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Hate myself physically.. Punishment via death.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bluesman, Feb 20, 2010.

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  1. Bluesman

    Bluesman New Member

    I'm finding it hard to put together proper sentences right now but I'll do my best.. There's a lot to tell (covering the ups and downs) but I'll try and keep it short.

    I have hated my physical appearance ever since the age of around 12 years old (likely sparked by being one of the few boys in the class who hadn't kissed a girl). Combining that with the severe mental bullying I received (unrelated), I came to the conclusion that I stood out and was the target of bullies due to my appearance and to a lesser extent just the way I acted in general.

    Going into secondary school (high school) things seemed to begin pretty painlessly. I wasn't the immediate target of any bullies and I quickly developed a couple of new friends. After a short 1 or 2 years of happiness, things changed very suddenly. My main newfound friend started associating with this scumbag on the rugby team and I fell out with him as a result. Shortly after that I began getting bullied. One little sh*t in particular like to make fun of my smile. That laid down the facts for me once and for all.

    Still no interest from/success with girls either..

    The one and only thing I had at around this stage that I could use for comfort was my newly discovered musical ability. I taught myself to play guitar in the style of my idol Jimi Hendrix and spent most of my free time playing at home and picking up new techniques (and still all I do now really). I eventually put together a band with a few guys in the school and we got on well and I received very positive reactions from many students and teachers after some gigs we played at the school. I'll admit I was regarded as one of the top guitarists in the school (maybe the top in my age bracket) and that, I believe, is the only thing that kept me out of hitting severe depression during that time. It didn't gain any respect from the same old scumbags in the school though and I still got the verbal bullying and constant humiliation.

    As for 'relationships' with the opposite sex.. One thing happened to me at the age of about 15, which (for a short time) lifted my self confidence and brought a bit of happiness to my life. I kind of unofficially, albeit for a short time, had a girlfriend. This wasn't just any girl though. She was very good looking, a year older than me, and sought after by a lot of guys. She was the friend of a female friend of mine who lived on my street and I rarely talked to her when she was around. Then one day it was made known to me that this girl liked me and I was persuaded to ask her out. I was overjoyed and most of all shocked. I called her up, asked if she'd like to go out some time and she agreed. I had people in the school coming up to me and asking me if it was really true I was going out with this girl. I felt like I had respect for the first time in a long while.

    After that? Short stint of happiness before downhill it went.. She was a shy person and refused to hang out with me alone and was always asking me to come and hang out with her and her friends to which I always refused. The only times I got to see her was around a large gathering of friends. So I eventually ended it after never getting to experience an actual relationship.. How she found me attractive in the first place? God knows.... Once off.. you can be sure of that..

    I dropped out of school at 16 and did some courses instead which my parents got me doing.

    And well I am 20 yrs old now... and where am I? Same state I was in back in secondary school but even worse. Lonely, a virgin, no interest from girls.. thus I feel inferior, undesirable and worthless. And I also have no job (apart from a few local gigs every week at a local place).

    Anyway in recent years especially my physical appearance has been the main thing I hate about myself. I look at my father (and his family) who is tall (6ft+) yet I ended up at 5'9... Oh but did I get his or my mother's good looks though? NO... didn't get that either and as a bonus my body is out of proportion (got a large head and long legs).

    The only good quality I have is a musical talent. THATS IT (what's it done for me so far!!!??? Nothing!) Up till recently playing guitar comforted me when I came home feeling inferior and worthless but that's changing now and is not sufficient to make me feel better. I can positively say that I would trade my musical talent in a heart beat for good looks/or other desirable traits.

    The anger I feel at life and what it has dealt me has left me with little desire to live it out. I want to kill myself more as a punishment than anything, but also just to escape this misery I face everyday of my life, while I witness so many lucky and fortunate people who are able to enjoy life thanks to their good physical qualities.. I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!!!

    I have been researching ways to kill myself that minimize the possibility of survival resulting in permanent bodily/physical disfigurement (things are bad enough as it is, don't want to be forced to live with additional physical defects if I were to fail). So I will soon be attempting to acquire <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> but I have been researching it and it seems generally painless and most of all, effective).
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2010
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all welcome to SF. I'm glad you posted. I hope we can help, just by offering friendship and support so that you realize you're not alone.

    BTW, I think it's awesome that you play the guitar. I've always wanted to learn but never had the chance.
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you sound like a great person.
  4. phasta

    phasta Member

    i'm actually really jealous, i bought a guitar and a teach yourself dvd but i sucked hard! i'd love to be able to play but it takes a lot of talent.

    if you're getting gigs, especially a regular one, then you're already in the top 1% of all musicians everywhere.
  5. Bluesman

    Bluesman New Member

    It only gives you so much. When it's literally the only good thing you've got, you'd wish you'd been better off in other areas instead..

    Like I said, my only good quality, has done nothing for me so far. All it's served as is making life alone just about bearable. It's not cutting it now however, I want what I simply just can't have due to my physical flaws and it's killing me.
  6. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    I haven't written much on this site, and I don't want to state, "I know how you feel" when you know that many others around you simply don't. But I hope this is some solace for the time being.

    I'm tall, fairly "athletic," although I am in rather questionable health lately so I don't think that qualifies. I grew up with congenital birth marks almost all over my body---no kidding---from day one. My face, my chest, one of my legs and right foot, my glutes, my hands, my neck, and dentists have noticed they are somewhat noticeable on my gums. Although I have had extensive (and expensive) laser treatment, I am still not "normal" looking according to either societal or sociobiological standards. I never will be.

    In all honesty, despite some periods where I lusted for life, I'm surprised I didn't slowly kill myself with alcoholism. When I was 22 I drank. Constantly. I don't know how I lived without permanent organ damage or alcohol poisoning.

    I've only had a handful of women that ever show me any kind of sexual attention, and one that claimed she loved me, it was so horrific near the end I don't think I will never have a relationship ever again. Perhaps I will recall some of it some time.

    Perhaps my greatest shame is that I never will ever feel desirable to women despite having a few times with them. I think I have given up on them for good. It cuts so deep I have completely given up on the idea of marriage. Never mind children. I was in such pain as a youth about what I went through that I could never imagine inflicting this life on a child. I did want to marry, but at my age most women don't give me a second glance.

    I only work part time, live outside of a shitty small town, no retirement income, an uncertain future, and wonder if I can ever jumpstart my career again. I do have one thing going for me economic-wise; I am not a bad cook. The problem is that only chefs make any real money, and with my physical condition I honestly think I have been discriminated against. I can't prove any of it. I also do MMA, but beating people up legally and for a living is pretty much out. Maybe if I was 19 and had time on my hands, but even then I don't know how far I would go. It's political, and sketchy as a venture. So forget it.

    How I prove this that I have been discriminated against? I don't know; employers can make up all sorts of bullshit reasons why they didn't hire you. I have a culinary degree. I worked in a gourmet kitchen for nine years; eight of them as management. I've done more than that outside of that job. Yet every time I go for an interview, if I do get an offer, it's almost entry level pay. I have never been an executive chef, but certainly could be a sous chef without too much trouble. This all happened was when I was laid off (restaurant closed) and it was across the board. I realize that this economy is crippled, but I personally don't give a shit---I see others advancing that have HALF the work ethic and background, and, of course, getting paid more.

    Sorry to ramble so much. I don't know how this will help you, but I just wanted to say this for you as it stands.
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