Hating not being loved

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Trip, Jul 31, 2007.

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  1. Trip

    Trip Member

    I had a pretty bad childhood probably compunded by the fact that I'm an aspie. My first suicide attempt was at 8 years old and then i probably had 3-5 a year until I was 17 when I began "passively attempting suicide." It wasn't my goal then to die but I can't deny I was starving myself to death as a result of what was going on around me - I went from 130 pounds (my healthy weight) to about under 90 and my family didn't even notice anything was going on

    Well amnyone I finally did manage to jump through every obstace my parents deliberately set in my path and get a job that enabled me to pay my way through college. As a result of being used for sex I pretty much ran the other direction whenever someone made any attempt at becoming my friend my freshman year. However, that lessened with time, and while I didn't make ay friendships thorughout my first 4 1/2 years of college, I made acquaintances.

    Last year I met a man a few years younger than me who identifieds as androgynous. That brought out my own androgyny - something I had been hiding because its not "socially acceptable." Our friendship soon evolved into a relationship, and for a time I was quite happy. He got me to cut back on working (3 jobs, 4 employers) and to enjoy life, "hang out." for the first time, I got to experience what they say college life is like.

    But a few months ago my happiness just seemed to go away. I can't identify a specific event that would have caused that especially since a couple people who were on the same website I frequent, but weren't my friends, sent me messages asking if I was okay before I noticed anything was wrong. Then something happened and on that site I was accused of sharing private messages from someone who had never once sent me a private message. Since I've had about 4 people pour their souls out to me in lengthy pms dozens (in one case probably over 100 times) I found this way to serious to ignore. So i posted saying I hadn't done that, and I didn't mind if the admin posted my pm history to show that I couldn't hae done that. My post was deleted in less than 3 minutes, though the post saying I had shared pms was left up, and I quickly learned there was no intention of deleting that one. 0 Two months later and I still haven't been told what it was about my psot that warranted deletion, though I've asked numerous times, and publically to. So I kind of exploded, and posted the same thing in every forum. In the ensuing ensnare of things I'm not really welcome there anymore though I haven't been banned since they took my past history as a member into account. Without that site I feel completely lost. It comprised a large part of my life, and I was actively promoting it - traveling to give speeches, etc. It also hurt that none of my "best friends" on the site seemed to notice when I stopped posting there, even though I had been posting there several times throughout every day.

    To make matters worse I stayed at my boyfriends parents house for a week this summer. They were the entire essence of a loving, caring family - I didn't think families like that actually existed, though if I ever children I would want to be like that. I couldn't sleep the first night because of how that brought back memories of my childhood. My bf told his mom how I was having trouble sleeping and she let us sleep together, which enabled me to go to sleep. Once I realized that I was making plans to sleep on the couch in the living room at night rather than on the bed, I realized that part of the problem was that they had given me a bedroom in the basement - right when my childhood got bad is when my parents moved my bedroom to the basement, giving my old bedroom to my little brother.

    This stuff all happened late may/early june. I've only had a few good days in that time period. Its 8 weeks into the ten week semester and this past friday is the first i've been able to get myself to do any of my schoolwork at all - I'm in graduate school so there's no option to retake classes. If I don't get my work done I'm out of the program. I'm lucky in that the work isn't that hard - I took 6 weeks worth of quizzes in three days, but I've no motivation to take the rest, take the final exam, or write out my 5 page project plan.

    Today my bf's dad called me because he's considered about bf just sort of moping around and not doing his work (while some of that is probably knowing about me, he does have his own issues). One of the things i mentioned is how he wants his dad to be okay with him wearing skirts in public (not something that will ever happen). His dad responded with "why did you waste my time with that conversation then" - previously i had a lengthy conversation where i got his dad to agree to him wearing skirts around the house. This hurt because I doubt he'd ever say his sons wasted his time with a conversation. And ever since the psychologist I saw pointed out that he was calling me to see if I was alright because I'm important to his son, I've been painfully aware that I'm never going to receive unconditional love. You either get that from your family growing up, or you never get it at all. Even if I get married it won't be unconditional love because people get divorced if there differences become to numerous. Without unconditional love I must admit I don't see the point in living.

    I did come close to a suicide attempt the other day. I had been at the drivein but couldn't enjoy the movies (HP and 1408). I wanted to drive somewhere there was a high bridge and jsut look over it and think (not jump) but I couldn't think of anywhere I could do that without being arrested, so I drove him. On the way there it occured to me that if I sped up going down the steep hill, I'd crash into the guard rail and/or go over the cliff. So I sped up. Then I obviously slowed back down, but I was indecisive moving my foot back and forth between gas and brake, trying to decide which one I wanted. I decided on brake, but only because a car turned up the hill and I didn't want to crash into them (its unusual for their to be other cars on this road in the daytime, let alone at 1:30 in the am.)

    I haven't made any near attempts since then though its on my mind with "I could do this." or "do you think this bridge is high enough?" I've been telling people but I'm quite certain its not because I want to be talked out of it but rather I want them to say "why don't you go ahead and do it then" so I have some "encouragement."

    I used to be able to stop suicide thoughts by just looking at my cat and thinking "what will happen to him?" Then that progressed to making plans to leave him at someone's house who I know will care for him as I go on a "trip" and then killing myself. Now I don't even factor either of those options in. I love him, I just don't seem to care. I have a roommate who will feed/water him, but I know he can't care for him over long periods of time because of health problems.

    In short there seems to be nothing holding me back now other than an intense fear of heights/being stopped and arested, and just "people don't do that." I'm not afraid of death as I've had a few near death experiences, due to natural reasons like epilepsy, and the most peaceful time of my life was after I traceled down the dark tunnel with the white light on the end- from what I've gathered that would have been when I was unconscious and not breathing.

    I've also had a lot experiences that should have injured me but didn't. I totalled a car once. I hit two fenceposts, a telephone and a tree - the tree kept me from going over a 30 foot drop. The car didn't have airbags and the dashboard was pushed inward 6 inches. The insurance company called and said they didn't believe there weren't any injuries, but it was true, I didn't even get a bruise from it.Sometimes I think I'm meant so suffer horribly for decades, other times I think I must be here for a reason

    (and please don't mention jesus here, without fail every vicious jerk in my life who abused me, mistreated me, etc was a "good, church going christian." Though I was an athiest for as long as I can remember is the church could never prove god existed. With one exception the people who have helped me in life have been nonchristians, usually Jewish or atheist. I'm not saying I think Jesus or all
    christians are evil but thats definately something I'd rather not have in my life, assuming I'm going to have a life)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2007
  2. Trip

    Trip Member

    I'm a better today, though I can't say how I'll be tomorrow.

    Today i took myself to the zoo to just "enjoy" the day rather than just staying home and sleeping the day away as I had planned. It was a bit fun though kind of boring, as aside from the fish most animals were just laying down, or almost out of view as I went near feeding time. I think I'll be able to do my schoolwork tomorrow
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    glad you got to go to the zoo..

    thats another thing i have never did was visit a zoo..
  4. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    It made me cry uncontrollably for several moments when you mentioned your cat and leaving him alone. Now I'm kind of laughing. Seems silly, I suppose, but it's not. Unfortunately, I have a sister and two cats that would be left alone. I just treasure everything. Even the two little spiders outside my door (one that I just accidentally walked into his web today, now he's scared), that if I didn't feed them from time to time, might wither and starve... and die... as I...

    I'm sorry...

    Stay strong... :romance:

    ... still no romance smiley!
  5. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    I saw a zoo once...

    Saved... from us. To be prisoners... of us. Wonderful.
  6. Trip

    Trip Member

    That site I mentioned - i just found out they banned me yesterday. Siad I was repeatedly harassing a member.

    That of course is a very good reason to ban someone, BUT i haven't so much as signed into my account in the past 3 weeks so how could I have possibly been harassing someone?
  7. Carfax

    Carfax Member

    1337 HaX? :blink:
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You've come through alot...more than most people. It shows courage and strength. You seem soo lost, but by chattting on here, you should be able to find a sense of belonging.
  9. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Just go to a different website. Or maybe start a new account there?
  10. Trip

    Trip Member

    Its not that easy to just go to another site. This one was for a very specialized interest, and when it comes to english speaking ones, there is only one alternative I know of - and its populated mainly be the same people in charge of the first.

    I've recently learned that they are now telling people they banned me because I was sharing pm information in the original post that was deleted. Which is quite interesting because the only pm information that could be found in that post was where I had said someone had never once sent me a pm, and any admin had permission to check my pm history to see that. They never saw anything wrong with all the posts by that person I was referring to saying that I had been sharing pms from her.
  11. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    What website is that trip?
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