Yes, I have many times.. for whatever reason I am still here. I won't elaborate or go into details. No matter what I did. I thought the next time, I will really do it. My pdoc is surprised that I have made it through what I did with no liver problems or internal problems. Ended up in ICU several times.
Then I found SF and ppl here really helped me and supported me. It hasn't always been easy to go on. Just the way I grew up, not knowing why I always felt self destructive and didn't want to live.
Now, I have a good T, go to a group (1 1/2 yr) see my pdoc who I can talk to and helps me with samples of meds as they are very expensive like a lot of Rx are.. Can't say that I still don't have a hard time with going on sometimes with life but I know I can come here and talk to someone or help someone if I can.
There is a book another good T I had that helped me understand more why I always wanted to die and first did what I did and never reached out to anybody..Called "Waking Up Alive" Excellent book and helped me understand a lot more.. Got caught up in budget cuts unfortunately..but that was a stepping stone for me, I realize, now to think it through first and reach out to someone first, before reacting..extremely suicidal at the time.. I didn't understand that concept and wasn't afraid to die but she determined maybe I was afraid to live.. not sure about that.. just didn't want to go on living anymore. So, many things. Now, I finally found a good T who is tough, and helping me understand more, it has taken me time to get this far and have seen her for a year now. It takes time and the road is painful but I am told after walking through the pain, healing comes and one must face their pain. Not very easy at all, of course.. I still get very depressed and dealing with alot of stuff right now that looks hopeless at the moment. So, I come here and can talk to ppl or help someone. This site has been a blessing to me when I "accidentally" stumbled up on it almost 2 years ago. I had another date set.. very determined, couldn't face another year of heartache and so much more..in my life. The people I have met here and talk to are awesome, caring, supportive. They helped me so much and yet I really just wanted to check out but I couldn't believe how many ppl here really reached out to me and sincerely cared.. It was end of April 2005, I found this T and it has taken time to build up a trust and to work on things that I wasn't aware of going on in my life.. I was always strong and could handle anything.. yeah.. other than.. always going to that dark space..
I hope that you will find that support here and if you feel like doing something to yourself, reach out to someone here, anyone, or write here so that we can help walk you through it. The light at the end of the tunnel seems very dim. dark, or hopeless at times. I can tell you that but I come here first now. Even if it takes me awhile to write or respond lately because I need to take care of something in my life that is taking alot of my energy right now.
There are alot of side effects and I am very lucky that I came through what I did without being paralyzed, etc. However, I do know some ppl who tried and are paralyzed, in a wheelchair or became a vegetable, or in a coma.. one can still hear but can't speak or move.. very sad. I meant business when I attempted and shocked that I came out okay.. that I have no internal problems from all I have taken according to the tests I have.. my pdoc was very concerned a few times.. still is..at times..I remember him coming into my room, forced to be there one time, on hold, mad that it didn't work, again, 2002, and he was relieved, I remember him saying everything checked out okay. Never thought about that.. He stayed up all night worried about me because I left and went somewhere.. he/nobody knew where I was.. Oooohhh... one very very very pissed off pdoc...never seen that side of him.. can't tell you the threats he made to me.. omg.. I was angry and then scared that he had control now.. not me.. and follow through with what he said..Even though I attempted many times before this, first time, I ended up in hospital.. I didn't realize how badly I scared him and since then we have worked on that. I never thought anybody cared about me.. but now after all this time, I have built up a trusting relationship with him and it is hard for me to trust and I have a hard time trusting easily anybody..
Then like I said, I found SF here at the right time in my life and has helped me so very much... Ppl really understand.
I don't know if I have helped any and I hope I have. Even though you don't know me, I am concerned and I hope that you will give us a chance here to be there for you. NO, oding or any other method is risky, as it doesn't mean that it will end your life..no matter how much you plan out the "correct" way, you think.. but you may end up suffering greatly as several ppl stated here. Just know that we are here for you anytime and keep talking to us or anyone.. here..you feel comfortable with. Are you receiving counseling? I am trying to catch up with everyone here as I had to take a break to take care of some things but I still check in here as I am up to it and hope to be back on more regularly.. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to also... Okay?? Thinking about you...or anybody... listen to those people who have learned from our experiences and other experiences... surprisingly, doesn't always mean a peaceful death like many may think.. and the depression makes us think that.. not realizing that we are depressed perhaps or a life situation that hurts/painfully deeply.. reach out first.. we only want to escape the pain/the deep hurt and don't really want to die, though it seems that is what one wants to do.. and seems like the only way out. Sorry, this is long and I hope I didn't ramble on too much.. I just want to help you understand, that this doesn't have to be an option but with good support and good counseling that you will make it through what you are dealing with and why you feel the way you do about living.
Love.
gitana