Hate my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dragon2020, Jun 27, 2011.

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  1. Dragon2020

    Dragon2020 New Member

    I don't know where to even begin. I know alot of people have "issues" but why do I think about suicide or dying every day.

    I am 24 now

    Growing up I was not physically abused but my mother and siblings were by the hands of my father. I was more mentally abused by seeing the things that I saw done to my siblings. I did get beat with a belt for stupid things (ex. contaminating the jelly jar with peanut butter). My parents eventually got divorced and of course my siblings and I stayed at home with our mother. I was always a shy kid from growing up with this so I was very shy at school plus I was a late bloomer and looked much younger then I was so I would get picked on all the time. I ended up going to a all boys school in high school where I got picked on and even punched a few times by bullies. I didn't like going to school because of this.

    I moved down south to be near my dad to give him a "second chance". He had appeared to be a "changed man" when visiting him after the divorce so I figured it would be a good thing. (I know some would ask why I would even visit him after what he did). I am a very forgiving person so I felt I had to since he was still my father. I lived with my dad for a year. I worked at a retail store and went to college when I wasn't working. Ended up not getting much sleep (especially during summer semesters) and therefor my grades sank. I would fall asleep while driving...things were not going so well.

    I met a lady at the retail store I was working at. She had randomly said she worked for a computer company. I told her I do computer stuff. She gave me her employers number and a few days later I got the job. I was working part time at around 15.50 an hour for this computer company.

    My dad decided to loan me $50,000 to buy a house so that I would move out and get on my own (I really had no idea what I was getting into, he was basically forcing me to do this. I really had no other choice at the time. I had never lived on my own before away from the parents. I really think school should have been first before buying a house.) The agreement of the 50,000 loan was that I would have to refinance my house in 2 years and give him back the money. If for any reason I could not refinance I would give him 7% interest on the 50,000 per year.

    I bought a house and had a roommate rent a room from me which helped with the mortgage. I still couldn't really live off 200 a week though and so my credit cards started being charged heavily. The economy started to dive and they started to cut jobs. (The gal that I met at the retail store got laid off) My hours were greatly reduced and I couldn't afford my mortgage anymore of like 850 per month + utilities and such. I ended up quitting school and starting my own computer company. Maxed out my credit cards and my credit was sinking because of this. My roommate moved out when I told him I needed more rent. (I was not charging him for utilities or anything) When 2 years passed I could not refinance and thus I was paying 300 or so dollars a month in interest back to my dad. This was at the worst possible time since the economy had reached its low point. I ended up selling the house back to him and we both lost lots of money selling the house for 32,000 lower then what "we" had paid for it. Things were getting really nasty between us always fighting and having problems. When I went to sell the house he had people come to look at the house while I was conducting business from my home office and I had my clients with me. He wanted me out of the house for all showings which had 15 minute notice. At one point I refused a showing and he bashed down the front door. My business was truly fu$%#*! at that point.
    He wouldn't leave the house and told me police and court action was going to take place if I didn't cooperate with his demands. He is very much bipolar. He is very much a sadist! He thrives off everyone else's pain! OH What a shithead!!! I never want to see that asshole ever again.

    My mom moved to Michigan and I decided to move up here with her. So far it's been really hard to find work and start my business up here. The economy is the worst in Michigan in the entire U.S. It's been really hard to start up and I am still working on it very slowly but still something. At least my mom is nice enough to not charge me much to live with her. I feel ashamed that I had to move back in with her but I guess you got to do what you got to do to survive.

    Today I have lots of Anxiety issues and even though I try to be social, I find myself to be very shy when meeting new people. I definitely don't like to be in a group of more then 4 people or I start to shut down to my Introverted shy mode.

    Still trying to get rid of all my debt from the house/credit cards. At the same time I have discovered that I have no life and I have gone completely backwards in life at the same time. I find myself being very depressed. I have kind of dug myself a deep hole of debt and pain. I haven't spoken to my dad since I left and I hope I never do again. There's alot of reasons why I feel suicidal. Most of which is that I just simply hate my life. I did move to Michigan to be happy and my mom does make me feel better but at the same time what the heck did I do with my life and what the heck is the point of life to begin with? What's the point of living?

    I will try to reread what I typed while ranting. I am sorry if some things don't make any sense. Hopefully I have reached the right place. Sorry if I did not. Thx for listening!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ah hun im sorry your father is being such an idiot Your mother loves you and will be so devastated if you left Small steps okay try consolidating all your debt into one payment okay that way it won't seem so hard Ask a financial person about that it can be done hugs
  3. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Dragon2020,

    You are 24 and you deserve a lot more time to live and see what life is about…

    I’m sorry for your experiences with your dad. I feel that there may be other ways to deal with the situation, but I’m not sure. What if you declare bankruptcy? Also, your dad in a way forced you into the debt and house purchase. Given your young age and his power over you, there may be something in law that you may be excused of the debt to him?

    Fortunately, your mom is still there for you and she loves you very much as you can see. There is no need to feel ashamed. I’m sure your mom has the wisdom to see the reality and she may probably know you even better than you do… Also, things change. Maybe one day you can help your mom when she needs it…

    As you said, you are “a very forgiving person”. Please forgive yourself also (for yourself and your mom - as your mom would love you to forgive yourself). Things happen in life. Thing is that we can also learn from bad experiences…

    Yes, small steps…bit by bit…things will change…how you think or feel about life will also change…

    You know you can use your awareness and direct your energy to think more about how to live…

    With loving wishes to you and your mom…
  4. Dragon2020

    Dragon2020 New Member

    Thanks for your words of encouragement. :)
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