Hard Times

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by katmandu1, Oct 8, 2008.

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  1. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    I hesitate to post in here as it's been probably a year since I posted last. So many new people since then. It's also hard to know what to write...there's so much inside me it's difficult to organize it into a post. But, here it goes...

    I've been in therapy for nearly 20 years (16 with the same Doc.) and I can't help but feel I should be much further along than I am. I'm 58 soon to be 59; my life is more than half over and I've accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. I've given up on the idea of ever working again...haven't worked since 1991. I have nothing in my life that defines me. I have no ambitions, no dreams, no quality of life...nothing gives me any satisfaction, except maybe food...one of my few pleasures. I'm terrified of everything...people, new situations, social functions and most especially fear of failure (so afraid of failure that I don't try anything). If I could, I'd never leave the confines of my home...my own little prison. I've suffered from depression and PTSD most of my life. My Doc. insists that she can help me, but I have grave doubts about this. I have 1 maybe 2 friends, but I don't keep in touch with them...I prefer to isolate I guess. Interacting with people is very difficult for me...I just don't trust them! If it were not for my mother and my pets, I would take the simple solution of suicide...although, I haven't had much success in even taking my own life. I've damaged myself in the attempts so I have constant reminders of my failures. As my father said, "you can't even kill yourself properly." Unless I get over my deep fears...this is it; my life; plodding through each day with little change. Each day runs into the next; each year into the next. This is not a life. I want to feel I belong in this world, that my life has some meaning. I want to feel passionate about something...feel satisfaction in living. I want some way to define myself...other than failure! There are so many obsticles in my path. I feel so very alone in this world and so very sad. I have no future.
  2. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    I am 44 and share many of the same feelings. I have suffered from depression almost all my life, and I can't find any boards for people with lifelong depression. No medication or therapist has helped me. I have an empty, empty, loveless life, and despite my best efforts, I have been powerless to change it. I can barely get up out of bed each day. Food is one of the few things that relieves my pain, but overeating has caused much of the pain of my life through obesity. And I can't say it gives me joy. It's just a palliative.
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    :hug: It's great to see you. I'm just sorry that things haven't gotten any better for you.
    You know you are welcome here regardless how long it has been since you were last here, there are still some of us oldies around.

    :hug: Hazel xx
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Can relate so much :sad:
    Is it age making it worse? God knows I feel invisible half the time.
    Seem to have no ambitions or drive to do anything :sad:
    At least we can have some contact here, otherwise I don't think I'd exchange 3 words with anyone in a week.
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    :sad: I dont know what to say.

    All those years.

    If I had the solution you would be the first person I offered it too.

    You say your doc thinks she can help you, she's had 16 years to do so. You may have placed a lot of trust and faith in her, after that length of time I imagine you must have a strong relationship with her, but seriously you have to consider finding a new therapist. I certainly wouldnt recommend jumping ship altogether, but I would recommend you see someone else a few times. You never know, they might have an answer, or a method of guidance thats perfect for you. Something definately needs to change.

    Something ive been doing a great deal lately is just walking. I live a couple kilometres from the beach, so every couple of days I go walking down there, a fast walk, quite a few hills too so it gets my heart rate up a little bit, makes me feel alive even though I dont talk to anyone. I just watch, observe the world and taste the air. Watching other people makes me feel part of life, even if its an extremely insignifact part, and at times it makes me feel inferior, its still better than spending all your time between 4 walls, which is what I generally do when im not walking.

    Your post has really hit me, ill be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way, I hope you pick up on them :smile:
  6. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi Hazel...thanks for the welcome! :hug:
  7. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you all for your responses and your caring.

    I can't change therapists now. It took me years to be able to trust her as much as I do. The thought of starting all over again with someone else...well, just couldn't do it.

    The nights are the worst. I'm left with my thoughts at night and can't escape them. I'm feeling very sad and hopeless right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I dread the thought of going into another deep depression!! I dread facing tomorrow!!
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Katmandu1,
    We don't know each other but I agree with Hazel you are always welcome here. I too am an Isolationist!! I have been in my bedroom for 15 years. It is my safe place. I don't even go out in the living room and talk with my sister. If she wants to talk she has to come in my room and sit down and talk to me.
    The last three years my therapist has me getting out of the house a little. My daughter and grandaughter have moved in with us and it has put alot of stress on me because her license is suspended for two years so I have to drive them where ever they need to go. I just recently told her no that I am not running her to her friends houses and pick her back up. She doesn't know the toll of what this is doing to me.
    Just the stress of all this has me ready to start cutting again. I just want to be left to myself in my room. I guess my sister is starting to pick up on this because she is running them a little more than she was. My grandaughter is playing soccer and I have to drop her off and go home. I can't be around all those people. My sister gets out of work and goes to the game,she takes care of picking them up. Well Take Care and Stay Safe!!~Joseph~
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know how it feels to discount our attributes when our failings seem so oppressive...I do that often...but I have to remind you that true friends are always there regardless of the amt of contact, and those ppl who really know you, accept you, warts and all...please know that I am one who sees so much more in you (the good and bad news, I know) and honor and respect all the time and work you have done...big hugs and much respect, J
  10. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Your post struck me as I am in a similar position and think many of the same things. I feel that the best years of my life have passed (and they were crap) and now all I have to look forward to is old age and death.
  11. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    First...thanks for all the posts...thanks j. :hug:

    I know what you mean Artifice. Even when I'm not really depressed my thoughts are the same as yours. I was trying to think of something encouraging to say to you, but I'm afraid I can't come up with anything. I guess all we can do is hang on and keep working for something better. Who knows? Maybe our later years will be our best!
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