hard to resist

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by abyss, Sep 24, 2008.

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  1. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i have no idea what the hell happened today. i was doing just fine. driving around doing errends with my husband, chatting about whatever. we got onto the subject of ex's somehow. laughing about the horrible choice in mates we'd had in the past. somehow we came on his first girlfriend. he tells me she called him up when he was like 13 and says 'hey i just had sex this summer, its really fun. you should come over and have sex with me.' so he does.

    i have no idea why but while he was telling me this my whole body was overcome with this wave of heat. i started crying. i started shaking. i felt panicky. i wanted to run. i felt like my insides were crawling and trying to explode. and all of a sudden the impulse to cut was soooo bad i had to hold my hands tightly together to keep any kind of control at all.

    now i feel like i'm only half here. it feels like half my mind checked out. i still can function, like the part of me that keeps the daily schedule of life is still in, but my mind, my soul, has left and i dont know where. i cant really keep a thought in my head. i cant focus on anything. and the thought of physical contact, even as simple as holding hands or a pat on the shoulder makes my skin crawl.

    i haven't cut in almost a year (will be a year on oct 8th) and now its all i can think about. its so strong that i dont even need my cutting blade, at this point i feel that i could use anything, even my own fingernails.

    my head feels like its stuffed with cottonballs. everything is muted. everything seems far away and insubstantial. i still feel a tide of panic under the surface, like its just biding its time. like as soon as i release my control, get tired or relaxed it will break out and i'll just go running into the night.

    i dont know how or why this happened. i dont know what caused it or how to make it go away. does anyone have any ideas???
  2. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    Maybe you are remembering the expression, "First love, best love". But don't cause it is a crock. Hey, at least I started out romantic. HeHe


    Winners never quit and quitters never win.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok sounds like you've disassociated and the burning need to cut is probably a reaction to it, cutting can snap a person back into reality.
    If you disassociated at this seemingly innocent reminiscence, do you think you might have some suppressed memory there that this remark somehow triggered?
  4. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    prolly, but how do you fix what you dont know is broken... how can i fix it if i cant remember it?
  5. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    nvm. i cut. i failed. fuck it, once a failure always a failure.
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