Has your upbringing put you off having children?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Apr 25, 2010.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I have always wanted kids, and deep down I still do (probably more for selfish reasons than anything else though i.e. not wanting to be alone, wanting to leave some sort of legacy behind when I die otherwise it'll be like I was never here, if - God willing - I actually do meet and fall in love with somebody one day it'd be lovely if there was a person around that was part of myself and part of him etc. etc.).

    But truth be told, I see the silly mistakes my friends and family are making with their children and the ridiculously terrible mistakes my own parents made and it makes me think I really shouldn't have children. That would be the fair and sensible thing to do.

    But most of all, what sort of a mother would I be?
    I suffer from depression and even if I do improve, I probably always will suffer from depression on some level.
    Is it fair to bring a child into the world who will have to deal with this? Me going into a hole every few months and not being able to parent properly. Isn't it true that a miserable parent makes for a miserable child. It did in my case.

    What does everybody else think?
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    My father had children because of reasons in your first paragraph.
    My mother had kids because she 'just wanted them', even though she was with an abusive bastard for 10 years , she didn't know what he was doing to her.

    I see children as a huge personal responsibility that many parents do not know what they are getting into, or even SEE what they are doing, and what it involves, mainly cos I'm really aware of what lack of parenting by emotionally unstable/neglectful parents did to me, as well as being around really clueless, patronising family members who think they'd do a better job...

    In a fantasy I'd be great mother , if I was well. I'm naturally maternal, love being around children, take every single step,to provide that child with whatever he/she needed and I'd make sure I was financially secure to see that child well through and give him/her everything I didn't have which, was safety, nourishment, attention, love and healthy attachments to her/himself and others. Then again, I would feel trapped and tied down by a responsibility lasting 18 odd years. Right now, I'm no way safe to be around a child. I have poor impulse control when I'm going through a flashback/agitated and that's what no child should have to witness, see or hear if it could be prevented, and that's what I'm preventing by being certain that I will never have have children. Because it'd only cause more pain and suffering.
  3. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    It was 'interesting' growing up with a mother who was a manic depressive. But she's great.
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    My upbringing hasn't put me off having children. My parents made a lot of mistakes & I think I would always be cautious not to repeat them.

    I would love to have children but I'm realistic in the sense that it would be unfair, given that most days I struggle to look after myself let alone a child. It does make me sad though because most of my friends now have children & it doesn't help that at every given opportunity people remind me that I'm 27 & my 'biological clock is ticking'.
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    No, I'm not having children because my genetics are fucked to all hell. Bipolar disorder, epilepsy, Marfan syndrome, anxiety to all hell... We're smart and good looking, but that's little consolation.
  6. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Not at all.
    I want to make sure to give the next generation a happier childhood than I had; and help them to grow up as happy and kind people.

    I always wanted to have children-- and I still do even though I don't think I'll ever date again. lol
    When the time comes, there's always the plan B and C methods of makin' babies!
  7. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    I hate the little buggers.

    But seriously, no I don't think so. I have enough trouble as it is. A child is a huge responsibility and one that I am not sure I can handle right now.

    The culture of the place I am from mandates that I get married (and have produced children) by the age I am at now (28), and I have been under a lot of pressure by my family members to let them 'arrange' one for me. I have a lot of issues, and simply cannot agree to anything of the sort now.
    I am independent but there's not much else I can do except keep shunning them, yet they'll not stop. They go behind my back and try to arrange something, then put on a sad little face and act all innocent when I become outraged and refuse to go along with them. Out come my mum's tears and the usual protestations of 'what will people say?' and 'how can you treat us like that, we're your parents' etc. I can't tell them I'm depressed because that'll open a new can of worms. Apart from the depression, I also have other issues.

    It's a right old mess and I am getting more and more tired dealing with it.

    So yeah, no children for the foreseeable future.

    I'm a guy, btw.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a lot of pressure. I'm glad my mother doesn't care about what people think too much and isn't part of the "community" around here. I know very tight-knit families who are very much how you describe with the "should have kids, get married" by a certain age, not exactly arranged marriages but the pressure to do ABC, and my mother told them, when we were younger, she thinks "children should grow wild," rather than what they were saying which was to mould/control. It's the one thing I'm grateful she said and did, because if I was in your situation Theseus, I'd go mental, you have no idea.
  9. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Nope, not at all. I'd love to have my own family someday. It's the only long term goal I have, to settle and have children.
  10. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words. About the going mental thing, well I suppose I am on track for that, although not just due to my family's actions. I'm a softie though, they've done a lot for me and I can't bring myself to hate them for what they're doing now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  11. TriEdge

    TriEdge Member


    My mom and step-dad argued all the time and made the family miserable. I played babysitter pretty much 70% of the day. I feel like I already have raised over 4 babies and need not anymore. nope. None of that.

    My cousins have had babies and I thought maybeeeee but notta. I reconfirmed this by visiting my uncle and the baby he's adopted.

    I have this weird complex now. Plus, kids are so costly and if I'm not emotionally stable to support myself, how the heck can I support the kiddies?

    Or no, the worst fear is acting just like my parents did.

    you know how you can HATE your parents but then people say how you are so much like them? It all just sticks to you : <
  12. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    For me its been the opposite. I had such shitty parents that I'm confident I know exactly what not to do. I'm sure if I had kids they'd be the happiest and most loved kids ever.

    However I'm put off by the idea of giving my shitty genes to another person
  13. Tomas

    Tomas Well-Known Member

    Well my parents we're quite wonderful despite my Mum's mental health problems. I wouldn't reproduce because i'm not that nice a person and i don't think i could provide a child with a happy healthy upbringing.
  14. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Not at all, I would love to become a mother in the future. I'm aware that it is huge responsibility, but I'm ready to take it. Not now though but in the future... I'm very good in taking care of children and love babysitting. I often take care of my youngest (adopted) cousin and it wouldn't surprise me if I more or less unconsciously prepare myself for the mother role or something..

    My family has good genes so that won't be a problem, I'm basically the only person that has had any serious trouble with my health....
    Gosh, now I feel a little like a fail here, I've been depressed so now I'm the sickest person in the family >_<
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