Hate myself for breaking a promise

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by VioletGirl, Feb 18, 2009.

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  1. VioletGirl

    VioletGirl Member

    Hi all :)

    Just feel the need to let it all out.. Any help would greatly appreciated

    I've known this friend for more than three years, and he honestly feels like the best friend I've ever had. Whatever my problem was, he always listened, helped and offered very good advice.

    A few months ago, I realised that I started to have feelings for him (I'm a girl btw) but I was sure that he didn't feel the same, so I decided not to tell him. He somehow figured it out, because apparently I was acting differently around him, and asked me about it. I always hated lying, so I told him the truth - that yes, I was in love with him.

    His answer was completely shocking. But as I expected, no he didn't feel the same way, which I was totally fine with. Though he then added, "I don't think you understand. The reason that I can't like you is because that.. I'm not into girls, if you get what I mean. I'm telling you this 'cause I know how self-conscious you are and I don't want you to feel like you are not good enough. Trust me, there's nothing wrong with you." And I just found that the sweetest thing anyone could ever say.

    After that, I never mentioned my feelings again, but we continued to be friends. I was so happy when he gradually became more open about his sexuality. It was the second time he ever came out to anyone, so I imagine it was really difficult for him. I don't think he has revealed so much of himself to anyone else, and the fact that he decided to trust me made me feel honoured - he doesn't trust 99.99% of the people. I went to a local festival for queers with him, and I've recommended a few social groups for queer people his age..he's happy about that and is ready to come out at school.

    I wish the story ended there. Despite the fact that I promised I wouldn't tell any of this to anybody else, I found it hard to cope with it. Most of the time I was happy to see him smile, but you know, occasionally I had to think for myself as well? And the fact that I would never, ever be able to be with him made me really sad on various occasions, and I desperately needed someone to talk to. I mentioned the scenario (of course, not his name) to a close friend, who also happens to be a close friend of his. Unfortunately, this friend became very curious and wanted to know who he was. A while later, he just sort of figured it out, saying that he's always been suspicious. When he told me about his guess 2 weeks ago, I confirmed it.. I honestly don't know what I was thinking at the time. Maybe it's that look on his face - he swore that he wasn't homophobic and that he'd accept him no matter what. That look seemed so sincere I guess. But still, nothing is a valid excuse.

    After that, ANOTHER friend figured it out, and yet again, I confirmed it. Well I didn't really say yes, but I didn't deny it either. Seriously, I must be the world's most horrible person. I keep asking myself, WHY did I break the promise? WHY?? I was depressed to the extent that I cut myself. And well, the throbbing forearm feeling was quite nice actually - the physical pain made me forgive myself a little.

    As much as I hated lying, I decided to tell him - he really deserves to know the truth as to what I did, and the fact that he came out to such a horrible person. I told him two days ago, and surprisingly he said he was totally fine with it, as long as there wasn't a "next time". But ever since then, he's been avoiding me and everytime I talked to him, he walked off after giving a one-word answer. I knew something was wrong, so I called last night and asked If he was angry at me. To that he said, "to be honest, I haven't forgiven you for what you did." Which is completely understandable. Why would he forgive such a horrible person like me anyway? I was like, "I know, I realised that you didn't want to speak to me. Look, if you don't want to talk to me it's fine, I understand." He didn't deny that either, and tried to hang up as quickly as he could.

    I feel like I just lost the best friend I've ever had, and perhaps the first person I've ever loved. But guess who's fault is it? MINE. IF I didn't tell them.. IF I didn't break that promise... I just hate the fact that I've let him down after all the times he's helped me.

    I know that everyone reading this post would be hating me right now. TELL ME how much you hate me, honestly. Because I so deserve that.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Just wait until you've been depressed for a while longer. Then you'll break every promise.
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey hun,

    I don't hate you :hug:. I don't know you but I'm sure you're lovely.

    The sad thing about depression is we tend to read too much into things. Perhaps your friend has just been busy lately? He probably doesn't realise how much this is affecting you where as you most likely have hundreds of scenarios running around your head.

    It may have shocked your friend to find out that you had told a few people, but you're only human hun, people make mistakes. If he's anything like the friend you've described then he'll come around & he'll realise your friendship is too important to lose over this.

    Take care, Claire xx
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    none of us hate you hun...we are all human, and yes, we have all made mistakes like this at times....

    i think you should give him some time - and maybe later try to repair your friendship. to do this - you'll have to acknowledge that you broke a confidence, and show him you have full understanding of how deeply that would hurt him. the only way to then fully have restoration of your friendship - would be over time - if he decides he will '''see'' again , if he can trust you. and this time, of course, you would keep any confidences..

    this is all a part of learning and growing - and many of us no matter the age - still do things like this hun ....it does not mean you are a bad person. ..not at all. xxxx
  5. VioletGirl

    VioletGirl Member

    Awww guys thanks for all the positive replies! :smile:

    I suppose there isn't much that I can do really.. Just have to wait and see how he feels after sometime, and then try to forgive myself in the mean time..

  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I can only speak for myself, I don't hate you, that's just for the record.

    Anyways give him some time and space to think and see what happens and how he feels later.
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