u know, when i joined this forum i was at my worst. been crying most of the time, getting crazy panic attacks and was strugling not to do smth stupid.. all i wanted was 4 the pain to stop, to go away.. here i am now, i survived this hell, im stil here.. and the panic attacks r gone, and the pain is kinda going away, it evoled to smth else, quite rapidly after i figured out she lied to me bout many things.. its not that i dont care about her anymore, or i dont dream bout her at nights - i do, but now its different. even if she'd come back to me tomorrow, now it would be MY decision, wether i stil want this or not. coz i thought she was an angel.. and angels dont lie u know, even the fact that she slept with that other guy didnt hurt me not even half as much as her lies.. k, she cheated and thats horrible, but she was honest bout it, and that means a lot.. i can 4give that but she wasnt honest bout many other things and i know that now. and that what hurts the most. so it all has changed 4 me now. i accepted the fact that i lost her and im coping with that really well since i know she wasnt really as perfect and pure as i thought she was.. i wish her the very best luck and happines but im not gonna let her hurt me no more. anyways, this thread is not about her. its about me. it might look that i should be o.k now, coz my problem is kinda sorted.. but im so not she was my everything, u know. everything i do, was 4 her. everything i think of was her. her, us, our future. every cell of my body was so into this girl.. thats why i was in such a crisis when i realised im losing her and didnt really know why but now, even tho the pain is kinda gone and the panic attacs r gone, and i dont feel urges to kill myself, im not o.k at all coz now all this is being replaced by void, emptyness and sadness.. she was inside me, she was the air i breath and the ground i stand on.. and now theres no more her in my life and its suddenly so empty. big big hudge empty place, a desert.. now after all this time i started thinking of myself - and i want to be happy, u know. i want to have a reason, a purpose to live. want to build smth, want to live and enjoy. but its all so empty.. i want to be happy, but i dunno if its possible to be happy when ure all alone im greatful i found this forum, it means a lot to me.. but can i build my life on it? can i spend next 40 or whatever years just talking to my virtual friends on sf, is it really a life? its not i want to have family.. thats the most important thing in life, but i dont think its possible. i dont think i will ever be able to trust someone after what happened to me.. i couldnt go thru this pain again, no way dunno what to do n how to live really..