Has anyone felt like this after a attempt?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Oct 1, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    This really isnt a after effects story like most of the posts here in this section are. I still want to share it though and see if anyone else has felt the same way..

    I never had a good life. My earliest memory is of my moms at the time boyfriend holding a porno magazine and telling me to come sit on his lap. I remember (very vage memories as luckily I blocked most of them out) a friend of hers touching my butt, holding up my shirt to touch my chest, and possibly raping me..Then stuffing a few dollars into my pockets before walking off. I grew up with a mom who went to school full time, worked for little bits of food at a local carry out, and got a check for $350 a month.. I always felt like no one cared much about me (expect for my Dad that is). My grandma is one of those people who think that children are the whole familys responsability so she got stuck caring for me a lot with my mom a full time student and all. I feel like she only took care of me because she felt I was her problem.. My Dad (whos not my dad but actually my moms stepfather but hes the only dad figure I ever have had and I have always called him Dad) is the only person in this family I felt really cared about me and not just because he had to..

    Anyhow...I got badly depressed and kept it myself for the most part. Then I was 13 I started having a sexual relationship with a boyfriend. My mom freaked and stopped letting him around the house.. My depression got worse because I hated the fact she kept me and the boyfriend apart.. Things only got worse as I got older..Mom always said I could talk to her about anything and I tried she got angry with me..So I stopped talking to her..

    I must of been about 14 or so as I was in another highschool (and I transfered in the 8th grade but didnt go there very long).. I finally had enough...I filled a huge bottle with random pills..and you probably know what happened from there...

    I crawled into a bed and waited to die..My mom finally notices something is up and carries me to the car and drives me to the ER..I remember seeing peoples faces as she dragged me thru the sliding ER doors. I remember nothing else for a while..Then I remember pulling off wires and maybe pulling out a iv, the memory is fuzzy. I remember throwing my shoes at the nurses and the doctors..Then I remember this nasty black stuff they poured down me and then they wouldnt let me use the bathroom..Next time I remember Im waking up in a hospital room to be toted to a mental ward...

    I had other attemps..I kept them quiet and they all failed... Today Im very angry with my mother still (Im 23 now)..I hate her for dragging me to the hospital.. I hate that she stuck me in the mental ward two times because it didnt help...

    Has anyone else been thru this? A strong hate because someone saved your life? I really wanted to move on/die/however you want to say it.. Things havent got any better, lifes not great now, all the promises of my problems being temporary and going away havent come true....

    Just wondering if anyone else has had this after effect of being angry at whoever saved you?
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I was very angry when I got the ambulance bill. My thought was they weren't suppose to rescue me.

    Have you been to a doctor about this. I've had therapy off and on during my life to help with the tough things that come up from inside. I was molested by 5 different men during my growing up years. I'm 52 now and some times the past bugs me. One of my goals is to not let the people from my past steal my future.

    Please keep posting. That is how we help each other here. :hug:
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Well of course I have talked to doctors, therapist, other professionals... It never does any good. When I was a young teenager without insurance my mom got a co worker to see me (shes a mental health worker/social worker). Then I had insurance for a few years and went to a lot of different places..Then I lost insurance and of course I have almost no money so a doctor is out of the question... So, Im not seeing now..and I wont even if I ever get the chance to again... I was on medications for 10 years..All different kinds..Lots of bad side effects - weight gain, rashes, skin that looked as if it had been burnt off, awake for days at a time, sleeping 20 or so hours a day, and even worse then those.... No amount of medication and no amount of doctor visits will cure me..I dont need fixed - Im not broken..Life is just awful..I have very little money.. A bad house..A old rickety car.. ..All of my problems stem from lack of money.. My husband disabled with a spine problem..My mental problems keep me from working..Judge saw me 4 months ago for a ssi hearing (That I waited three years on) and made her decision over a month ago but never signed off on it so I dont know what it is... Im over the past abuse..I just cant get over being poor..

    Sorry that was more of a rant... Things are just building around here is all..
  4. 11:59 PM

    11:59 PM Member

    Well ya, I can relate to things you've done. I OD'd heavy one night on various substances, closed my eyes hoping and thinking I'd never wake up again. Woke up in the morning super messed up. I vaguely remember painting my couch and after that was rushed to a hospital... freaked out the next day at some point ripping IV's out of my arm and ran out of the hospital in the gown with my ass showing. Only to get put in a psych ward. I almost lost it in the psych ward as I was forced to take many medications... effexor being one that had previously caused me to have heavy suicidal ideation. God damn it, if I'm going to kill myself, it's going to be because I make the effing decision, not because I'm locked down in a psych ward being forced to take medication like a rat or something. I escaped from that place I'm proud to say. It's still rough, everyday of my life I go though hell. I'm not really sure if I'm glad to be alive or not. To be honest I'm not really sure if I am alive or not. It sucks that people have to consider suicide. I feel your pain.
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Kristin about what's happened to you I'd love to get a hold of the bastard scum who hurt you,you can talk to me anytime hun milansteve@yahoo.com.au is my email,msn and PM me even on here I'll do my best to help you in any way hun.
  6. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    :hug: hunni. I am so sorry.
  7. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    A thought came to me the other day... My mom should of had an abortion.. She was a single 21 year old woman, no job, living at home with her mother. The doctors told her I wouldnt live long. They actually didnt even expect me to be born alive. The thought came to me that she went thru with it because she expect what they did. She figured maybe she wouldnt have to face up to it. My grandma told me my mom was a good mom when I was a baby. That they basically had to force her to shower because she was afraid to leave me alone, she was afraid Id die and she wouldnt know it. Thats not the mom I remember though.. My grandma tells stories of my mom taping her shoes together so I could have a new dress.. Again not the mom I remember... Anyhow..I actually told my grandmother my moms a idiot. I said she should of been smart enough not to go thru with having me.. If I was going to be dumped off on grandma so mommie dearest could be a full time student, part time store employee, and have her weekends out with friends and leave me until she knew I was asleep and couldnt come home with her - why even have me.. My relationship with family has screwed up my whole life..I nearly lost my son because I didnt know what to do..Neat freak grandma, pig pen mother, confused me.... My moms a good person..Good job (social worker and supervisor of a mental health clinic) and she does her best to help me when she can.... I think Im just angry because I dont feel wanted..You know the only hug I remember getting was from my uncle. Hes 9 years older then me..I was crying because I had to take an aids test (a sick ex boyfriend..unsure if he had it or not..thankfully I dont)..I cried and he hugged me. I smeared my make up down his expencive coat and he didnt care..He just hugged me and whiped the make up off...I have a good family..My Dad would give me his arms if I needed them..I just never felt wanted..
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