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hating myself quite a bit

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LittleLostLamb, Jun 8, 2010.

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  1. I don't know if this is a crisis. I am up, ffs, ready to go out. It has taken me 6 hours to get ready. This is how slowly I seem to move right now.

    Erm, well, I hurled myself in front of a bunch of cars the other day. Poor drivers. They all saw me coming and drove round me.

    Then I went and slept with someone who wasn't my partner (there is no affection there, at the current time. He is in a mess himself, made worse by me and my crash). Anyway, I slept with this guy (an Ex) and asked him to hurt me. He did quite a good job. I have quite a bruised up face. I don't think he really meant to do that. Not to that degree.

    I suppose the pain is a welcome distraction from the b/shit that has become my life. Now the doctors want to see me. I can't go in with a smashed up face. I feel like I can't really go out today. But I am, to see my ex. Totally upside down, but he is the only thing that has made me smile, really smile, in a good while.

    My problems are wrecking my head. Lots of messed up people around me. I'm overcoming a historic serious drug problem, which should be behind me as it was a long time ago now. But the physical scars mean it is not.

    I also suffer from a personal and painful condition. That has changed the way I see myself as a women. And I obsess over this every second of the day, or thereabouts.

    I feel like I am loosing it. I can't see anyway back up really. I have access to the medication to knock me out really quite quickly and painlessley, I believe. I didn't have the guts though, the other day, when I saw it all there, a new lot. It's a recurrent thought though.

    The one thing stopping me is my boy. Little boy. I read another mums post, all about how she felt that her child might have a better life without her in it. This, I can relate to. However, part of me thinks his life might be worse. So I guess I need to fix up for him and avoid doing anything impulsive in the meantime. The fact that he is about means I have to be careful what I say to Doctor's etc, as I do not want there to be any threats re his custody or anything. So, I obviously care about some stuff.

    Anyway, thanks for listening. Inapt smilie: :reub:
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Hang in there for you son, you can do this :hug:
  3. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    im here if you wanna talk more

    just keep fighting for your child
  4. :moonwalk:

    Yeah, I am going to hold on I think.

    I'm on a big anti depressant switch, which has made me fliiiiiip out. I just need to keep myself busy and stop myself doing anything too crazy.

    I want to be here for my boy. But at the moment, I think I am confusing him. So, now I need to hold it together for him. He is my main bit of happiness really. Or, he is the one that can make me happy, if I allow myself to get close to him. I know this may sound odd, but I have a bit of a fear of failing him. So, on occasion, i just failing him anyway. Dont get me wrong, we are close. Cuddles and talk every day etc. But sometimes I switch off. Not just from him, from the world around me. I zone out and find genuine interaction hard. With everyone.

    I sometimes feel my relationship with his father is over. Other than being parents together. There is nothing else, anyhow. And this, no doubt does not make me happy. But I am scared in case I am rubbish coping alone and let my son down.

    And I am scared to take away his father, who gives him quite a strong sense of security.

    I don't know whats right anymore.
  5. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    dont worry about falling for your son, parents commonly love their children, its not the case in every situation, but loving your child will only help his life

    my parents actually love me, and because of that, i am not afraid to take bigger risks and go for what i want because i know my parents are there to support me and love me if things go wrong (im 20 almost 21 btw)
  6. I do love him by the way!! Lots and lots. I am not scared of falling for him. Just scared of failing him. Letting him down by not being good enough.
  7. Yes, maybe I am being a bit selfish through it all. I find it hard to feel happy in the family environment. But maybe this is more to do with the relationship with my little boys dad. He is trying to recover from drug taking. Mainly doing ok, but every time he doesn't, it probably f*cks wit my head more than I give credit for.

    It makes me more sad that I overcame my drug problems ages ago and that I still have to live surrounded by it.

    So I want to escape from it. Really I need to take action to relinquish control, as I feel like that is a thing of the past.

    Maybe the relationship needs to end, if I am to be truely happy. My partner, is an unsociable person. When I am around him, I feel cut off. He likes us all to remain cut off. It's all a bit of a co-dependant set up.

    When we have split in the past, he has stepped his game up and does well for months at a time. You see, really, in my heart of hearts, I love him. But, I also know that he is no good for me.

    I just find the thought of having the strength to go it alone v.difficult. If I was a good sleeper etc and not frequently dragging myself around, it would probably be ok.

    I'm also scared of leaving him, in case it later feels like a mistake. I can't do that to my child. Or myself, or him, for that matter.

    He blatantly knows that I saw my ex y.day and the other day. So I shouldn't really expect the relationship to work. But, I have tried in the past, to no avail.

    He said to me this morning that he has no real reason for staying here in the house with me, other than the practicalities of taking our son to school in the morning. Grrrrrrreat. I need out really. But am too frightened.

    This roundabout is making me feel dizzy.
  8. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    Hey there, LittleLostLamb

    I was reading your story and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have a daughter and I feel like I may fail her and I question everything I do. I detatch from her and the world around me as well but I do love her to pieces and I am definitely getting that from your posts about your son as well.

    I think it's great that you have sought out a place to vent here and that you have shared some of what is going on. Switching meds can definitely makes things go wonky at first, have done it myself a bunch of times. I am glad you are holding on and keeping up some hope. You sound like a fighter. That is really awesome that you are overcoming the drug problem! Congrats. :)

    As a survivor of my mom's suicide I am so conflicted in my head about living or not. I am not with my daughter's father either and he has given me much cause to want to have her not see him but she loves him so much, I just don't know what to do either.

    I am sorry that may not have been all that much help really but if you'd like to PM me, I would really like to chat and maybe we can you know, toss ideas at eachother, support eachother, or just plain vent.
  9. Hey Infinite!!

    Many Thanks for your reply, which has really touched me quite a lot. It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only mother like this. What you say about loving your daughter to pieces, yet sometimes still detaching from her and the world around, really sums it up for me. THIS.

    Also what you say about your daughters father and the sense of attachment she has with him, making your decisions (re what is best for all concerned) to be very difficult.

    Thank you for the offer of chatting via PM. It is nice to talk to another mother, with these feelings. I don't spend time with other mothers etc, which adds to the feeling of isolation. I will most likely holla via PM! thanks again.

    And thanks for the congrats re me coming off drugs. Sometimes I forget what a big achievement that was. And should be grateful I am not, personally, living that hell anymore. Though, god, prescription drugs have their own pitfalls. Would it not be nice to have a mind that just worked properly? Did its own thing, naturally! Jesus.

    I can not imagine how it feels to lose a parent (maybe I should try and do so a lot more, for my sons sake. It's hard to comprehend when you feel so low. When you feel this way, you are essentially selfish (or you act it, anyway). Which is rubbish and in most cases, goes against who you really are). Really, I know its all an illness/disease, but it doesn't stop you feeling guilty for having it.

    Ahh, the merry go round of my head.

    Thanks again for your response :superman:
  10. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    hi LLL, i just wanted to say, reading this really touched me. i hope you're ok <3

    what you wrote on my thread made me feel 10x better so thankyou.

    congrats on kicking the drugs. and i'd just like to say i totally understand about you wanting your ex to hurt you. i used to provoke my already abusive ex whenever i was having a bad day, like i wanted to be punished or something. somehow afterwards the pain made me feel calmer. still does now (my partner would be horrified if i asked him to hurt me, but i do self harm from time to time)

    take care hun <3
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