I hate down to the tips of my fingers. I am not talking about the “ o, I hate humanity, and the living” no I mean I specifically hate people anywhere and everywhere I go. I love to hurt and harass others; it feels so good, it’s better than any high I’d ever felt. I love it when tragedy strikes a person, I laugh, and feel all good inside. I like seeing others get theirs. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I almost love no one and feel very little towards others, I am quiet when around people only because I don’t know of how normal people are suppose to act, it’s very hard and draining for me to pretend to care about someone, or to pretend that I care about what someone else is saying, that’s why most of the time I just stay quiet. I only love my mother, if it weren’t for her I would have committed suicide a long time ago; her and my sister are the only people that I actually feel something for. With anyone else I feel absolutely nothing for them, even for people that do good onto me and who are nice and friendly to me, I feel nothing for but it’s neutral with them, I don’t hate them or feel any ill will for them. My mother is basically the only connection to humanity I feel I have left. For everything else I think I am a sociopath. These behaviors come out especially when I am drunk, because than all my ambitions are low and my craziness comes out, my true self comes out. If I could, I’d <edit moderator total eclipse triggering> I think about it all the time. But I don’t want to be in trouble with the law (or with anyone else). If I know I could get away with something, guaranteed, I would be all over the place, getting people at random, for fun. I can’t be around people for too long, it agitates me, makes me hate them, makes me think of doing fucked up things regarding them. That’s why I mostly stay quiet, I have nothing else to say or express to people. I loathe people; I have tremendous animosity towards people, a complete lack of respect for others, especially for young people or people around my age. I feel like doing away with people’s bodies just like I would do luggage, fantasize about< edit moderator total eclipse triggering>. I love seeing the look on people’s faces when I insult them, shock them lol say psychotic things to them, say whatever the fuck I feel like saying to them, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they run away, the next day I don’t feel one ounce of remorse. I know it wouldn’t matter to me if the pain I inflicted onto others was physical or psychological, I would still feel the same way. Of course that decision can make all the difference in whether or not I am free or locked in a cell. But I was never a violent person to being with, aggressive yes, but not physically violent, I liked “beating people up” psychology because it lasts longer and in my opinion, it hurts more. This was after all, how I was beatin up and traumatized; psychologically. This isn’t a case where I am just doing to other people what was done to me, no, I believe I am evil by nature, that I am of the 1% of the sociopaths that are mingled in with everyone in this world. The ways of pain and suffering was indirectly taught to me as I was the victim at one time and I know how bad and helpless trauma can make someone, so that is my weapon of choice. I feel different, I don’t feel human, I eat, sleep, and shit just like anyone else, but inside me is nothing, no feelings, the person in front of me doesn’t exit, gone in a split second. I could sit here and look at you, look you straight in the eye and feel nothing, nothing good, nothing bad, no emotions, absolutely nothing, I actually do a lot of staring at people, but it’s not just because of hate, but because of curiosity, to see what I’ll never be, to see them feel how I’ll never feel, observing them like a alien doing an autopsy on an earthling. Which is one of the reasons why I hate humans so much, because I am not one, because I am so different, because I feel different, because I am treated with disgust, with rejection, humiliation on to me, because I can’t love like you love, because I am not loved like you are, because being different has gotten the better of me, because conformists make up the majority of the population. I used to get depressed and suicidal, but the medications have taken care of the depression, now I am feeling like my true self? The way it was always suppose to be? I still feel anger and hatred but I don’t think the anti depressant is suppose to take every feeling away, it just gets your sadness, melancholy and such. There is no cure for anti social behavior (sociopathology), if that’s indeed what I have. I don’t think about suicide anymore, I ask myself, why me? Let humans win? Fuck that shit, fuck you, you die; is my attitude. I don’t know if there is any way to get proper help for this. There is no answer when it comes to certain peculiar things in life. Can anyone else relate to how I feel?