My head is racing, not with thoughts but with some kind of unusable energy. My patience and concentration levels are floored. I got distracted for 20 or 25 before writing this post, when I thought it was the only thing on my mind. I've been ahead of myself lately, first thinking about what I "need" to accomplish academically 2 years into the future, and then 13 years into the future. I've put consideration into time for family, fitting in the hope and possibility of kids, and thinking about a specific business to initiate and fund three years into my career. I've been obsessed with attempting to set up my future for the last week or two, though I don't think I had ever been concerned with it before. But I've finally slowed down, on that front at least, except I have a hyperactive quality about me that feels something like unproductive inner restlessness. When I began putting all this pressure on myself, I was trying to do a lot at once, signing up to volunteer, beginning a course to teach preschool kids, joining a wellness group, getting therapy, talking to an advisor, and getting an updated transcript besides going to classes, within three days. I guess I didn't have direction, because there wasn't much thought behind what I was doing. My psychiatrist surprised me that weekend by telling me I was in a mixed state, which was coinciding with switches in and out of depression. I didn't know I would end up forming an all or nothing agenda, figuring that I'd have to get through college, go into a certain pre-health program, and then a specific med school or else consider my life is a failure, bringing on suicidal thoughts. My doctor had pleaded for me to go on medical leave from school a few weeks ago after a suicidal idealization in order to get me into a hospital and stabilize my medications. I argued against it, because I didn't want to delay my education only to end up in the same rut down the line. I was taking Lamictal and Zyprexa. I stopped taking the Zyprexa, because of fatigue and intense hunger cravings, and I notified my doctor about it. We agreed to cut the dose in half during the week, when I have classes, but I haven't gotten back on it yet. Now I'm stuck, because thinking deeply enough to make meaningful decisions seems beyond my ability and control. Sine Friday I've been going downhill, sleeping two hours per night, and today I'm lacking motivation to do anything. The scary part of all of this is that through my depression at the start of the semester I wondered how I could get through the coming 4 months, then I had grandiose plans, now I'm apathetic, and I don't know what's next.