
  5. victor

    victor Account Closed

    i hope ure right, man.. dont really think u r, but what can i do - just hope.. thanks..
     
  6. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    time is the greatest healer. I remember a time when I was like you, didn't think it'd go anywhere or get any better, but I'm living proof that it can get better. Good luck, and my pm box is always open.