I don't know how do I feel now... not sure if suicidal, maybe just desperate, but I guess this is th only place where people at least seem to care. What has happened, then? Yesterday bank sent me the graph of my study debt repayment (sorry about mistakes). As always, letters are opened by my personal mail supervisor. My mother, that is. Later on she realized that this thing came because I had to start the repayment of debt, which means I've been kicked from university. What could I say? I haven't been in university since February, because of several problems and addiction to video games. Don't judge me as dumb or shallow, I was trying to run away from misery that is called "my life". It succeeded, so I couldn't stop, and with everyday I was more afraid of facing the reality. So I waited, didn't know for what. I had a little hope everything would settle by itself. She was angry because I haven't told anything to her. When I tried to say she doesn't allow me to speak or never listens, she ironically didn't allow me to speak and didn't listened. Every humble stuttering from me was confuted with her flow of sentences. By saying nothing, I managed to make her think I have recently abandoned studies by myself. OK, so everything looked good. I thought the past was left behind, and I could finally live my own life. I had the bank contract, but I figured it wouldn't be hard to repay it. Approx $30 per month with average job of my liking... what else could I wish? Simple life, no thinking and going nuts. But no. If it's good, it's not for me. My heedful mother had to make a call to university department. She found out that I have been doing nothing these three months. It wasn't enough about yesterday's brainwash, she had to make me feel guilty for every problem there was in our family. Now the hope of new life is temporarily lost (have no idea for how long), and as if that wasn't bad enough, she "asked around" about the possible job I was going to do (I told her yesterday). Of course, this job suddenly became the place for evil masterminds to trick money out of mortal people. I could ignore her, but I can't. An mental deviation of me, I think. So now I am back to my misery, I don't want that job (not because I believe her, but because she has made clear her opinion about it). I have financial ties that I am not able to repay now. I can't do suicide because in that case my brother would have to pay that money (and he was one of those rare persons who understood me). I can't go to psychologist/psychiatric because it cost money I don't have. I have no one I would be able to trust and tell everything. I can't find anyone to trust and talk all this over, face to face. I don't have love and now I can't start doing something to fix that, first because I don't believe in my future, second because it costs money which I don't have. Does anyone sees how stuck I am? There are no options for me. I don't know what to do. If you managed to read all of my post, and have a idea what to do, you are more than welcome to share it. I really need your help. If this gets anymore severe, I think first thing I could forget about, is my brother.