Hate My Life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kylie, Jan 26, 2015.

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  1. kylie

    kylie New Member

    I'm having a really bad day. All I can think about is how much I don't want to live any more. I had a spinal fusion 2 years ago and have been left crippled and in pain. I can't look after myself or my 5 year old daughter. It's so depressing. I really miss my old life. I can't stand for more than a minute which makes so many activities impossible. I hate myself and who I have become. I feel so sad, I can't sop crying. I've tried everything to get better, pilates, physio, massage, acupunture etc. and I jsut don't think it's going to happen for me. I've been reading <mod edit - guidelines> I don't want to live the rest of my life in pain and crippled.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, Im so sorry that you are in a horrible state. Please be strong as you are important and we can help you. Your daughter would truly miss you and especially at such a young age. Can you get help with the day to day chores of life.

    Keep posting as we will help you as much as we can. It's not nice to see people suffering on a daily basis.

    Be safe and take care.
     
  3. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hi, kylie, welcome to forum btw.
    swimming related activities are also recommendable
     
  4. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kylie. I hate my life too. I wish that I could go back in time to the way that I used to be. I used to be really happy and now all of my days are filled with sadness and fear. There are a lot of things that I'm not able to do anymore as well and many of the things that I can and need to do I have difficulty with. Though I'm a grown man, I want to cry about it as well, but it won't do any good. Best of luck to you and I'm very sorry that you're having to suffer.
     
  5. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kylie, I have a horrible condition as well [CRPS] and it is quite advanced. I am 13 years in with it and it will not improve. People speak in a loud voice to me as they see me coming cause they thing I have had a stroke . It used to bother me greatly but I let it slide now. I will be honest it took me 7 years to even understand that severe pain was never going to leave me. I too missed my old life, I was active [played on a national woman's hockey team] and the physical part of my life was everything. I had a partner [just passed] who was so supportive even though I had years of not wanting to continue with the pain. I can't tell you it gets better cause it just does not for everyone. What does get better is how you adjust to it. You are so early into it, it would not be fair to give you coping mech yet.
    Grieve for your past way of life and accept your limitations. Pain is so damn difficult and honestly you can try to explain how you feel but no one will really know how bad it can be so it is very easy to get depressed and want to give up.
    It is a huge adjustment to living your life and sooner or later you WILL adjust to a lifestyle that is unique for you. Your little one will adjust as well and will love you regardless of your ability to participate in the normal mommy activities.
    Pain is extremely draining and you may need some help at home depending on your physical ability. It is not shameful to ask or accept help where ever you can find it.
    Family and friends may not understand [most don't] and keep asking ARE YOU BETTER YET?, have patience with them they mean well but will never understand your loss of what the future once meant.
    I lost many friends even good ones as I could not participate in activities or even venture out on a windy day [it's a weird condition I have] so eventually they just stopped asking.
    It is hard and 2 years may seem long to most but to me it is just the start, give yourself time and patience to find the new you, a routine that works for you and after you are finished grieving become selfish as hell. I mean it, only allow yourself to attempt the tasks that you will be able to handle the consequences from.
    If I go out to the yard for instance or take an awkward walk I know I will be in bed for a 3 day recovery. Do I then do the walk? that is your decision, me I do, I fight and accept the pain I will have and do it.
    Since my partners death a couple of months ago I been stranded in bed for hours at a time, I live by myself so it is difficult. Years ago I would have panicked but now I just lay there and laugh knowing I will be able to get past the pain and turn my body. It may take hours but I will do it.
    Pain is not a visible condition and like depression or mental illness is not well understood to those who can not see it. You will find the strength to carry on for your child but you must do it for you just as hard as for her. Your outlook on life is important for both of you.
    So grieve, cry, and accept the pain as part of you and just do your best to cope even if it is hour by hour or minute by minute at times.
    Good luck to you and if I can help with anything in the future please don't hesitate to contact me.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Reading your post makes me feel that I am taking for granted that I am not in the position you are (I have different types of medical illness but I can cope). I really do know how you feel. Suffering mentally and physically is extremely draining.

    Are you getting any counselling? I see you have made a list of things you have tried, does simply just walking help?
     
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