Hard to keep going sometimes

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by theresalwaystomorrow, Nov 1, 2007.

  1. Hi all. I'm new to this forum.

    Nutshell: recurrent depressive disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, schizophrenia

    Attempts: 5

    I'm losing my will to live. I've been waiting a year for treatment as a 'priority case', and I have at least another to go before there's any movement. Counselling doesn't work. My experience with the Samaritans has been less than helpful. Psychiatrists ask the same questions over and over again. My family is afraid of me. My friends avoid me. It's probably fear of the unknown. I can't stand to be alone, but there isn't anyone who can stay with me. The nights are the worst because my meds give me insomnia, and it's dark and very lonely. I keep pushing people away, and being horrible. But all the time I know that what i'm doing is wrong. I'm so aware that my behaviour is unacceptable, but I do it anyway. It makes everything worse.

    Basically I'm running out of steam. I can't work, and i'm in my final year of uni, which is difficult. I can do it. But I don't know if I will.

    Things can be fixed. That's why they invented therapy. Things can get better. But i'm becoming more and more detached from my own brain. It feels like 'I' am being destroyed, and this thing left is not me.

    I want it all to go away. But it won't. Not on its own. It will with help. But i don't know if the help will get here in time. A year is a long time. But i've seen what damage suicide can do to a family. I don't want to cause that pain again. I don't want other people to feel what I felt when someone I knew committed suicide.

    But I can't always remember that. Sometimes I don't recognise anything outside of myself. I'm afraid that it might happen again, and i'll kill myself. It's gotten closer and closer each time. I don't want to die. But sometimes I do. It's very confusing.