hate my life and hate myself for ruining it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by moogkitz, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. moogkitz

    moogkitz Well-Known Member

    I'm 20 years old and have a nine month old son. I hate my life because I am a parent now and it sucks. I found out I was pregnant at six weeks and didn't know what to do. Halfway through the pregnancy I thought I should give the baby up for adoption but my mother and my son's father (BF at the time, unfortunately) emotionally manipulated me into not doing it, i shouldn't have listened to them but I did. My mom said if I gave my baby up she would be very depressed behind it and she would pack her shit and move far away from all of us, and that I was being selfish because what if I wanted to have children in the future. Me being 19 and stupid at the time really took that to heart and that drove me closer and closer to keeping the baby all the while knowing that my life was about to change forever and I knew I wasn't in a position to take care of a kid anyway. I'm not really a kid person and I always thought I would never have any. But I didn't want my mom to up and leave me but now I hate her for manipulating me like that and not supporting me in my decision. She offered to take the baby and raise him and she did do that for like two weeks before she called me complaining about how it was too much for her and she was exhausted and basically I was a shitty person because I had this baby that I didn't want and I didn't even call to check up on him (which was a lie). Then she said she didn't really want me to take him back she was just venting, but I know she is wishy-washy and narcissistic, bipolar and a liar so I took my son back that same day. We still maintain a relationship but I hate her secretly. I feel like her and my son's father told me lies when I was pregnant but now I shoulder all the responsibility. I love my son but being a single parent at 20 sucks. I want to go back to college but I can't do that. I work a full time job, sometimes 50 or 60 hours a week and still struggle to make ends meet. My son is in daycare all day and I work nights so I don't see him anyway, but I always have to worry about if he's okay, who's gonna watch him where and at what time, my mom will watch him while I'm at work and she'll always over-exaggerate about how sick he is and this and that, and he needs to go to the emergency room (which I did take him once and the doctor's said he was absolutely fine, now I have to pay that hospital bill on top of other bills I already owe). My baby daddy is an asshole and an idiot, I told him in my last few weeks of pregnancy that if he wanted to have the kid he would be doing it on his own because this is not what I wanted, and he was always telling me that he was ready to be a father anyway. But now my son is here and his daddy is a sub-par parent. He only cares about seeing me, and any time I'm around him he tries to have sex with me and I have to say "no" a million times just to get him off me. I let him stay the night at my apartment one night cause I didn't feel like driving him all the way home and I woke up to him in bed with me (I made him sleep on the couch) with his fingers in my vagina. I had no idea what was going on cause I was sleep but I just said "ow" and he stopped and left the room. If i go over his house for whatever reason he is usually drunk and has physically restrained me when I deny him sex. Neither of us see our son because we work too much. I haven't even seen my son since like this past wednesday because I just started a second job. I barely get sleep and I barely eat and I'm so miserable. I hate my life the way it is and I wish things had been different. I just want to die cause I don't know what else to do at this point. I have these horrible thoughts of hurting myself, hurting others, hurting my son that I don't tell anybody about because they would think I'm crazy. Sometimes i just want DCS to come by and take my son away to a better and more loving family, because I hate my family and my baby daddy's family and I hurt for my son because his immediate and extended family is shit. I want to kill myself cause I'm tired, tired of everything.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How about reaching out to your community for help Get a parenting course to help you deal with stressful situations. Other single moms go to college and still keep their child as community what is available to help you do this.
    In the end the decision is always yours if you feel that raising a child is too much then phone child services and get supports in place to help you or make a decision to put your child up for adoption you decisons you choices but do it with knowledge ok

    Talk to people who will help you make the best decisons for you and for your child
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Wow - I do not blame you for feeling crappy and overwhelmed. I read your other thread as well where you said that you are having thoughts of harming people. This is an awful lot for anyone to deal with.

    What you need to remember is that there IS help. You say you sometimes what the DCS to come and take away your son - and truthfully I think that every parent has days when they do not want to be a parent - even the ones who desperately wanted and were ready for the child in the first place.

    You do need to take some action - for yourself and for your son. You are not a bad person for not being able to cope - you wanted to make choices that were right for you and would ensure your son was cared for but you were pressured by other people to do something else instead. That doesn't make you a bad person and there is NOTHING to feel guilty about for needing more help than you are getting.

    Speak to social services. I know that people get scared and anxious about social services but the fact is that they would FAR rather help than have to come in to a crisis situation. They can help you cope, they can organise respite care if that is what you need - they can hook you up with the people you need in your life to make this work. You say how much you love your son and it is obvious you are trying your best under almost impossible circumstances. Working a 50 hour week and taking care of a 9 month old child, and yourself when you are only 20, is a huge responsibility and if your support systems suck then it is only natural that you feel that parenthood sucks. Social services WILL help you if you communicate with them. They do not want to take your baby away - and you are not the first young person to have a child and struggle; you are not failing anyone and asking for help isn't bad or weak.

    You NEED to talk to your doctor - they can help put you in touch with social services - between them they can help you. You need to tell them that you are thinking about dying and you can't cope. For yourself and for your son. It is OKAY that you feel like this - you are not a bad person - but you need to ask for help from people who can and will give it (since your family and the baby's father are not helping).

    Keep talking to us and if you need some advice on who to call and what to say, there are people here with experience with social services who can help you navigate that. Send me a PM if you want to talk -I can meet you in chat or we can PM on the forum. You're not alone.