Hard time for me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theothermask, Jun 5, 2008.

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  1. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    I don't know how do I feel now... not sure if suicidal, maybe just desperate, but I guess this is th only place where people at least seem to care. What has happened, then?

    Yesterday bank sent me the graph of my study debt repayment (sorry about mistakes). As always, letters are opened by my personal mail supervisor. My mother, that is. Later on she realized that this thing came because I had to start the repayment of debt, which means I've been kicked from university.

    What could I say? I haven't been in university since February, because of several problems and addiction to video games. Don't judge me as dumb or shallow, I was trying to run away from misery that is called "my life". It succeeded, so I couldn't stop, and with everyday I was more afraid of facing the reality. So I waited, didn't know for what. I had a little hope everything would settle by itself.

    She was angry because I haven't told anything to her. When I tried to say she doesn't allow me to speak or never listens, she ironically didn't allow me to speak and didn't listened. Every humble stuttering from me was confuted with her flow of sentences.

    By saying nothing, I managed to make her think I have recently abandoned studies by myself. OK, so everything looked good. I thought the past was left behind, and I could finally live my own life. I had the bank contract, but I figured it wouldn't be hard to repay it. Approx $30 per month with average job of my liking... what else could I wish? Simple life, no thinking and going nuts.

    But no. If it's good, it's not for me. My heedful mother had to make a call to university department. She found out that I have been doing nothing these three months. It wasn't enough about yesterday's brainwash, she had to make me feel guilty for every problem there was in our family. Now the hope of new life is temporarily lost (have no idea for how long), and as if that wasn't bad enough, she "asked around" about the possible job I was going to do (I told her yesterday). Of course, this job suddenly became the place for evil masterminds to trick money out of mortal people. I could ignore her, but I can't. An mental deviation of me, I think.

    So now I am back to my misery, I don't want that job (not because I believe her, but because she has made clear her opinion about it). I have financial ties that I am not able to repay now. I can't do suicide because in that case my brother would have to pay that money (and he was one of those rare persons who understood me). I can't go to psychologist/psychiatric because it cost money I don't have. I have no one I would be able to trust and tell everything. I can't find anyone to trust and talk all this over, face to face. I don't have love and now I can't start doing something to fix that, first because I don't believe in my future, second because it costs money which I don't have.

    Does anyone sees how stuck I am? There are no options for me. I don't know what to do. If you managed to read all of my post, and have a idea what to do, you are more than welcome to share it. I really need your help. If this gets anymore severe, I think first thing I could forget about, is my brother.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Have you tryed to look for social help?
    Once... long time ago, i was addicted to video games too
    spent 15 hours every day playing, i do still actually...
    Anyways, i found out that there is such thing as social help and support
    and after contating social worker i found out that not only
    that it is free, but you can get to meet a shrink for free
    and social support (money). so i recommend you to try it.

    Video Games are great option if one want to escape reallity
  3. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    If she's a good mother, you can tell her exactly what has happened and she should understand.

    If not, try finding help, some are free or have ways for people without much money.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you thought about a debt consalidation company? they can get your payments lower and consolidate them so you pay them and they pay the debts. In certain cases they can get the debt cancelled.
    I only see one other option and that is bankruptcy. I don't rcommend that except as a final resort. Go talk to the people at the debt place. I hope this has given you something to think about... Good luck:chopper:
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Being the father of a very irresponsible young man, I can sort of relate to your Mom. Don't shut me down, now. Everybody loves Andy, and he's fun-loving and generous - read take all his friends out for pizza and blow the last of his monthly paycheck. So, it used to be Dad bailed him out. Now, I've passed that job off on his girlfriend.

    You don't say how old you are. Whatever your age, it's wrong for anyone but you to open your mail. I think there are laws about that - even for mothers. And it sounds as if you're old enough to find a job on your on without Mom's permission.

    It's probably hard for her to make the transition from being Mama to seeing son grow up and make his own decisions. It's pretty much normal for bumps in that part of the road.

    But, yeah, there are cheap/free resources for your budget issues. It might be smart to tell your mother you're getting help. Notice: tell her, not ask her. And tell her after you've done the deed. Impress her with your newfound responsible side.

    Your finances are far from being a reason for suicide. Again, there are mental health resources that won't add to your financial woes. Talk with a pro. He can help you with the suicide deal and maybe the issues with budget and video addictions.

    I hope the best for you.

  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    About therapy...there are many clinics and psych departments associated with Universities which provide very low cost treatment...contact the clinical psych department of the university nearest to you and see what services are available...also, please continue to post here and let us know how you are...PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J
  7. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    Thank you all for the tips and support. It really helped me to calm down and take a fresh look at things.

    Summer.Rain, I haven't asked for any help outside. Maybe because I feel ashamed.. and yes, games are really great for that particular goal. But I'll try to find something out about this. I am not sure if social workers here are as developed as in your country, but it's worth a try.

    Gunner12, it's very complicated to explain every aspect of our relationships. I don't say she's bad mother generally, afterall she growned 3 sons and they all have normal lives, families etc. And I think even my younger brother (he's 13) will grow up without any problems. So all this might as well be my own fault. Genes, lack of father... who knows.

    Stranger1, I haven't heard about anything like that here, in my country.

    middleofnowhere, I just became 22 years old. Of course, she shouldn't open my mail, but what can I do? I've told her, but she says, that as long as she supports me (financially), she will open letter that comes from banks, institutions, etc. (She doesn't open private letters. Although I am not sure, haven't received any). And I'm not going to sue my own mother for that. BTW, She support me not because something's wrong with me, but because I started studies and decided to dedicate myself fully to them.

    Sadeyes, thanks for advice. I'll see what can I find. And thank you for support. :)

    Again, thank you all! I appreciate your efforts!
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