hard to find words

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lotte, Feb 10, 2013.

  1. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to say, though I know I want to say something. I can't think clearly. I have a vague sense of anxiety. I can't stop picking at my face and it's bleeding now in some parts. I know my parents were yelling all day so perhaps that is why I'm upset. I know that I am also upset going to the 'rich people' grocery store and seeing a lot of people from my school there. Some paired as couples. I wish I had a boyfriend and friends. but this is what I wanted for years and still no luck. perhaps i'm anxious about starting a new volunteer job at the animal shelter or perhaps just because I'm going back to school tomorrow. Maybe it's because of my government tests or that I might see people that scare me and are mean to me. Maybe because we are moving soon because we are loosing our house due to financial troubles. Or even because my parents have been particularly protective of my hurtful autistic brother. Or because my only friend wasn't on Skype and our relationship was going downhill. Or maybe because I still haven't learned how to drive yet. Or despite my teachers' and my own wishes, I might not go to college. I most definitely won't go next year. Or maybe it's just because I'm sick. Or because I've been questioning my atheism, my lack of self, the coldness and cruelty of the crimes committed around me. But I can't identify my anxiety with any one thing.

    I am not in any immediate danger. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in the past few days. I haven't SH-ed in the past few months. I am safe from my brother now that my mom is home. I have some sort of therapy. I no longer have to take 7 classes in high school and 2 in college. For Gosh Sake, I only take three classes! I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Why I can't be worth anything and why do I always have to feel so anxious and terribly numb. My last true feeling was maybe when I was 14/ 15. I try so hard to stop picking at my skin when I get anxious because it looks awful, but I can't quit. I want a safe, beautiful and meaningful place in this world, especially reserved for me. But that won't happen. I just keep trying hard and I don't get very far. I know I ranted, but at least i got some words out.
  2. junebug

    junebug New Member

    You know what really helped me? I took an entire day to just write out my feelings. I got a journal and wrote out everything
    I wrote about things that happened to me years ago that still upset me, I wrote about events in the present, I wrote about how these things made me feel. I wrote about what I wanted in life and where I thought my life was heading. I made goals for myself.
    What this did was set me on track. It cleared out all the confusion. And once you start, don't stop. Everyday keep writing about how you feel. It really puts things into focus. Try it. It helps you get an understand of yourself and your emotions. It helps you realize why you might be feeling a certain way.
  3. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Thank you junebug, that is a very good idea. I'll try it. Thank you so much for replying to my post and welcome to the forum.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you let your words out here hun keep letting them out ok it helps
  5. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    I thought I'd watch a movie to cheer myself up. I think it's supposed to be uplifting. But it was just triggering. The mental hospital that character goes to isn't ugly and as scary as mine was. there were no cock roaches or mean staff. It made me jealous and I think him and this other girl were going to get together and of course that's really triggering. I tried to watch it but I stopped a half hour through. I feel awful now :cry: I don't know why. It really shouldn't be triggering. It's called "it's kind of a funny story". And now everything I see just seems triggering. And I cant get these bad thoughts out of my head. That was just me letting my words out again.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: Lotte. I'm sorry the movie triggered you. But at the same time it can be good to know what your triggers are-so that you can avoid them in the future. :hug: for you. Hope you're feeling a 'lil better today x
  7. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much coca cola and total eclipse for replying! :hug: