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Hard Truth Week?

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This week has been extra painful, and I know I'm posting a lot, so I apologize. I just don't know where else to go.

This week I've been dealt some very difficult truths about myself and my current situation. All given to me out of concern, and it wasn't tough love as such, but it was observations about me or things in my life that are things I'm not handling very well.

The first thing that happened is a super long story, and I've posted some of it around the boards... Probably not worth going too into again. But what happened was someone I care very much about has really moved on. And because I'm a super stalker, I have seen some things. When I told my friend about these things, they told me that person is pursuing another woman and that's just where his heart is. And that's probably true, but I've been really struggling with losing him, and the farther he drifts away the more it hurts. Last night I saw him on WhatsApp and then I went on that woman's public social media account and she was sort of vaguely talking about him. He's been trying to reconcile with her and she's said no.

And I've been here waiting for him. It's very hard to see. But I refuse to close my fake accounts because it's all I have to keep up with him. And to be totally honest, seeing him on WhatsApp means a) he hasn't blocked me; and b) for those brief moments I saw him on there I felt connected for some reason.

I miss him so much. But he was a scoundrel too. He lied about his marriage and this woman he's still trying to keep going with.

So, I'm married too. I really messed up and complicated my life. But I love this other person too. Anyway, last week I hit rock bottom and had a breakdown of sorts. It was combination of a lot of things, but mostly it stems from losing this other man. This morning my husband says to me, "I learned one thing about you during your breakdown. You really hate yourself."

And so, there's that.

Even though I know that's the situation, it still really hurts to hear. And the combo of losing this guy and feeling extra worthless has really taken a toll.

I was always told that as you get older you stop giving f*cks and you become more comfortable with yourself. I turn 50 soon, and it's like I"m still a stupid 20 year old, struggling for acceptance, relevancy and a feeling of worth.

And it's all incredibly painful. I don't want to hate myself. I really don't. But I don't know if I can fix that.

What's so ironic is this other woman my ex cares for said on her social media (paraphrasing), "I know I wield my looks, but men don't really accept how smart I am because they're so attracted to me."

And I find that so gross and conceited. Yet, she has crazy self esteem. How do you get to that? And is that an OK way to live? Like you think you're so hot and smart that men just fall at your feet. And to be fair, she got the man I love. So, I must be as shitty as I think I am.

This is my brain. If you got this far, thank you. I'm sorry. It's embarrassing.
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Btw, I'm hitting a real rock bottom here, and going through my exes texs and emails, and I went back to the letter I sent him after he broke things off with me. I never thought I'd share this, but I'm omitting anything that might reveal who he is or who I am. He sent me a rather cold "Dear John" letter (I feel), but then I sent him this, and it made me feel so good.

Everything got so perverted in the end. Meaning, it all got messed up when he contacted me to reconnect and we fell back into our long distance relationship. But only briefly because there was another woman in his life. He'd been fighting with her, and I believe that's what drew him back to me. They are broken up officially now, but I'm way out of the picture because I pried into his private life to find out about her. He lost his trust. That's my fault.

Losing him was the biggest mistake I ever made. But he said this letter "annoyed" him. And that hurt because it came directly from my heart and even reading it now makes me feel at peace with some things. I love him still to this day.

Anyway, here it is:

You are right, this is not what I wanted to hear. But I'm not surprised either. I could tell that you were moving away from me. Maybe I tried too hard to hold on, I'm not sure. If I did, and I put you in an uncomfortable position, I am sorry.

But I do have to say I don't understand the tone of much of your email. In one of our last exchanges regarding the trip you were very sweet and said you had "every finger crossed," but here it's like the whole thing was a bad idea from the start, and even if you could get time off, you wouldn't be able to do it anyway because of the holidays, etc... I just feel that maybe you shouldn't have encouraged the idea.

Admittedly, I was also put off by the part about my trips being a "responsibility you didn't want to have." I don't think you meant it this way but it makes it sound like I'm a burden on you. I am no one's burden. Yes, there's always hope that I might see you again, but the decisions to travel are mine and I haven't put any real pressure on you about them. It was a cold response, and it was painful, and you probably could have approached it with more sensitivity, considering where the rest of your letter goes.

In the last year and half, I feel that I've come to know you very well. Despite being extremely guarded, and not exactly forthcoming, I've learned to read between the lines and I just want to tell you where I think your email is really coming from. Of course, it could be a number of things, including you simply getting bored with me. And perhaps that's part of it, but I think when you say your daily focus is "narrower," you mean that you are ready to be more present in your marriage and your family life, and I don't fit into that. I completely understand, and I will honor your wishes. Yes, it makes me very sad, but I said this to you before: I only want you to be happy, and if this is what you want (and probably need), I want it too.

I am sure you know by now that I love you and I am in love with you. The way this kind of deep, intense love works is that my only desire is to give you what you need. And what you need is to move on and for me to let go. I guess it's just that what I personally wanted when you finally said goodbye was to feel that maybe you cared a little for me in return. You've written your name across my heart, and I only wanted a small piece of yours. I wanted to think that when you walked away it would be a difficult decision because being with me would only complicate your life and your heart. That would have meant the world to me.

I don't think that's how you feel though. I think you like me as a person, consider me a friend and even find me attractive, but I don't think I'll ever live in that small place in your heart I tried so hard to stake a claim on. And that's not me blaming you or trying to make you feel guilty or bad. The heart wants what it wants, and other hearts can't always return the favor. But the last year and half have been some of the most amazing, (and, admittedly agonizing) months of my life. I feel a little more free here to say a few things and I hope you read this and take it to heart. I know you wanted me to check my feelings, and I did not, but it all comes from a genuine place of real emotion, and I hope you can appreciate that.

I know it's strange to think that someone could develop these kinds of feelings about someone based on one meeting that only lasted a few short hours. Without really knowing anything about me, it probably sounds insane. But this is the first time something like this has ever happened. I wasn't prepared for you. And I was lost to you the moment you walked into the room.

But to be completely honest, I had developed feelings for you before we met. I know that sounds insane too. But there's something very special about you. You are fiercely intelligent (and I don't even know if you realize that), and complex and profound and challenging. And you're incredibly funny and can be very warm too. Not always, I know you held me at arm's length at times. But I think you had too.

I still feel that you've been married this whole time. I didn't say anything at first because I thought maybe you were living a fantasy with me via our phones because you were unhappy or felt that maybe you were missing out on something as a single guy. That maybe you just wanted to exercise some of those fantasies or desires. But after awhile I really wanted to ask you about her. I thought if you knew I knew and that that part of you didn't matter and there was no pressure on you, you'd open up to me. And you kind of did. For just a couple of short months, I could tell you were letting me in. Not into your home life, I didn't want that nor did I think you'd ever offer it, but into your world and to other aspects of your life and maybe even your heart. That maybe you knew that I am your biggest cheerleader and that I'd always be there for you in good times and bad. I think you appreciated it, and oh my god, everything felt so good. It was what I wanted, and in those moments you completed me.

But I think you thought better of it, and realized it wasn't right for you. Now, I'm giving myself a lot of credit here, and perhaps that's misguided. But I think you felt close to me too, and maybe that was just something you couldn't allow yourself to do. But, it was all I ever wanted.

One of my favorite conversations with you was when you asked me to watch XXX and tell you what I thought of it. What followed was a short series of texts/emails that I treasure because the conversation was so good. It was just about a crazy little movie, but I think we enjoyed discussing it together... and that you confided in me. We sort of shared XXX, I guess (and strangely I will always consider it to be "our" film). And, so even though I really loved all of the sexy stuff, it was the moments that you and I could talk about life, film, or whatever, that will always give me the most warmth. In the end, that was all I really wanted from you. And to be honest, even though you are by far one of the most achingly beautiful creatures that I have ever laid eyes on (and that's not a lie), I wouldn't have cared what you looked like at all because it's your soul that I love, not the body you live in.

But don't get me wrong. I obviously love the way you look too... (whenever you used the word "beautiful" my heart melted). And to share an intimacy went beyond my wildest dreams. I will never forget one second of it.

One of the things that draws me to you is that you are both the darkness and the light. I tend to be all darkness. And when you live the way I do, you walk alone. But for a time, I think we made the journey together, and that's one of the reasons I love you so deeply. You gave me things I didn't even know I needed. But I needed them desperately. There are voids that will never truly be filled but somehow you've helped me at least begin to understand the emptiness. Maybe there are answers for questions I haven't begun to properly ask myself yet, but the start of exploring them began with you. I'll never forget that.

But people like you have a light too, and I knew you would find the end of your tunnel somewhere. You will find exactly where you need to be and then as I linger in the twilight, I can watch the sun rise in your eyes. I knew deep down I would not be the one to make you truly happy, but I hope I gave you moments of happiness. You gave them to me.

At the end of this letter is The End of our story. As I said, I've felt you moving away from me for some time, so I wrote it for us a little while back. I have also added links to a few songs that will always make me think of you. I hope you listen and maybe it will help you understand me and my feelings better. Again, maybe I've given myself too much credit here in this relationship we've kept up for the last 18 months or so, but it's how I feel and I hope you understand.

And please don't feel bad or guilty. That's not my intention. I only want to share my feelings, and there were and are no obligations or expectations. I've thought about it, and if I had a chance to do it all over again, I would. And I wouldn't change a single thing...

This is going to sound stupid maybe, but I [was thinking about you talking about] Thor... and you were talking about the end of the film where someone tells Thor that the female love interest "Still searches for you." I [thought about] that bit over and over again. It moved me so profoundly, because that's how I feel about you. I'll always wonder about you, and think of you, and my heart will always look for you, because I see you everywhere.

Goodbye. I love you.
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