I'm finding it hard to put together proper sentences right now but I'll do my best.. There's a lot to tell (covering the ups and downs) but I'll try and keep it short. I have hated my physical appearance ever since the age of around 12 years old (likely sparked by being one of the few boys in the class who hadn't kissed a girl). Combining that with the severe mental bullying I received (unrelated), I came to the conclusion that I stood out and was the target of bullies due to my appearance and to a lesser extent just the way I acted in general. Going into secondary school (high school) things seemed to begin pretty painlessly. I wasn't the immediate target of any bullies and I quickly developed a couple of new friends. After a short 1 or 2 years of happiness, things changed very suddenly. My main newfound friend started associating with this scumbag on the rugby team and I fell out with him as a result. Shortly after that I began getting bullied. One little sh*t in particular like to make fun of my smile. That laid down the facts for me once and for all. Still no interest from/success with girls either.. The one and only thing I had at around this stage that I could use for comfort was my newly discovered musical ability. I taught myself to play guitar in the style of my idol Jimi Hendrix and spent most of my free time playing at home and picking up new techniques (and still all I do now really). I eventually put together a band with a few guys in the school and we got on well and I received very positive reactions from many students and teachers after some gigs we played at the school. I'll admit I was regarded as one of the top guitarists in the school (maybe the top in my age bracket) and that, I believe, is the only thing that kept me out of hitting severe depression during that time. It didn't gain any respect from the same old scumbags in the school though and I still got the verbal bullying and constant humiliation. As for 'relationships' with the opposite sex.. One thing happened to me at the age of about 15, which (for a short time) lifted my self confidence and brought a bit of happiness to my life. I kind of unofficially, albeit for a short time, had a girlfriend. This wasn't just any girl though. She was very good looking, a year older than me, and sought after by a lot of guys. She was the friend of a female friend of mine who lived on my street and I rarely talked to her when she was around. Then one day it was made known to me that this girl liked me and I was persuaded to ask her out. I was overjoyed and most of all shocked. I called her up, asked if she'd like to go out some time and she agreed. I had people in the school coming up to me and asking me if it was really true I was going out with this girl. I felt like I had respect for the first time in a long while. After that? Short stint of happiness before downhill it went.. She was a shy person and refused to hang out with me alone and was always asking me to come and hang out with her and her friends to which I always refused. The only times I got to see her was around a large gathering of friends. So I eventually ended it after never getting to experience an actual relationship.. How she found me attractive in the first place? God knows.... Once off.. you can be sure of that.. I dropped out of school at 16 and did some courses instead which my parents got me doing. And well I am 20 yrs old now... and where am I? Same state I was in back in secondary school but even worse. Lonely, a virgin, no interest from girls.. thus I feel inferior, undesirable and worthless. And I also have no job (apart from a few local gigs every week at a local place). Anyway in recent years especially my physical appearance has been the main thing I hate about myself. I look at my father (and his family) who is tall (6ft+) yet I ended up at 5'9... Oh but did I get his or my mother's good looks though? NO... didn't get that either and as a bonus my body is out of proportion (got a large head and long legs). The only good quality I have is a musical talent. THATS IT (what's it done for me so far!!!??? Nothing!) Up till recently playing guitar comforted me when I came home feeling inferior and worthless but that's changing now and is not sufficient to make me feel better. I can positively say that I would trade my musical talent in a heart beat for good looks/or other desirable traits. The anger I feel at life and what it has dealt me has left me with little desire to live it out. I want to kill myself more as a punishment than anything, but also just to escape this misery I face everyday of my life, while I witness so many lucky and fortunate people who are able to enjoy life thanks to their good physical qualities.. I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!!! I have been researching ways to kill myself that minimize the possibility of survival resulting in permanent bodily/physical disfigurement (things are bad enough as it is, don't want to be forced to live with additional physical defects if I were to fail). So I will soon be attempting to acquire <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> but I have been researching it and it seems generally painless and most of all, effective).