Hate is a powerful word...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by what next, Feb 16, 2007.

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  1. what next

    what next New Member

    But it describes what I feel about myself. For as long as I can remember, I have used every ounce of what little strength I have to try to act like a normal human being. It is all I want, but it is not working. I can’t do this anymore.

    I want to be the cool, laid-back guy that is always willing to do anything to help out a friend, but in recent years I have managed to push away a lot of good people, leaving only some of my family. I think they are the only reason I am still here. If I could not always have the option of going home on some weekends to see my Mom and my dog, who, despite my personality, are still always happy to see me, I don’t think I would still be here. I love my Dad too; another short trip and I can make his day by simply dropping in. But if they were not around, I’m positive I would have ended all this long ago. The thing is, I know they all will not be around forever, so where would that leave me? I don't want to sound selfish, the one thing I believe about myself is that I am not. It's just that in the past I have been so willing to help anyone I thought I should care about to the point where I felt screwed in the end. For fuck’s sake, I am a senior in college, I should have figured all this out long ago; but these realizations I have long since abandoned.

    I have missed out on a lot of normal life experiences. I have never been approached by an interested member of the opposite sex; I’ve never even had sex, and am sure I will die without experiencing it. People say, “you’re better off, it can be a hassle,” or “it’s better to never have it then have it just every once in a while.” But it’s easy for them to say. They don’t think about hanging themselves because they will always be without someone to share life with, or even the wants and needs that every person has. Still, it is one of many things I have given up on. I see why when I look at myself in the mirror, which I try to avoid doing anyway. I have a list a mile long of things I wish I had done, and people laugh when they hear even one thing that is on it.

    I am also an alcoholic and an addict of sorts, usually just cigarettes, and other ‘legal’ means that are sought out by me to try to forget about my everyday life, which is filled with disappointments in myself. I am not good at any one thing, there is nothing that makes me stand out besides my cynical outlook, awkwardness, and total lack of self-confidence. I wish I could have been the normal kid that experimented, had a great time, but still managed to keep my shit together. But I’m not. Something as trivial as trying pot I am even pissed about missing out on. It’s something else many say I’m better off without… I guess the best thing I can do is take their word for it. What else can I do? What’s left? All I have is the ability to over-think even the most minor of situations, and soon after kick myself for not saying or doing the right thing. Saying hello to acquaintances in the hallway or cashiers at the market is not easy when you are self-conscious about the sound of your own voice.

    Crippling social anxiety keeps me home whenever I don’t have to be anywhere. I’ve never been to a bar in the city I go to school in with friends, to a concert, or been offered a hug by anyone. The only person that has ever accepted my offer for a date I met when I was seventeen. That was after we were friends, and I stayed with her for the several months following. She wanted someone to hang around with when her parents would let her, and to hold hands with and act cute. Take that, normal 17-year-old desires. I know I sound like a real asshole, but it was the best I could do. If I hear anyone talk about sex, I want to swallow a goddamned razor blade. Typing the word pains me, I can’t think about it. Here I am, 6 years since then, and nothing has changed. Every year that passes by it just grows more pathetic.

    The seldom and random few that I actually build relationships with, platonic only of course, are just that; few and far between. I’m sure if any of them were to read all this they would reply with “Oh, stop, it’s not that bad. Get over it.” So does that reaffirm my pathetic-ness, or just my ability to repress my feelings? After all, depression is just anger without enthusiasm, right? I guess I just wanted to get all that out for the first time ever… There is no one I can talk to. For the time being I will just keep self-medicating and crying myself to sleep thinking about what have could have been.
  2. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    what next ,

    Welcome to the site!!!! We are really glad you are here. Wow, that took some tremendous strength on your part to get that all out thier, good for you. Although I am female and had a different experience than you growing up doesnt mean I cant be empathatic to what you are saying. I can here the desperation in your words. Im so glad you have your mom, dad, and dog to keep you going, we all need something.....please lean on us and if you ever feel you want to feel free to PM any of the wonderfull staff members here...or any of the members....I hope we can support you in a way that is gonna help you get through this......best of wishes for you.....
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome, sorry life is so hard on you but glad u have people and dog who love you (I have pets and they are a great consolation).

    Your post was brave and very well expressed, you will be able to make friends here and i hope this will help you in your depression.
  4. Hey man, we have a lot in common. I'm a junior in college.

    Have had little dating experience. Never had sex. I have a really hard time getting out and doing things. I have a handful of good friends...but lately I've taken a co-op job and have lived in another city. It's incredibly lonely.

    But you say you're pathetic. I've said that alot to myself the last few weeks.
    But you know..who the hell has a right to call us pathetic? I mean.. who really gives a fuck what others think? So is it us that think we're pathetic? Why? Because we're virgins? Because we're shy or can't get a date?

    Why would we think of those as valid reasons for us being pathetic? Because it's based off of what society has conveyed to us. Two words: Fuck society.

    Only thing that matters is what you think. It's about your happiness. So don't let our society's influence con you into thinking you're deficient somehow. But all the same.. don't give up in your pursuit of change and happiness. Just keep trying. Hell, we're young and I'm sure we'll eventually get it right before we bite it. :cool:
  5. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    hi and welcome! i am an infrequent visitor here, but i always find solace and good people to chat with. i'm sorry you feel pathetic, but i think you're in good company here. we have things in common, i feel like i have ruined my and other's lives with my selfishness. i also feel like i have made huge mistakes at critical times to end up like this. my point is i relate to you. i would encourage you to hang in and hang on..i'd like to hear more from you.
  6. what next

    what next New Member

    I had a huge reply all typed out, but I wrote all that before now; this week is bad. I have a family member that has been sick, diagnosed with a degenerative illness almost 10 years ago. I won’t know anything for a few days, but now there is a scare involving the big C word… he is worried, I am a fucking mess. This poor bastard has been tested with most everything, I don’t think there’s anything left. At least he knows he can call me about anything… that helps the both of us a little I think. I am also very thankful for my roommate, she has become my best friend; even with the terrible stuff she has had to deal with recently she is still there for me. I would do anything for either of them, that is why I am still here right now. I feel so selfish that others have real problems and I am the way I am.
  7. bEvans

    bEvans Active Member

    for social anxiety, i found that taking steady doses of phenibut powder(perfectly legal and relatively well understood substance) really helps.
    my life has generally improved after being introduced to this substance. even met a female who is a woman, rather than a girl.
  8. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    I feel you, friend. I'm in the same situation. I feel pathetic too most of the times. when i see friends and people with their girlfriend, i'd just like to disappear. My parents think i'm gay because they never saw me with a girl. nothing against gays, for god's sake. just to say how people consider me.
  9. ithurts

    ithurts Member

    You are intelligent and articulate. Have you ever tried medication? I had so much social anxiety and the meds really helped. They didn't turn me into a social butterfly but I did find it much easier to do things that would have made me freak out before. It also made me feel better that it wasn't just a weakness but a chemical thing.

    I think with a little medicinal help the social anxiety might be lessened and everyone will see what a smart and caring guy you are.
  10. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    What Next.....just wanted to let you know I was thinking og you and wanting to send you some BIG HUGS...:hug: one day at a time.....
  11. what next

    what next New Member

    Yes, I was on medication on two seperate occasions. The first time was not really my choice, kind of forced into it by my parents and the quack I was forced to see every month. Second time I actually asked for it, the anxiety was too much like it is now. Two different drugs, and I took myself off of each of them. I have heard that is dangerous but I can't see how it's anymore dangerous if you are thinking about hurting yourself most times anyway.

    In all honesty I am not sure why I posted all this crap here. I guess it was good to get some of it out but it's not going to change anything. When I leave this wonderful planet:unsure: I know it will be by my own hand. I'm just not sure when yet. It's too late already, I've missed too much and I need out.
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