Hard to explain this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlexDanish, Sep 1, 2008.

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  1. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    ...Without going into too much detail.

    Here I am. Sitting on my doorstop. Just thinking about things. Going into Grade 11, only one day away from going back. And then I think of my past year. And everything I've been through (My threads are somewhat of a testament to that) and it seems like Grade 11 is just round two with my depression. I mean, I barely physically survived round one in Grade 10 (Thanks to the ambulance). And emotionally, that year was trying.

    So I just think. Really, is this all worth it? Am I going to burst through in glorious day in the future? Or will this feeling slooooooooooowly pass as I advance to a feeling of mediocrity?

    All my worries and anxieties are virtually still the same as they were last year. Sure, maybe I don't have shit grades, but my parents still decided to fit me neatly into some very difficult courses - Stifling my art and music interests. University Math, English, Chemistry, and Physics, and some Accounting on the side and some Bible (Christian school). Fantastic, right? I'm fitting right into the suit my parents want me to wear. This defines my future. A future, I should define for myself. But noooo.

    Things with friends are fine, I suppose. Same old, same old. I can't really go deeper there without sounding like a bitch. But alot has gone on between me and my closest 4 friends.

    It's kind of like an ongoing struggle. You know when you're on the verge of sleeping? And your eyes are heavy and you close them... Open them, attempting to stay awake... But you know on the other side, sleep, is so sweet. So why not?

    Yep, I'm weak. Yep, I'm selfish. Yep, I'm a number of terrible things. But it's my life not your life, so I'll end it when I want.

    (An important question is, why am I posting this? I don't really know. I never know when I post. So I thought about it. Advice? Insight? I guess just the thought that someone, anyone out there would read my plight, or even relate to it, is... A good feeling.)
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Don't you have any say in the classes you take? Hopefully, things will go differently this year. Don't let them be the same. Be proactive and don't wait for things to happen. Cut them off before they can. Maybe if you feel in control of the situation it will turn out differently. :hug:
  3. From the time I was your age, up to this very day, when I am approaching 40, my family does not appreciate the creative things I do. And at this point, that's okay. Because I can live a creative life and do creative things, even if they don't understand or appreciate it.

    Living a creative life, in addition to school or work or family or friends, is a hard thing to keep up. Especially if these other factors always seem to work against you.

    I suggest you practice. Carry a notebook. Write your songs. Draw/sketch when you can through the day. Write down ideas. Practice is the frustrating part of a creative life. But when you are overwhelmed, do this. When you are happy, do this. When you are depressed, do this. Instead of following the depression down the rabbit hole again (I have been there), create something from your intense emotions. Even one sentence is good practice.

    Then, when you have more time later, you have a wealth of experience, pain, joy, ideas to draw from. Later you will probably be tired, because you are so over-extended. Having your notes, etc, to look back at can be just what you need to create. To be inspired. So you take that extra block of time and you jump in with both feet. And you create something. It will be worth the waiting.

    In this way, everything you do, whether small notes jotted down, or big projects over the holiday weekend, is adding to your creative life.

    Sometimes what you create will lead to success, or at least an audience. Sometimes it will not. But as long as you are continuing the creative process, in little and big ways, whichever you can at the moment, you are being true to yourself.

    I guess I am saying you can't always control how much time you have to be creative, but you can control how you use the time you do have.

    I encourage you to keep living a creative life, well after you get out of your school, college, etc. Even for someone who calls themselves "getting old and tired", it is very rewarding. Frustrating at times, but always rewarding in some way.

    Sorry for rambling so long. You sound very well-rounded and express yourself well in writing. So hang in there!

    School doesn't last forever. And every experience you have, even there, will add to some creative project somewhere down the line.
  4. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Um... Somewhat. I was slotted for music (I knew they wouldn't let me take Art again) but my parents suggested that accounting may benefit me more. Normally when they suggest something they really mean "Just do what we say."

    I have a notebook... Sometimes I draw in it. But normally I find I draw the most and the best when I'm most depressed, and seeing as how I find myself more drawn to the paper, it's worrying. Thanks for all the advice though, it's really good. And yeah, I have learned to carry a pencil and paper with me for when something good hits me.

    I guess I just have to survive this year. We'll see how it all goes, starting tomorrow.
  5. I read you go to a Christian school. So, if I may, after so many years of struggling with depression and art, and depression and God, and depression, at around age 33 I wrote this (it's a song, so just imagine me singing it, and imagine I have a great singing voice while you're at it!):

    Now I know I ought to see the world as daylight
    All the purity and love I have been shown
    It infuses even in the darkest hour
    But despair somehow is all I've ever known
    But I will promise to keep trying
    If You will promise to keep guiding my way
    Through the darkness and the blinding light of day.

    I have seen an angel dumbfounded and broken
    With the shakiest of faiths blown in the wind
    But when the weakness of the obvious is spoken
    Comes the power of Your love and forgiveness
    So I will promise to keep trying
    If You will promise to keep guiding my way
    Through the darkness and the blinding light of day.

    Here I go--all the good things do not matter
    We all know--all the bad things are reality
    And so--I don't get to see all the good things You been trying to show me

    So I borrowed a mantra from a fellow poet*
    Had to go outside to see the truth within
    Not just trying now to live in every moment
    But to know that every moment is a gem
    And I will promise to keep trying
    If You will promise to keep guiding my way
    Through the darkness and the blinding light of day.

    *Thic Nat Hahn: Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out. Living in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment.

    It's hard sometimes to go outside of your faith for emotional help, but I found this saying helpful in working through some of my worst anxiety-ridden years. I used to say, when I could say the last line (I know this is a wonderful moment) without sarcasm, I was really getting better.

    I know the first week of school was always nerve-wrecking, so hang in there! Best of luck to you and peace.
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