Hating life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alstare1974, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. Alstare1974

    Alstare1974 New Member

    Hi guys.

    Been doing it pretty rough recently. Been suggesting from depression for last 8 years but only been diagnosed for 2. Before that I just dealt with life how I thought everyone did not realising that actually I was sick. It all started when I had to leave the forces and then my best friend was killed in action. For last 2 years I've been suffering with depression and anxiety and the fact I haven't dealt with stuff before.

    3 months ago my marriage broke down and in turn I've lost my house and am living with my parents. I'm off work sick as I just can't concentrate or deal with people. I'm feel like I'm also on the verge of losing my job as I've already had a warning about my sick leave (due to depression).

    Things have been pretty dark and am struggling to see a way forward. I hate night time because my brain won't turn off and I lie in bed thinking of everything that's gone wrong. In turn I end up sleeping in very late as I'm tired but I also can't find any real reason to get up. I've also started to think everyone would be better off without me, I have my method of suicide all planned out just can't bring myself to do it cos of my parents. (I'm 37 btw). I am pretty addicted to visiting suicide forums everyday which doesn't help but I can't shake my curiosities.

    I don't know why I'm posting this or what I hope to achieve. I guess I just wanted to write something down.

    I've been referred to my local mental health team but it seems to be taking forever to get seen by the referred therapies that I am waiting for. I'm on venlafaxine, flupenthixol and zopiclone. Feel like I should rattle when I walk.* I also feel like I'm going out of my mind half the time.

    Cheers for reading.*
  2. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    Pretty happy to see you here.

    Life is hard. I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you have gone through, and are going through. Please know I'm here if you would like to talk.

    Take care...I'm so sorry. :(
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you have been suffering so grately The arm forces does give therapy for people who serve their country. Can you contact the VET hun see if they can get you some councilling some therapy to deal with your trauma you loss you unstability I am sure they would help you
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your friend. They will be forever a hero in my heart.

    You can't help but wonder I'm sure, if there was something you could have done to prevented it. In my opinion, god makes the choice when it is our time to go, and nothing, or no one, is going to change that.

    I'm glad you can think about how your actions would affect someone else, it gives you reason to keep fighting this.

    You don't think it helps at all to have someone to talk to about the depression? I'm not sure what I'd do without these guys. I can't share this stuff with my friends and family. When I'm depressed, I need a shoulder to cry on.

    Keep talking to us, give it a chance, maybe it'll work in due good time.
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Here in the UK every solider loses mate these days!

    Its inevitable with those Afghanis! Well - they are a lively lot - we can defeat them but never truly win - it just goes on and on - my grandad fights their grandad and now its the grandsons!

    Well - seeing your mate killed is bad - but in some ways dying in that way - its sad but not such a bad old death really.

    and you always are remembered.

    Soldiers, generally expect to go to hell - but God usually tells them "You have already been there - chill out, welcome!"

    Anyway bro - depression can be defeated - but its a sly enemy so make sure you never underestimate it!

    At the same time - you will kick its ass.


    PS - you in a union?

    Might help with work.

    worse comes to worse - grab some welfare and some r&r

    Hope things work out mate - hold your head up high - and I'm sure you will grab a happy ending out there.
  6. Alstare1974

    Alstare1974 New Member


    So just been to the gym and had a good work out although my mood did crash afterwards for some reason. Thanks for all messages of support.

    Must point out I didn't see my mate die but he was one of 5 people I knew on board two helos that collided.
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Ah well mate - soldiers know that might happen - you - your mate - all your brothers in arms have that deal. And you honour your brothers in arms who have fallen by living - maybe visit the grave if they have one - and do write to the parents if you have not already - and his girl if there was one.

    Your mate would be proud of you - not for surviving the war - because compared to depression we'd all sooner be surrounded by the Taliban and firing so much that our hands blister from the heat of the gun!

    War is tough - but the battle for your mind is a war unlike any other - we cannot call in air support bro! I wish we could and we could get all FUBAR on this heap of s*** called depression!

    Well - we aint got air support but we got the fight in us - we will not surrender - and you got other brothers and sisters in arms now - fighting the good fight

    Or brothers in pharms!

    Anyway dude - I hate war - but always got time for a poor solider boy! I got Irish blood so want to fight the world - give me a tank - and a nuke and I'd be a ambassador for peace.

    Ah well - good luck and do not keep this in - talk to people and get help if you need it - you got army support there? You might have PTSD mate - in fact - could well be the root here - but do get professional advice on that.

    R.I.P to your buddy and to all the fallen in war. Enemy or us. We're all human beings and I hope one day the army is a peacetime career.

    Sorry you had to clear up the mess others created.

    Best wishes and hope you get a bit of peace of mind soon.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni


    Sending good wishes your way too. R.I.P. your best friend.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    To a brother in arms and a fallen soldier Semper Fi from a vet in the US..
  10. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF Al,

    Well, I think we all come to this point by different roads but pretty much all for the same basic reason: we don't want and ain't ready to check out yet, we just got no clue how to keep on going. If you decide to stick around, I think you'll find our community supportive and understanding. What you're going will pass. Its just a very hard climb and you got to grab any hold you can on your way up. Hope you'll soon feel better. Again, welcome :) .
  11. Alstare1974

    Alstare1974 New Member

    Went to MIND today, they recommended some things I am going to try. This includes going to a night class in art or something similar and reflexology.

    Still feeling a bit surreal. Don't know if I ever want to go back to my job, certainly can't see me working for a good few months. :-(.
  12. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Way to go bro.

    Reflexology is cool - if anyone has never actually met someone who is good at that - it is amazing stuff.

    And art is as powerful a weapon as any - I mean - it can change things - make people think - or just be nice. Not sure what you'll do there- just follow your heart - and the art will surface.

    Could be dark - could be a colourful cheerful thing. Just go with it.

    Best thing is - you will get on great with classmates - its always cool to have a vet in the class - I mean a guy who is likely going to be a good asset - a good friend and of course - you got brains and ought to use them

    Hope you make a few buddies - who knows - maybe marry the art teacher or something.

    First things first though!

    Good luck.
  13. Alstare1974

    Alstare1974 New Member

    Just been crying my eyes out on my poor old mum for an hour. Feel so scared of the future and how messed up everything is. Everything feels so bleak and dark and when I'm like this o just feel the world would be much better with me not in it. That inevitably leads to her telling me that they couldn't cope if I did anything and it would kill them and then I feel like my emotions are ripping me in two with both sides of the argument. Am sure if I wasn't living with my folks right now I'd definitely be gone.

    Sorry had to get that out and am crying as I write.
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am glad your folks love you so much and i do know that fight to stay to go but for you parents hun if have to stay just as i have to stay for my family
    i hope you can get the right medicaiton to help decrease that sadness hun hugs
  15. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I read your post and I am glad that you found this site. I am sorry about the loss of your best friend. I am also sorry that you lost your wife and home. Your story is reapeated over and over again in this country (US). Know that I am thinking about as are so many others on this site. Keep the faith, don't give up. You will make it. If I can anyone can. (grin)

    The best to you and yours,
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