Harm: 1 Me: 0

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Theowin, Feb 15, 2014.

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  1. Theowin

    Theowin Active Member

    A little over a month ago I gave my tools to my boyfriend, "I don't want to do this anymore," I told him. I meant it. I had woken up that morning and I felt good, great even. I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be depressed. I asked myself, "Why did I ever try to kill myself?" but just as easy as I thought that an made the decision to stop harming the world came crashing down. Within days I started freaking out; I couldn't handle stress, everything was really stressful and I couldn't handle it. I went and got new tools and started harming again.

    My boyfriend was so mad when he found out. "You said you were done, so you're done. I can't let you do this, you told me not to." I can't argue with that but I can't argue with this feeling. I told him I needed it, "You don't need it." I told him he doesn't understand, it's like an addiction. "I understand. I know, you don't need it." He continued to be angry with me.

    I don't mean to make excuses for myself but it feels impossible not to do it sometimes. I don't know how else to cope with the feelings I've been having. Is he right to be mad at me? I don't know what else to do.
  2. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey, first of all, it's really brave and strong of you to reach out to talk about everything. It sounds like you're pretty overwhelmed at the moment.

    I used self harm as a serious crutch for several years. Believe me, I understand what you mean; it's like...you make all the feelings you're having tangible, and the pain feels pretty good, and it's almost like you bleed out your stress. And on top of everything I used to feel really guilty afterwards. It is not, however, a positive coping mechanism. It really helped me to find alternate, positive ways of self-soothing. I found that wearing a rubber band or hair tie on my wrist and snapping that instead of cutting is helpful. One, it's not nearly as dangerous. Two, it really stings which makes me question why I'm doing it.

    I think it's likely that your boyfriend's anger is stemming more from concern and confusion as to how to help. He clearly cares about you but doesn't know how to help you feel better. Maybe he feels like he failed you because you cut. Bottom line, he cares and he's just frustrated because he wants to help. Keep the lines of communication open with him; I'll bet you guys can think of a good self-soothing idea.

    Good luck, and hang in there. You are strong! :hug:
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Theowin,hanging in there as it's good to post. Reading your post helps me with my struggle. Together we can help each other get through our woes. Please take care.
  4. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    I agree with Incrisis & Justsomegirl Theowen - the other person can only really understand if they self harm themselves - like JSG I self harm too & as for you needing it as a coping mechanism I do too as I am sure JSG does too and many others who are members of this forum

    tc Theowen - your bf obviously loves you & only wants to be there for you even though he does not really understand

  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Theowin, just wanted to say JSG's simple self-harm mechanism stopped me from self-harming today. It's a start. Thank you JSG. Respect
  6. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    incrisis99, As I said, I'm so so glad. :hug:
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