Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by non-existent, Nov 5, 2010.

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  1. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    I don't know what to write or why I write...

    I just hate myself, this dirty worthless guilty disgusting ridiculous thing so much... endless hate endless disgust endless guilt...

    Still, I'm not allowed to xxx. I want to xxx. xxx. Wait for the xxxxx.

    No.... There's a mother, and there's a father...I have to wait... They're 60 years old so 20 or so years to wait for me...

    No, 20 years is not a time when things will be different... If humans lived that long, it would not be different in centuries...

    I need to survive those years....

    And what is that stupid little thing inside me.... Crying, being sad, being afraid of death for never having done all the things wanted to do. There's no reason to miss anything. 1. I did not qualify for anything good. 2. There's nothing after death, you won't notice what you had and what not.

    I hope I'll find a way to make myself numb so I can play a nice girl and do school, then university and then work and smile to my parents.

    Hope I'll find a way to die inside... Hope there is a fast way to do so...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Being a survivor of severe childhood abuse and neglect, I surely understand those emotions, however, over the years, I found they were hurting me and not them...so sorry you feel this way and that there was a situation that caused these feelings...J
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Why do you hate yourself so much hun? You sound like a really nice person. :hug:
  4. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    For me there's no reason to feel that way...

    As I said I have nice parents and have to live on for them even if I don't want to do so...

    The things I've done will never be undone so there's no way.
  5. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

  6. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    Thanks for your replies.... A sweet little hamster for you :hamtaro: cause you're so nice...


    Cause I'm nothing but a burden for my parents. They don't make me feel that way. It is just fact, I know it.
    You can read the first post of my old thread to see why...

    I wish they could see how worthless I am. But why shall my mother see that for she only has me and does not want to be with any other people, pushes all people away even nice women who want to be friends with her? Why shall my father see it for he doesn't even live with me and our relationship is really good?

    I can only hurt people...

    And do I do anything to be a better daughter? No! I tried to be nice and caring and say I was okay.

    No, I didn't try I'm do bad to try anything good I just cheat myself.

    So, some everyday example of what a bad person I am....

    Yesterday, I got up and said hello to my mother while going to the bathroom. Was still tired and fed up by having lots of work (homeschooling, but still work^^) that day, so just said hello went on. She said I shall come in her room and give her a kiss. So I did, I think she must have noticed I was just gotten on my nerves.

    Then, it was 7, I asked if I could have breakfast at 8 I was tired and not so hungry so I would learn for an hour then have breakfast. Of course I knew she would never allow that, so I had breakfast at 7. I must have looked nasty and tired and angry, though I did not do or say anything angry but obviously didn't want to talk for only giving short answers and not starting any conversation.

    Then I wanted to start learning, she held me and told me to give her a kiss, chuckling like a little girl. So I gave her a kiss on one cheek. She gave me her other cheek then, and this went on for about 20 times or so. I said I have to work, she said why don't you smile. I smiled as I was told, and she said that does not look like a real smile. So I tried to smile better. She told me to hug her and I did. Finally I made it to my desk and started to work.

    After some hour or so, I wanted to get a glass of water. I went to the kitchen, she saw me walking around (obviously not working, so...) she called me. I told her I had work she may let me work. She said I shall come to her. So I came. She told me to hug her and to kiss her and so I did. I said I had to learn now. She said I shall lie next to her a bit I had the time. I told her several times, no, I have to work and at the moment I don't want to lie on the bed with her, I would do in the afternoon.


    And what do I do? I start to shout at her. "No means no, I said no and you are old enough to know what no means.". I'm the dirtiest thing in the world. I asked her if she knew what no meant. She laughed, like a little girl, and said "no". I told her that if my father or anyone else forced me to hug and kiss him especially when I don't want to and wouldn't accept no. Said that cause as I child, she always told me to say no if someone came to close to me and I could rely on my feelings. I asked her several times why it was different with her and that I'm adult and know whom I want to kiss and when. She got round the thing by telling me my father would never do like she does for he didn't care about me (not true, but...). I didn't stop to argue, and told her she knew I loved her she didn't have to force me show it by forcing me to kiss her when I don't want or have no time. When I feel like it and have time, I always hug her or tell her what a sweet nice woman she is...

    I asked her if she knew I loved her. She said she didn't know. There was some love and also very much hate. No wonder, as I always get nerved and angry... I asked her if I didn't show her I loved her (as if I did - ridiculous, look at my behaviour). She said sometimes you do sometimes you show nothing but hate. She laughed her ironical laughter, as she always does, not like a child anymore, the laughter which makes me want to run away so I don't hear it anymore. I shouted at her... You can't shout at someone to tell her you loved her... She will never realise it...Worst thing is mostly I play my love for I am to angry it is more guilt than love.... I told her I was so sorry. She laughed saying I was capable of anything but not of being sorry. Of course, being sorry if I did bad against other people, but never sorry for doing bad against her. She laughed again.

    Told me she just was so clinging to make me love myself (one minute after telling me I hated her and was not capable of being sorry). She just did it to make me be fine. I didn't need to tell her I was fine she would never believe me, she could feel my emotions no matter what I did or said. Which made me completely break down again, though I know it was a test or sth like that, told her how bad I felt about being so bad at my father. Of course, no my father is guilty of everything and I'm a poor psycho not able to control her emotions, if you briefly bring to the point her next 15 minutes of talking. She always goes round things.

    Then I said she shall say I was not the stupid psycho not knowing what she did. She laughed again saying a doctor who didn't know me had said "personality disorder" already when I was 9 years old, and I could just think black and white (I don't think so, but I want things clear....). She laughed. I asked her to believe me I loved her. She kept on talking my father didn't care for me and than that I probably liked this, she was just in my way, was always in my way for trying to do my best. She kept on laughing that terrible laughter. I (I'M SUCH A BAD PERSON) felt the wish to hit her to make her stop laughing.... I did not do. But I pushed her away as she came closer to me saying don't touch me. She opened her arms, laughed on saying "Come, don't hesitate, beat me up, that's what you've always wanted to do." I felt the violence in me exploding, and instead of just running away, I took the roler pin (we were in the kitchen) and started hitting me with that very heavy thing shouting something half understandable that I was going to break my bones. I DID THIS IN FRONT OF HER!!!!! Of course she took the roler pin away and just went to throw it away (as if it was the only thing I could hurt myself with...) she always throws away expensive things when she's upset telling me she wasn't upset. I MEAN I DID THIS IN FRONT OF HER... Then I ran away, afterwards telling her I was so sorry. She just laughed. You can't be sorry. Capable of anything, but not of that.

    If anyone read this useless post, he/she sees what a bad person I am....
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are not a bad person...your mother created drama and you responded...next time try to filter what she is doing so that you do not compromise yourself...anyone who would want a kiss when someone does not want to give it shows she does not know or respect limits...J
  8. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    Thank you you're really nice....

    I don't know.... I just know that she said she was doing it cause she felt I didn't feel well and hated myself... I'm so sad and anrgy with me she knows everything about me even the cruel way I wanted to kill myself...
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