Hatred, anyone?

[Cortez]

I hate down to the tips of my fingers. I am not talking about the “ o, I hate humanity, and the living” no I mean I specifically hate people anywhere and everywhere I go. I love to hurt and harass others; it feels so good, it’s better than any high I’d ever felt. I love it when tragedy strikes a person, I laugh, and feel all good inside. I like seeing others get theirs. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I almost love no one and feel very little towards others, I am quiet when around people only because I don’t know of how normal people are suppose to act, it’s very hard and draining for me to pretend to care about someone, or to pretend that I care about what someone else is saying, that’s why most of the time I just stay quiet. I only love my mother, if it weren’t for her I would have committed suicide a long time ago; her and my sister are the only people that I actually feel something for. With anyone else I feel absolutely nothing for them, even for people that do good onto me and who are nice and friendly to me, I feel nothing for but it’s neutral with them, I don’t hate them or feel any ill will for them. My mother is basically the only connection to humanity I feel I have left. For everything else I think I am a sociopath. These behaviors come out especially when I am drunk, because than all my ambitions are low and my craziness comes out, my true self comes out. If I could, I’d <edit moderator total eclipse triggering> I think about it all the time. But I don’t want to be in trouble with the law (or with anyone else). If I know I could get away with something, guaranteed, I would be all over the place, getting people at random, for fun. I can’t be around people for too long, it agitates me, makes me hate them, makes me think of doing fucked up things regarding them. That’s why I mostly stay quiet, I have nothing else to say or express to people. I loathe people; I have tremendous animosity towards people, a complete lack of respect for others, especially for young people or people around my age. I feel like doing away with people’s bodies just like I would do luggage, fantasize about< edit moderator total eclipse triggering>. I love seeing the look on people’s faces when I insult them, shock them lol say psychotic things to them, say whatever the fuck I feel like saying to them, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they run away, the next day I don’t feel one ounce of remorse. I know it wouldn’t matter to me if the pain I inflicted onto others was physical or psychological, I would still feel the same way. Of course that decision can make all the difference in whether or not I am free or locked in a cell. But I was never a violent person to being with, aggressive yes, but not physically violent, I liked “beating people up” psychology because it lasts longer and in my opinion, it hurts more. This was after all, how I was beatin up and traumatized; psychologically. This isn’t a case where I am just doing to other people what was done to me, no, I believe I am evil by nature, that I am of the 1% of the sociopaths that are mingled in with everyone in this world. The ways of pain and suffering was indirectly taught to me as I was the victim at one time and I know how bad and helpless trauma can make someone, so that is my weapon of choice.

I feel different, I don’t feel human, I eat, sleep, and shit just like anyone else, but inside me is nothing, no feelings, the person in front of me doesn’t exit, gone in a split second. I could sit here and look at you, look you straight in the eye and feel nothing, nothing good, nothing bad, no emotions, absolutely nothing, I actually do a lot of staring at people, but it’s not just because of hate, but because of curiosity, to see what I’ll never be, to see them feel how I’ll never feel, observing them like a alien doing an autopsy on an earthling. Which is one of the reasons why I hate humans so much, because I am not one, because I am so different, because I feel different, because I am treated with disgust, with rejection, humiliation on to me, because I can’t love like you love, because I am not loved like you are, because being different has gotten the better of me, because conformists make up the majority of the population. I used to get depressed and suicidal, but the medications have taken care of the depression, now I am feeling like my true self? The way it was always suppose to be? I still feel anger and hatred but I don’t think the anti depressant is suppose to take every feeling away, it just gets your sadness, melancholy and such. There is no cure for anti social behavior (sociopathology), if that’s indeed what I have. I don’t think about suicide anymore, I ask myself, why me? Let humans win? Fuck that shit, fuck you, you die; is my attitude.

I don’t know if there is any way to get proper help for this. There is no answer when it comes to certain peculiar things in life.

Can anyone else relate to how I feel?

 

[dazzle11215]

i can't say i've ever felt like you described.
what does your therapist say?
have you tried to change this behaviour?

 

[Cortez]

i can't say i've ever felt like you described.
what does your therapist say?
have you tried to change this behaviour?

My therapist is very passive, he sucks at what he does. I can't change therapists because I am getting free service from them, since I qualified. I don't even know what is is that I have, let alone changing it. How are you suppose to change something along the lines of sociopathic thinking?

 

[dazzle11215]

urghhhh i hate settling for substandard service. i had a "free" therapist too and he sucked. now i pay.

sounds like you need specialized treatment. tbh i don't know much about how to treat this, but it must be possible. but i think you need someone who specializes and you'll probably have to pay.

but it would be worth it in the end.

 

[Cortez]

I guess no one else feels hatred...

 

[LightInTheDarkestNight]

Actually it's 3% of all men are sociopaths and 1% of women however this to me is conservative. Maybe not enough to be a true sociopath but still... In some form or another all of us lack empathy and are only concerned about our self involved interests. Just think about all of the African's starving who or orphaned, they have HIV and are responsible for looking after their siblings. While we on the other hand are concerned about stuff like "do these pants make my ass look fat", or I need to get my nail's done so they look pretty.

I remember watching a show on this one story where this guy was dead or severely injured after being in a hit in run and no one called 911 for an ambulance everyone was too concerned and involved in their own lives to bother calling or even notice.

They had an experiment like that on this show called, What would you do on ABC. They had an actor to dress up as a bum and act unconscious and in duress on the sidewalk and most people just walked by and showed no concern whatsoever. There was only this one lady who had some issues herself I forget exactly who went to check on him if he was okay. On the other hand when it was a female actor on the street in danger there were more people concerned enough to check if she was okay.

Not to be rude at all but it sounds to me like you may be a psychopath. I could be wrong you may just be very aggressive and non empathetic due to being a victim yourself. I apologize if I come off as giving you a label. It seems like you can control yourself from getting real physical hurting others which is a good thing. Only sociopaths or psychopaths get pleasure out of others pain, or are proud of causing others harm.

In many cases you may not be a sociopath at heart but you can easily become one by assimilation for example if you get in involved with gangs. You may witness things or have to do some things you don't agree with and that could actually lead to PTSD.

Also look at all of the violence on TV and in movies it teaches us that you can solve problems by violent means. Even all of the messages that the gangster rap music sends, their is a lot of hatred and violence in those lyrics, it glorifies being violence and being cruel.

Obviously their are different levels of getting enjoyment out of another's pain, like I remember schooling my one Ex-Friend in madden football and he would get frustrated and I would almost find it funny and I would have to contain myself. That's about as far as I've gone about getting pleasure from another's pain. Most people don't get enjoyment out of other's suffering especially if it is severe enough or lead's to serious issues and you know how it has effected them.

However many people find a certain act funny sort of like on america's funniest home video's as an example, stepping on a rake and hitting yourself in the nuts.

If you can be smart enough to put yourself in someone else's shoes through theory or mind or any means possible and your or others actions lead to serious or prolonged suffering you have real problems, if you still get enjoyment or find it funny.

I suspect deep down inside you hate yourself for being different and feeling disconnected from the world. Not being able to enjoy life like most people your age. It's called projection, when you dislike yourself you dislike others, by projecting those traits onto them.

I think most people have a bit of hate in them once in a while. Obviously their are varying degrees from someone who hates their sports rival and doesn't want to see them win the championship so their rival can gloat to a Neo Nazi racists.

Another example is the kids that were bullied at Columbine high school. They obviously had a few loose screws to do what they did almost surely psychopaths. However had they not been bullied and abused mercilessly they may have grown up to be normal functioning people. Victim's either internalize with sadness, depression, self-blame or they go the other way and externalize and developed aggression and hatred for the world, often times it's a combination of the two.

Another example is Charles Manson supposedly he had an IQ of 110-120 as a young teen however he was illiterate. He had been brutalized and raped as well as some other debilitating social experiences. Such as his mother abandoning him permanently before on multiple occasions she sold him to random strangers for the weekend, etc. It makes you wonder what he could have been had he not had an abusive mother and had not had those debilitating experiences.

You should try to follow the golden rule or the silver rule. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated. or the silver rule don't treated others in a way you wouldn't like to be treated. A key element of this is to not only treat members of your in-group in this way.

Try to think of how it made you feel when you got beat up like that. Why would you want others to feel that way especially innocent people?

For example a few year's ago I was leaving a local event at the train station this aboriginal guy was drunk and being a bit lippy, slightly picking a fight. He was talking about getting other aboriginal guys as backup there were lots around at that event however he was all alone. I told this guy I was with just to ignore him as he was wasted or something along those lines. Well we got on the train and a few other of these guys I was with friends got on the train at the next stop. Well a couple stops later they stomped this guy in the middle of the train I remember seeing him roll out on to the platform with his mouth all bloody. One guy said he tried to pull a knife on them. I didn't touch the guy at all, and I wasn't really paying attention he may or may not have pulled a knife and if he did it was because they were getting in his face.

Later I remember thinking at that point i had never really been beat up or stomped so I didn't have that anger in me to do that. It could also be that I'm empathetic and compassionate person despite some mistakes I have made.

Basically you need to be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes to do this properly. People aren't born with this ability, it can often take years to develop.

 

[Cortez]

I don't know if I am a sociopath or not, sometimes I feel like one, but I don't know how much damage you have to do to others or how minimal remorse you have to feel; I am just expressing how I feel and why I do the things I do.

Do I hate myself? Sure. But I also hate other people, even more than I hate myself. I know what projection is, but it's not about what I have or don't have, I don't wish I had what others had, I just know I don't have it, something like friends, or love, or significant others, but that is not why I hate others, it does however make me think a lot about how it is to be normal, but I'm not asking to be normal, to me being like your average person is stupid and I do not want to conform or follow anything others do. It's more of contempt that I feel, not jealousy.

Just like your signature states, a lot of times I feel like I am passing down what I know and am familiar with (hate) onto other people, I want people to feel what I felt, it's the only way I can communicate with people because it's all I know, and it feels really good.

 

[LightInTheDarkestNight]

There isn't a set threshold of damage one has to do per say to be classified as a sociopath. Basically though if your treating others in a way that you would not like to be treated and it's harmful psychological, physically or sexually then you do have the core traits of a sociopath. More so if you have intent to harm(malice) and especially more if your premeditated.

For example your intent may not be to harm someone but if you lack empathy, are callous enough, don't think things through(are impulsive) your actions could easily be very hurtful. For example I had cheated on my GF when I was 17 I told her about it she told me it turned her on and I mentioned a video and I showed it to her the next day. Consciously I'm quite certain I wasn't trying to harm her or get pleasure out of her pain, however subconsciously I clearly lacked empathy and was quite callous to do that. Not being able to put myself in her shoes. I had been controlling due to my own insecurity and she had other issues and the results were devastating. One could say I was naive in a cruel way and just not very smart about doing that, like duhhh.... what would I think would happen showing her that video of me having sex with someone else who I had no feelings for. The video with that other girl was spontaneous one night out with my one ex friend when we had a few drinks.

Theory of mind can take years to develop it's the process sense of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. At the end of the day you can't look into anyone else's mind you only know things from your own perspective point of view and your how experiences with how others have treated you.

Thankfully I'm not that person anymore.

That's good your honest with yourself, that means you aren't in denial. Like the 12 step problem the first step to changing is accepting you have a problem.

An example of psychological projection is if you're cheating on your GF and then you accuse her of cheating. You're projecting your own infidelity onto your significant other. Projection may not be the best descriptor however it somewhat relates.

It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.

Most certainly my signature makes sense. It's somewhat like the saying misery loves company. If your suffering greatly consciously or subconsciously you will want to pass it on to others so you make sure your not suffering alone.

What someone may see as revenge could also be seen as a coping or even a defense mechanism if in the right circumstances.

 

[Cortez]

Putting aside labels. I see hate and pain as the only way that I can communicate with others, because it's all I know, it's all I feel, it's all I have to offer. Anything else would be fake and dishonest.

 

[Cortez]

They say it only takes one person to change someones life, to save them, to help them. One person to stop someone from taking a<edit moderator total eclipse method > one person to stop someone from grabbing their <edit moderator total eclipse method> , going to a public place and <edit moderator total eclipse harming others>. All it takes is one person.

 

[dazzle11215]

let us be that person

 

[LightInTheDarkestNight]

They say it only takes one person to change someones life, to save them, to help them. One person to stop someone from <Mod Edit, WildCherry>. All it takes is one person.

You need to open your mind and see the light so to speak. By coming to the realization that you have much more to offer then hate and pain. If that's how you feel though I respect the honesty.

I agree one caring, loving, understanding and compassionate person can make a world of difference, and save you and others from a world of hurt. If you find a significant other who you share mutual respect, feelings, it can be a godsend. I could have used a hero like that in my life but oh well it didn't happen, that's life. At the same time you shouldn't have to rely on other people to decide your fate.

If you rely on someone else from preventing you from harming others or yourself in a literal sense that puts too much pressure on them, they feel tied down. A burden and a responsibility another person should not have to bear for another's actions.

Sometimes we do feel guilty for others actions like I saw on a intervention show one of the Columbine bullies had become a heroin addict. I think he had extreme guilt over being cruel to those boys and not stepping in to protect them and instead joining in on the bully train. He felt after the fact him not doing the right thing in a way led to all of those innocent people dying and that was on his conscience. They had made to such a horrendous decision on their own, but in a way I understand how he felt guilty and kind of responsible about not doing the right thing. That guy has to forgive himself he can't carry that burden hindsight is always 20/20. He didn't pick up a gun and shoot anyone.

Labels may not be the best thing. Labeling and judging seem to go hand in hand and really take away who we are as people. Once you label or judge someone it's easier to be cruel and not properly understand who they are.

With that said if people are labeling you and judging you it can be hard not to do the same. In a similar way when someone hates you, you in many cases can sense it just from how thy're looking at you and it makes it difficult at times to not hate them back.

Sociopaths often wear friendly faces when in reality they feel apathy(if not hatred towards you) and have no empathy or compassion. The garden variety is often hard to spot, until it's too late and the damage is done.