I haven't been on here in a while and I feel selfish for only coming on here to talk about my problems instead of being supportive to others. My birthday is coming up in a few days....33. I am not really looking forward to it. The last five years of my life have been painfully stagnant. 2014 ended up breaking away from some of the stagnation I had been feeling since 2009 as I ended up staying nine months sober by the end of the year. Not only that, but it was the first time in years that I worked a steady job albeit through a temp service. I stay at a recovery house to help build a foundation and I am in this thing called support circles at this church I go to. it's where a small circle of people help me build on that foundation in my life. I am grateful for making some progress in my life....but I still feel unsure about many things. The truth is that I am still very lonely and I still have no idea of what happiness. I cannot GET OVER THE PAST PARTICULARLY a painful rejection I experienced from a girl back in 2009. I know that's pathetic, but yeah. What I'm afraid of is that I my life is only going to get as good as "okay" and nothing more. I'm sorry for sounding so ungrateful, but after years of wanting to not live anymore, I just feel like I'm in some kind of conflict with hope and despair in my life. I'm sorry for rambling, but I'm going to stop here because I'm kind of tired. Sorry again.