hating myself for being alive

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#1
this is the first time I'm posting something. it's not my life story, its the biggest reason I don't want to be alive now. I have also other reasons but for 5 months me being in this country has made me hate living more. english isn't my first or second language so I'm not that good at it, I'm sorry for any mistakes that I might make.
I'm 19 as my profile says and I'm female. I live in a country that I hate. it wasn't my choice and my family weren't futuristic enough to leave here sooner... things are really bad now and all I can think about is to leave here as soon as I can but there are financial problems... our currency is so weak that its not possible... and all I think is that I don't want to stay here and I rather end myself... I had a few more serious attempts but they didn't work as I am here now. I prayed so maybe sth will happen and I can die by accident. but it seems God won't listen to that request. even earthquake that is possible here can't end me. I don't think any natural accident can do that either.... so now I'm stuck here but there's always an option... suicide. I guess I'm waiting to see what will happen and is it really impossible to leave this country.
my family doesn't understand why I want to leave so soon... they can't see things the way I do... I'm not exaggerating, I'm just not a fool or unrealistic or blind... the situation here affects me in ways I can't explain. I can say that it's killing me inside and I cannot tolerate it. I'm scared to explain more. not in a free country. I'm not even thinking for so good countries because they really are expensive for us. I'm thinking about a free country that will cost 400-500 $ a month! so its not like i expect so much. i just want to save myself from dying inside. its not my country or home. we have been here generations but that's it. whoever could, ran... and the ones that stayed, they couldnt leave due to age, money and other reasons. i dont know what will happen to me... but you'll know i guess. sorry for talking too much
 

VioletDawn

SF Supporter
#2
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Feeling trapped is an awful feeling. I hope you find some way to either relocate or find the strength or peace to manage to stay. I'm in a free country but I have no desire to be here anymore. I understand the need to leave any way possible. (((Hugs)))
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#3
Hi. Sorry you're feeling so bad. Leaving the country is possible if that's what you really want to do. But you'll never get the opportunity if you're not around to see it
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#4
Thanks Violet for understanding. Indeed its a bad feeling... Feeling you cant do anything about it and there's no way out... Freedom is a simple word with so much power... Not having freedom and being afraid and cautious causes pain...
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#5
Leaving is the only hope i have for myself and i hope that happens so life can be a little more bearable... Thanks walker
 

Human Ex Machinae

Void Where Prohibited
#6
If leaving isn't possible in the near future, you could join groups and organizations in the country who are trying to make things better there. That might seem far fetched when you first think about it, but compared to suicide, it makes a hell of a lot more sense.
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#7
Human i didn't mention what country i live in, but lets say they people in charge dont want it to get better! You might think that's not true and what rulers wouldn't want that, but it is true. People have unbelievable tolerance against any pain and suffering. You know, when the money of a country doesn't go for its people, it goes for something else and the rullers. but i want to help the country that is home for me but im not living there for now. The country where we were supposed to be... I hope i can do that in future :)
 

Onion_soup

Well-Known Member
#9
I am sorry to hear that. I can understand your struggle and your dissatisfaction with that country you are in right now, it’s really appalling and unfair that places like this exist. It’s not your fault that you are there, and I hope you’ll find a way to escape that feeling of being trapped.
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
Sorry for the way you are feeling. You don't ever have to apologise here for talking too much, no such thing here, talk as much as you need to and open up as often as you feel you need peer support. You are in a country you don't like, have you or would you apply for a visa somewhere else if possible. Your English is great too considering its not your first or even second language, well done for opening up here, glad you joined and posted. Are you feeling any better today?
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#11
I am sorry to hear that. I can understand your struggle and your dissatisfaction with that country you are in right now, it’s really appalling and unfair that places like this exist. It’s not your fault that you are there, and I hope you’ll find a way to escape that feeling of being trapped.
Well it is what it is... I can't do anything but to escape... And its not really posaposs now... I dont lmow what to do. I wish i cocou do something but well in the end it all comes back to money. Money is my biggest problem... Thank you for understanding
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#12
Sorry for the way you are feeling. You don't ever have to apologise here for talking too much, no such thing here, talk as much as you need to and open up as often as you feel you need peer support. You are in a country you don't like, have you or would you apply for a visa somewhere else if possible. Your English is great too considering its not your first or even second language, well done for opening up here, glad you joined and posted. Are you feeling any better today?
Thank you petal. Im trying but getting visa and changing countries need money... Things are so expensive here and they will get worser. I don't know what to do. Im dying here slowly. I don't want to pressure my parents but as much as i stay here, i loose myself more.i have tried to look for scholarships, it seems its possible, I'm armenian descendent so i found scholarships for that, i don't know much about it, only that it is possible. I have slightly hope on that, and i Know my grades should be good... Well i guess i can hope for that, I'm kinda good at being top student... Thanks petal. Im feeling a little better
 

bobbob

SF Supporter
#13
Hi unlucky
Just wanted to say Im sorry you are feeling bad atm. I really think that you have one heck of a lot to offer the world with your art and also who u are as a person; and that in time you might find that the world has a lot to offer u. I for one will want to go to your exhibition one day when it travels to London.
so please tc and hang on.
:) R
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#14
Hi again, I am glad that talking to us has helped you feel a bit better. Do you have any friends? Can you open up to them?

I'm not sure what to suggest considering I know nothing about how things work where you live but I think you should live your day like its your last - not in suicidal way.

I truly hope you are feeling even better today and have more faith in getting better. We are here for you.
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#15
hi and thanks bob. i think that passion and love and creativity are important and i have lost a lot of them. being afraid, kills a person. in every major you cant be afraid cause that will stop you of doing anything. right now im also so much anxious . i dont think i can do anything anymore. i always doubted myself in art and im doubting myself more now, but thank you for seeing me the way i dont see myself. i dont think world can offer me anything since i think im nothing but well its not like im closing the doors...wngland has the top art unis in world! not sure theyll let me there but oh well. we will see what will happen.

im checking everyday to see how currencys are and they go up ... let me say it with dollar so it may be more understandable. so going up every hour, its like you wanna buy euro and i think one euro is 1.16 dollars, and imagine that every hour it goes up by ten cents. or even one dollar! thats what happening here. and it just messes up my mind. i am constantly anxious every day and also so depressed...
in this country theres no justice and the people in charge can do whatever they want... im afraid that one day they will just take me for no reason! they do that always. i wonder how do they sleep at night?! a normal person wouldnt be able to be like this. so obviously they arent human.
 

unlucky me

Well-Known Member
#16
hi petal, i have friends but they dont understand. i mean friends who are here in the same place as me. the people who were smart, they ran away . i have a friend whom i can open up but isnt in this country, and yes i talk to him but that doesnt change anything .at the end im stuck here...
i think i can give you a picture how it is here... but im afraid. its not free country here... just know that whoever can, runs and others are stuck in this misery... people in charge send their children to other countries! and thats messed up! so we the normal people, my family who were afraid they wont fit in other country, they stayed here and smart people who said we can do this, they ran... its not even in war! but huge amount of people here ran to other countries who are responsible for this!
if it was my last day here, then i would be happy because i wouldnt have to tolerate all this... every morning i dontt want to get up, not because im lethargic, because whats the point? why should i wake up in a place like this? and being in this country isnt just the only reason but the biggest one for now.
im sorry im just letting out my feelings. its my problems and its my fault. i didnt knew i could change countries sooner... like one or two years ago... not like im sure my parents would agree but i shouldve search about this while things werent this bad and currencies werent this expensive...
thank you all for replying
( i dont put ' usually but i know i should, sorry )
 

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