Has anyone given up, and started to makie a false self for the rest of the world?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Axiom, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Long title. :)
    In anycase, Im fucked. I've been trying, well actually I suppose giving up and more so, realising how pointless most of the things in this life are that we do. As a result, I've stripped a good portion of what everyone else takes for granted in normal life. Which has left me, bare, and useless in most cases.

    Which has been another issue for my letting go of this life. The failings and failures I know that are true and that are possible. It's restricting. As a result I know that the things that would allow me to grow and feel more "comfortable" in this life, are just out of reach. Not because they are difficult or unique, but merely because they require a certain level of, humanity. Social standings, skills.. our basic essentials. Mine are crippled. And I don't mean mechanics or schooling, or whatever, I mean more, the comfort level, the ability to interact and not be dismantled or overcome by a situation. Apply that to whatever you want, for me, I feel caged and claustraphobic now.

    Granted I've realized I have a slightly unique opportunity. I can continue to deterorate, which is going to probably happen for the next while lol. Or I can, paint myself so say. Make this body, this mind structured in a way that will allow me to interact in this world(to some degree). Atleast, that is where I am at. To be it's accepting a mask, and sufficating who I am inside, but unfortuntaly, who I am inside is nothing really, there's nothing special in there lol, I've looked. You can find it anywhere, if you look hard enough. And I just can't take it anymore. Which works. Either roll with it or against it, or I guess find a way to tweak or delay an inevitable.

    It's like going through your bloody early teens again except with the depressing concepts and rationals that swirl in my head. Im trying to care about other things, to care anything to be honest.

    It's funny though, I wouldn't mind grabbing the world in my hand and smashing it into the unknown. Beats grabbing some twats hair and smashing their face into a wall. ... Obviously im a bit angry inside at myself and applying it to external things and people. Im not daft enough to act upon it and I can rationally redirect the mental expresson onto myself atleast, which is in turn where it belongs.

    I ramble lol. Alot. Anyhow. Yeah... that's where Im at. And I just wanted to write it down, incase I fall again, so atleast I can remind myself where I am now, so if faulter, that perhaps, this reminder might help me someday to keep going, and to remember, not to forget what's inside. Though I won't :) It's a primary source for who and what I am :) Just the presentation is going to be, not me so much. Because me,.. on my own.. aint worth it. x
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah that "mask" that we force ourselves to wear. Not for ourselves but more for the benefit of the people around us. It gives us somewhere to hide away the real inside us. And it shields those around us from having to deal with our pain. Win-win situation right? Ahhhhh nope. The mask is wearing really thin and cracking beyond being useful for much longer.
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I have no other options left to be honest. Im too "strange" for normal people. And also, Im missing so many "normal" behaviors that if I want to keep going, I have to fake it and then believe it.
    It's been, very bad for me the last while, things that I've held back have just.. come into my heart so to say. It's been quite distressing to feel and watch my ambitions and hope dwindle at a rapid rate, again. I donno.

    I really don't like me anyhow, and those that do, are fucking friends and family who know jack shit about me. Yet they claim to. Too submissive and secondary. Im just in everyones shadow. So frustrating because I have this insanely dominate aspect to me, that really has no means of expressing itself, because Im so stupid. Ug.. I piss myself off lol.

    Thanks for you reply. Most wouldnt post in my threads xx Simply because I dont make much sense. I appricate it
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I may not fully understand what you are saying but I certainly do understand the pain hun. You can talk to me anytime you need to get it out. You said yourself that things you've held back are now coming out and causing you even more pain. If it helps please dont hesitate to talk to me about it :arms:
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Thanks for the responce. I'm alright to be honest :) Still trucking forward as they say. Trying not to let it get to me
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2011
  6. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I have a newspaper article that I can't find but the upshot of it was how many people well into their adulthood still carry most of their personality tendencies from early childhood. You say you are submissive and in everyone's shadow but have insanely dominant traits. Maybe you are by nature a leader and one who is very individual but years with a psychiatric disorder have forced you to be in the unnatural and conflicting position of being passive?
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    That's very sweet, but I don't need my ego to be stroked or my sanity questioned. Especially in the same sentence :)
    I suppose i could respond with more wit, but im too tired to learn what your particular way of wit is. Thanks though, but my wave length keeps me away from people because of my failings which destroyed any sense of the "leader" qualities, minus my own personal bare essentials. You should be wise enough to think for yourself anyhow. Unless your mentally unable to figure it out for yourself, and if you can't, stay away from me.

    And I don't have a mental disorder. I know it's a cliche to think that people in my position have a disorder because i see and think and act differently to the norm and the dominate accepted group. but to jump to that because of a rational string of thoughts that spiral out occasionally doesn't give you justice to label me mentally restricted, even in a positive spin.

    Sorry, don't mean to be a prick. Just didn't flow with me bluegrey :)

    Cute how I leaked so much information off of your response. I wonder if I should create a mask to ignore certain comments and respond with a more dodging response. I suppose wit is the greatest friendly dodger of them all. Id rather avoid comments like that than bleed to them again and again and again. x :)

    *edit* I think Im avoiding your comment about holding onto the things and feelings and events, moments of our childhood. Simply because, this is a mask thread :D lol. I donno. that's the opposite direction no? And I know you're thinking the problems are there, and that avoiding them isn't the answer. Im not avoiding them. Im making a structure that can bring situations where I can play with who I am, at a better level. Cause me, Im suffocating without YOURE POS RESPONCES ABOUT HOW FUCKING INSANE I am.

    Sorry just had an email and that's the last thing I remember you saying to me. Something abotu being tweeked or somethign in the brain. Or was it a gentle way of saying, You just dont quite get it. Which is it? Id love to hear the rational logic for you calling me mentally hindered. Minus my grammer, timing, spelling, and a few other things, Im .. not really that curious as to what you think. But hey, if you want to post again, be my guest, Ill respond I suppose :) When it comes to me and who I am, Ill let myself spin out of control, as long as Im not hurting anyone. And if you think i need help in a mental aspect because you think it should be different in some way, yet I feel free in it as I am, you can .. keep typing. Id love to read that.

    Sorry im being a prick arnt i :S
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2011
  8. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I am very sorry that I insulted you and labeled you. I was thinking more along the lines of my own situation and the entirely different person I am today- externally because of my psychiatric disorders.

    From birth I have always been very shy but I've learned to put up a wall. I put on my "happy, joke-a-minute normal guy" routine for acquaintances and strangers so that my awkwardness doesn't show and I don't feel stigmatized.

    Again, I was projecting my own situation and I sincerely apologize for any offense I caused you.
  9. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Nah you dont have to apologize. I should really apologize, I was reading from a very personal point of view. Something I defiantly need work on. Im sorry for over-reacting on you Bluegrey.

    I tried doing that for awhile, but for reasons that crashed and ive only recently been strong enough to venture out again and create an positive appearence. Though im at the stage where I don't want to be too positive, I tend to enjoy the negative alot more tbh. Trying to create a mask that's almost exactly me, but without letting me be me entirely. Cause Ill just mess it up.

    I think I can understand where you're coming from. .. I don't know what to ask :( do you still use that happy go lucky attitude or are you able to be yourself more freely now?
    I defiantly understand a face for friends and people.. I hate it so much that I cant be me around other people that, im starting to not care so much. Doing my best to work and have a laugh with people but not connect with them too personally.
    I donno.. I just get on with it now. See what I want, try and get it and go from there. The rest needs work, but I'll learn I suppose along the way. .. So much to learn though..
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2011
  10. Seems_Perfect

    Seems_Perfect Well-Known Member

    Hey, Blake. Like others here I also understand making a false self for the rest of the world.

    There is a book (and subsequent movie) called "American Psycho" and its about this guy, Patrick Bateman, who seems to have it all, but he's actually having a nervous breakdown. He thinks he's doing all of these horrible things, but in actuality he hasn't done any of it; he has just lost his mind (e.g., "Black Swan"). A few lines from "American Psycho" that applies to this thread...

    - You hate that job anyway. I don't see why you just don't quit.
    - Because I want to fit in.

    - There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

    - I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion...Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why...I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

    You're definitely not alone.
  11. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed


    Well, I have to say, If I was gonna go out with a bang.. :)

    That's the problem with being something you're not completely. Complete dissociation from reality or a percieved reality and falling into a self created fantasy world.

    Every mask needs to be able to be smashed at any given time, and who you are still be the same and able to deal with wahtever situation you brought yourself into while wearing that mask. It doesn't mean it's an excuse to lie to yourself. Perhaps just an excuse to hide yourself, but not entirely to the point of slicing and dicing your sexy neighbours... though I must say.. a mask can also be a strategic flow hamper to your normal self.
  12. I have several 'masks', nobody actually sees my true self because there is no-one I fully trust and feel comfortable around. My parents don't know me for who I am, I act as their innocent daughter around them, they don't know that I cut, they don't know I've attempted suicide several times.
    I feel like my life is lies but I can't undo what I've done without making it more difficult. It's like my old persona died and I created a knew one to please my friends and family, but I'm not happy with it because it's not who I am or want to be. If I could could just give in and admit to who I am and ask my friends to accept me I would but they would abandon me.