This week has been extra painful, and I know I'm posting a lot, so I apologize. I just don't know where else to go.
This week I've been dealt some very difficult truths about myself and my current situation. All given to me out of concern, and it wasn't tough love as such, but it was observations about me or things in my life that are things I'm not handling very well.
The first thing that happened is a super long story, and I've posted some of it around the boards... Probably not worth going too into again. But what happened was someone I care very much about has really moved on. And because I'm a super stalker, I have seen some things. When I told my friend about these things, they told me that person is pursuing another woman and that's just where his heart is. And that's probably true, but I've been really struggling with losing him, and the farther he drifts away the more it hurts. Last night I saw him on WhatsApp and then I went on that woman's public social media account and she was sort of vaguely talking about him. He's been trying to reconcile with her and she's said no.
And I've been here waiting for him. It's very hard to see. But I refuse to close my fake accounts because it's all I have to keep up with him. And to be totally honest, seeing him on WhatsApp means a) he hasn't blocked me; and b) for those brief moments I saw him on there I felt connected for some reason.
I miss him so much. But he was a scoundrel too. He lied about his marriage and this woman he's still trying to keep going with.
So, I'm married too. I really messed up and complicated my life. But I love this other person too. Anyway, last week I hit rock bottom and had a breakdown of sorts. It was combination of a lot of things, but mostly it stems from losing this other man. This morning my husband says to me, "I learned one thing about you during your breakdown. You really hate yourself."
And so, there's that.
Even though I know that's the situation, it still really hurts to hear. And the combo of losing this guy and feeling extra worthless has really taken a toll.
I was always told that as you get older you stop giving f*cks and you become more comfortable with yourself. I turn 50 soon, and it's like I"m still a stupid 20 year old, struggling for acceptance, relevancy and a feeling of worth.
And it's all incredibly painful. I don't want to hate myself. I really don't. But I don't know if I can fix that.
What's so ironic is this other woman my ex cares for said on her social media (paraphrasing), "I know I wield my looks, but men don't really accept how smart I am because they're so attracted to me."
And I find that so gross and conceited. Yet, she has crazy self esteem. How do you get to that? And is that an OK way to live? Like you think you're so hot and smart that men just fall at your feet. And to be fair, she got the man I love. So, I must be as shitty as I think I am.
This is my brain. If you got this far, thank you. I'm sorry. It's embarrassing.
This week I've been dealt some very difficult truths about myself and my current situation. All given to me out of concern, and it wasn't tough love as such, but it was observations about me or things in my life that are things I'm not handling very well.
The first thing that happened is a super long story, and I've posted some of it around the boards... Probably not worth going too into again. But what happened was someone I care very much about has really moved on. And because I'm a super stalker, I have seen some things. When I told my friend about these things, they told me that person is pursuing another woman and that's just where his heart is. And that's probably true, but I've been really struggling with losing him, and the farther he drifts away the more it hurts. Last night I saw him on WhatsApp and then I went on that woman's public social media account and she was sort of vaguely talking about him. He's been trying to reconcile with her and she's said no.
And I've been here waiting for him. It's very hard to see. But I refuse to close my fake accounts because it's all I have to keep up with him. And to be totally honest, seeing him on WhatsApp means a) he hasn't blocked me; and b) for those brief moments I saw him on there I felt connected for some reason.
I miss him so much. But he was a scoundrel too. He lied about his marriage and this woman he's still trying to keep going with.
So, I'm married too. I really messed up and complicated my life. But I love this other person too. Anyway, last week I hit rock bottom and had a breakdown of sorts. It was combination of a lot of things, but mostly it stems from losing this other man. This morning my husband says to me, "I learned one thing about you during your breakdown. You really hate yourself."
And so, there's that.
Even though I know that's the situation, it still really hurts to hear. And the combo of losing this guy and feeling extra worthless has really taken a toll.
I was always told that as you get older you stop giving f*cks and you become more comfortable with yourself. I turn 50 soon, and it's like I"m still a stupid 20 year old, struggling for acceptance, relevancy and a feeling of worth.
And it's all incredibly painful. I don't want to hate myself. I really don't. But I don't know if I can fix that.
What's so ironic is this other woman my ex cares for said on her social media (paraphrasing), "I know I wield my looks, but men don't really accept how smart I am because they're so attracted to me."
And I find that so gross and conceited. Yet, she has crazy self esteem. How do you get to that? And is that an OK way to live? Like you think you're so hot and smart that men just fall at your feet. And to be fair, she got the man I love. So, I must be as shitty as I think I am.
This is my brain. If you got this far, thank you. I'm sorry. It's embarrassing.
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