I hate to say it but i think a suicide attempt would do me some good. It might settle me on whether i actually care about my life or not. Of course there's something weird about trying suicide with the intent to fail... but i'm really good at failing. Just last night my dad walked in on me attempting to sing and laughed at me. I've been depressed so long it's pretty much become a part of my personality, i've failed every attempt to show my feelings in my life so far, everyone takes my jokes seriously, and what i say as a joke, i have no idea how to express any of it, the girls i've fallen in love with even made me fail... every attempt to talk locks me up... every attempt to scream locks me up. I dont want to hurt anyone else, but i can see i really need this, it's not natural for anyone to keep themselves bottled up. I mean it might be insulting to anyone who takes suicide seriously for me to ask "Can i try it? just to see if i'm sure or not?" see i absolutely loathe what i'm doing with my life, i hate everything i do, it's like watching some idiot fuck up my life, and i can't live like this. I know for certain i'm mentally unstable, i've never gotten anything diagnosed because i hate the thought of drugs changing who i am, i suppose i'm determined to get over this naturally or die trying.