Hate Myself *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Mar 1, 2012.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I fucking hate myself.. And then all a sudden I go between hating myself and liking myself.. But I just fucking hate my body.. This morning I woke up and I went to get dressed and I just wish I had the right parts.. ='(

    I want my chest gone.. I want to be male.. I even thought about wearing a sock down there to make it seem there but I know its not going to be :cry:

    I'm so stressed.. I've been cutting past few days.. I just.. want to always be in pain.. I want to blame myself for things.. I do blame myself.. I don't know why I just do.. And I hate myself.. I want to cut deeper.. but on my arms.. I just don't want anyone seeing it.. But I'm getting addicted I think..

    Been so up and down.. One minute I want to cry and the next Im laughing.. My head is so messed up..

    I blame myself.. for my past I think.. Because I couldn't protect my brother who died in 2005.. I think I blame myself because I'm the one that was messed up.. my other 2 brothers were ok.. I was the only one who started having problems after he died.. I just don't know.. But maybe it's just because I was like a 3rd parent.. and because I had turned off all emotions.. for so long..

    My brothers stayed at home.. And I was given up to the state.. My parents gave me to the state..

    I feel like Im evil.. A demon.. sometimes.. Why can't I die? Idk.. I've attempted so many fucking times.. it doesn't really matter anymore.. and whats worse then death is eternal pain.. and I feel I deserve that.. in some ways.. hell.. But I don't know.. my brian conflicts..

    What purpose is life... I'm not sure.. and right now all I can do is wait and see.. But I am I guess impatient.. I just.. hate life.. I hate the society we are in.. it really has no fucking purpose..

    I can't handle jobs.. I can't handle most people.. I honestly get too angry.. upset.. or anxious.. untrusting.. whenever I hang out with most people.. very few do I trust.. And I am glad I have a few but.. I dont know anymore..

    I cant remember shit anymore.. And I feel this constaint battle in my head... whats real.. Between past, present, and future.. what is reality.. what memories are true.. false.. or just differently viewed.. and then I have parts of me beliving in these dreams of the future.. and other parts not sure whats is real.. and others just saying I'm crazy.. And then right now I'm just going completly between sad, depressed, SH-ing.. rememebring suicide attempts.. then to happy, excited, hopeful.. Then to just ok.. and I dont know.. Im.. All over the place..

    Im going to miss my cat.. :cry: I'm going to miss my internet.. I already miss playing Digimon Masters Online.. an MMORPG I've been playing.. Prob sounds stupid.. But honestly part of me is just a kid..

    I wish sometimes I could play on the play structures and not look like some weird person that u wana stay away from.. I want to play sports still.. Or just throw a ball arround :cry: I want to not have to worry about money.. about having food.. a place to live..

    I'm crying.. I just.. don't know anymore..

    I just hate myself..
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Why do you blame yourself, what happened?
    Can you get another cat? I have no pets but I do love cats and they are great companions, and there are always ones that need homes.

    The MMORPG, I bet that was a good distraction, which helped stop the thoughts. Do you no longer have the internet?
    It's good to have these childlike thoughts, I remember that quote 'we do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing'.
    I do not know your situation but community sports might be an option.

    I am sorry about your brother. People handle things differently, I hope you can keep talking about things.