I don't really know what to say, though I know I want to say something. I can't think clearly. I have a vague sense of anxiety. I can't stop picking at my face and it's bleeding now in some parts. I know my parents were yelling all day so perhaps that is why I'm upset. I know that I am also upset going to the 'rich people' grocery store and seeing a lot of people from my school there. Some paired as couples. I wish I had a boyfriend and friends. but this is what I wanted for years and still no luck. perhaps i'm anxious about starting a new volunteer job at the animal shelter or perhaps just because I'm going back to school tomorrow. Maybe it's because of my government tests or that I might see people that scare me and are mean to me. Maybe because we are moving soon because we are loosing our house due to financial troubles. Or even because my parents have been particularly protective of my hurtful autistic brother. Or because my only friend wasn't on Skype and our relationship was going downhill. Or maybe because I still haven't learned how to drive yet. Or despite my teachers' and my own wishes, I might not go to college. I most definitely won't go next year. Or maybe it's just because I'm sick. Or because I've been questioning my atheism, my lack of self, the coldness and cruelty of the crimes committed around me. But I can't identify my anxiety with any one thing. I am not in any immediate danger. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in the past few days. I haven't SH-ed in the past few months. I am safe from my brother now that my mom is home. I have some sort of therapy. I no longer have to take 7 classes in high school and 2 in college. For Gosh Sake, I only take three classes! I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Why I can't be worth anything and why do I always have to feel so anxious and terribly numb. My last true feeling was maybe when I was 14/ 15. I try so hard to stop picking at my skin when I get anxious because it looks awful, but I can't quit. I want a safe, beautiful and meaningful place in this world, especially reserved for me. But that won't happen. I just keep trying hard and I don't get very far. I know I ranted, but at least i got some words out.