Has anyone been contemplating for years and years on end?

[Bison]

Since my adolescent life, I've contemplated suicide. I've never made an "attempt" and when I was younger, I don't believe that I seriously considered suicide an option in my life. As I got older (around 23) I really started contemplating suicide as a serious option. I'm now 24 (25 in a few months) and the desires of suicide have not gone away. They disappear for a few days at a time but the overwhelming feeling is that suicide is really the path destined for me.

Has anyone else felt like this? Any tips for pushing the feeling away? It's such a romantic feeling that I have a hard time distancing myself from it but I find that the reason I won't do it is that I feel like it would leave too much guilt on my best friend and mother. Any comments are appreciated.

 

[itmahanh]

I've been suicidal for about 9 years now. My first attempt was 7 years ago. The only thing that has kept me going is relying heavily on my friends. I do see a pdoc, a mental health worker, attend support group and am currently on several meds. They do help to a degree but it's my friends that have kept me going. But it is like a comfort to know that I have suicide as an option. The days that I am happy, I treasure and try to hold on to for as long as I can. But the suicidal thoughts never seem to leave. I guess I have finally accepted them as part of who I am.

 

[nedflanders]

Welcome to the club. I've been contemplating suicide, and occasionally attempting, for about thirty years, since I was a kid.

After a while, the feelings become your way of living, and there's nothing you can do to make them go away.

If it hasn't got to that point yet for you, perhaps there's something you can do to fix yourself. But I haven't the foggiest idea what that would be.

 

[middleofnowhere]

I've been depressed chronically for 7 years, suicidal fo 3or4. Therapy, support groups, psychiatrist and meds have more or less brought it under control. I wish it would go away, but I'm not sure that it will. Much of the time I can suppress it to a level that's manageable, but it's always there, to some degree or another.

 

[Agrigor]

The only thing that has kept me from doing it for the past three years is lack of willpower or resources.

 

[diver200]

Well, if it makes you feel better, you are not alone, my dear friend. I am 47. I started contemplating suicide in my teens. I made my first attempt at age 19. Then I did a little better for a while. Off and on depression, with some thoughts of suicide mixed in. Then, at 29 I went into another deep depression. At age 31, I made my second attempt. I did okay for a while. Then at 40 another major downturn. It has lasted since then, with manic times and depressed times. Then at 45 another attempt. The only good thing that came out of that one is that I quit drinking. Now, almost two years later, I still fight the thoughts. It is like the thoughts come to me on their own, every where I look. I have been diagnosed bipolar. It is probably right. I have periods of good, and periods of bad. What keeps me alive? My wife and kids are the only thing that I can think about to keep me alive. I think about the things I would miss if I were dead. If I lose them, I will die. I wish I could tell you the magic pill. Really I do. But there isn't one. You just have to find what will motivate you to live. What will keep you going. Once you figure it out, write it down. Any time you start thinking about dying, read what you wrote. I might just work!

 

[Mortem]

Yer, I sort of recognize that. I've had those thoughts every day, for a bit more than a decade now. Just as you say they're very pleasurable, I wouldn't say romantic is the right word in my case tho, which is why it's very hard to get rid of them. Personally I'll just second what someone said above, it's all´stuck in my system now. I don't think my problem has ever been depression though, while the pain is too much for most here I think I might be too far up on the other end of the scale.

So... no idea how to go about getting rid of them really, therapy? Keeping yourself extremely busy? Trying to find something that feels even better than those thoughts and replace them with that?

 

[Aleth]

I think when you make a serious plan to suicide once in your life you cross a certain line which you can never really step back from.

I mean, even in periods where you are feeling fine afterwards, if something really bad happens and you are feeling absolutely miserable, the death option will cross your mind. Mostly it will pass just pass though with the emotion. You can often just sleep it off.

Although if you are hit by a major crisis, then you might descend into a real suicidal depression again. Esp. if the original problems which sparked it the very first time still haunt you.

 

[Nazza]

Hey, i remember wanting to die from age 6-7yrs im now 25 just, an i contemplate it more now than ever but my kids keep me breathing. Its so hard an i wish it wasnt this way for any of us. Its so hard to just wanna end it all, but have some purpose we wanna live for weather we feel we have to or want to. . Hope it makes sense - hugs.