Hi
I want to start by saying thanks for allowing me to be on this forum. I don’t post much but sometimes it helps to come in and read the posts and responses. It makes me feel that I am not alone when I feel alone.
I wanted to ask whether anyone has taken the steps of speaking to their parent or parents about the impact their upbringing has had on them and how it went.
I’m currently considering speaking to one of my parents (father) but stuck wondering how useful it will really be. My aim of having this conversation is that it would allow my dad to see how his part in my upbringing has totally influenced my life and give him a chance to have a better relationship with me for the future, by not continuing the same behaviour. Otherwise I’m at the stage of cutting him out of my life either fully or almost fully in order to stop hurting. And I’m quite comfortable with that decision (has taken me months to get to this stage where I would be comfortable with it) but my preference is for that not to happen, and for us to have a healthier relationship for whatever time we both have left on the planet.
My childhood was never abusive but it lacked the emotional support/learning that allows you to turn into a balanced adult who can handle emotion and feelings and who knows that boundaries can exist, and who cares for themselves as well as others. I have spent my whole previous 40 odd years not knowing that I’m allowed to have my own feelings, not knowing that I’m allowed to have and set boundaries and I care more for everyone else’s needs and never put myself first. In short as my dad was hardly ever there and my mum suffered badly from depression I had to step up and be a carer and a parent at times and become an adult before I should have. This has had a severe impact on my life and I’ve lived each day with my main emotion being guilt, about absolutely everything and anything. This impacted me so badly that I have at several times over the past 15-20 years tried to/really wanted to vacate the world - it was my default answer when I felt everything was getting too much for me, and still is sometimes. I’m changing this with the help of therapy and a lot of self reading and I’m almost there.
Recently I have had a burning desire to tell my dad the impact he has had on my life and that whilst I know it wasn’t deliberate on his part (he just didn’t have the skills to do it) I want him to know how his behaviour has impacted my life and that the way he behaved, still behaved even to this day really upsets me and why it upsets me.
I’d be interested to know if anyone has spoken to their parents and has it helped you? That doesn’t necessarily mean that it was a positive outcome where you lived the rest of your life like you were The Walton’s, but did it make you feel better getting it off your chest? Or did you do it then wish you hadnt? If there are any parents reading, how would it feel to hear this from your grown up son/daughter? Would you want to know so that you have a chance to make amends or would you rather not know?
Thanks for reading
I want to start by saying thanks for allowing me to be on this forum. I don’t post much but sometimes it helps to come in and read the posts and responses. It makes me feel that I am not alone when I feel alone.
I wanted to ask whether anyone has taken the steps of speaking to their parent or parents about the impact their upbringing has had on them and how it went.
I’m currently considering speaking to one of my parents (father) but stuck wondering how useful it will really be. My aim of having this conversation is that it would allow my dad to see how his part in my upbringing has totally influenced my life and give him a chance to have a better relationship with me for the future, by not continuing the same behaviour. Otherwise I’m at the stage of cutting him out of my life either fully or almost fully in order to stop hurting. And I’m quite comfortable with that decision (has taken me months to get to this stage where I would be comfortable with it) but my preference is for that not to happen, and for us to have a healthier relationship for whatever time we both have left on the planet.
My childhood was never abusive but it lacked the emotional support/learning that allows you to turn into a balanced adult who can handle emotion and feelings and who knows that boundaries can exist, and who cares for themselves as well as others. I have spent my whole previous 40 odd years not knowing that I’m allowed to have my own feelings, not knowing that I’m allowed to have and set boundaries and I care more for everyone else’s needs and never put myself first. In short as my dad was hardly ever there and my mum suffered badly from depression I had to step up and be a carer and a parent at times and become an adult before I should have. This has had a severe impact on my life and I’ve lived each day with my main emotion being guilt, about absolutely everything and anything. This impacted me so badly that I have at several times over the past 15-20 years tried to/really wanted to vacate the world - it was my default answer when I felt everything was getting too much for me, and still is sometimes. I’m changing this with the help of therapy and a lot of self reading and I’m almost there.
Recently I have had a burning desire to tell my dad the impact he has had on my life and that whilst I know it wasn’t deliberate on his part (he just didn’t have the skills to do it) I want him to know how his behaviour has impacted my life and that the way he behaved, still behaved even to this day really upsets me and why it upsets me.
I’d be interested to know if anyone has spoken to their parents and has it helped you? That doesn’t necessarily mean that it was a positive outcome where you lived the rest of your life like you were The Walton’s, but did it make you feel better getting it off your chest? Or did you do it then wish you hadnt? If there are any parents reading, how would it feel to hear this from your grown up son/daughter? Would you want to know so that you have a chance to make amends or would you rather not know?
Thanks for reading