Haunted by missed opportunities and lost friendships

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SAVE_ME, Nov 13, 2010.

  1. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I can't sleep tonight because I keep sitting up in bed dwelling over thoughts of missed opportunities in my life. Times when I could've made something of myself but messed it up. It started with Art college a few years ago. I was there for 2 months before deciding to drop out because I couldn't hack it anymore, and then about 9 months later I applied for a place on a University course and attended classes fairly frequently but eventually I messed that up as well. Things were alright at first but I would find myself procrastinating all the time and putting work off until the last second. Some nights I would go without sleep until I had finished the assignment. Some mornings I would rush to get things done so that it would be ready to hand in later that day. In the end it all just caught up with me and I missed one assignment and never attended another lesson after that because I was ashamed of myself for failing. I just couldn't face it.

    Then about a year later, I decided I was going to buck up and change my attitude and repeat the first year of my university course. This time I moved into a room in the halls of residence. This was great for a while as I met some lovely people and for a while I thought things were going to be ok. I came out of my shell a bit and went out with them to pubs and clubs and stuff...but I messed up...again! This time was worse than the previous year. During my first year I had at least managed to hand in one or two assignments. During the resit year I handed in NOTHING whatsoever. I maybe attended two lectures out of the whole year and found myself just unable to go in after that. Couldn't face getting up in the morning so I just slept. Then near Christmas last year I got in touch with my tutor and decided to at least try and salvage something because I didn't want to screw up again. So I saw my tutor and we changed the course to part-time instead of full-time and I managed to get extensions on all my coursework deadlines. You'd think I would've learned by then, right? Wrong! Once again, I messed up big time and didn't get the work handed in. At this point I pretty much gave up hope because they'd given me chance after chance and I blew it so I gave up. After months of trying to fit in with my flatmates, I withdrew into myself. Hardly ever came out of my room after that and now I've lost contact with them all. Nice.

    Now I am sitting here beating myself up because of how STUPID I was. Altogether I've had probably about three or four chances to get things right and I just keep screwing up! I keep missing these opportunites and watching them sail on by as I wonder what could have been. If only I had pulled myself together, I would've been graduating this time next year.

    And then I think back to school...when I used to be an A-grade student. What happened? How could I have let myself go like this?

    Now I feel like I am at a dead end. I feel like I've missed everything and it's never coming back. Unless I win the lottery or something I'm probably never going to be able to go back to university. Student loans funded me for two years, I highly doubt they'd fund me for a third attempt, especially now that the UK government is in cost-cutting mode. I had a job once. I lasted two weeks in a Toys 'R' Us store before getting let go for poor work performance and lack of enthusiasm for the job and it's left me too afraid to go for anything else because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll screw that up also.

    I keep on looking for the next path. The next route to take and I can't find anything. Every bridge seems to be burned and damaged beyond repair. I now don't have a job, don't have anything exciting to work towards, have no friends and I just dunno what to do anymore.

    I also keep on dwelling over lost friendships. Every friendship I've ever had has resulted in one of the following: 1) They stab me in the back like the lying, cheating buggers they are...or 2) We just outgrow each other, the friendship 'fizzles out' and we go our separate ways, never to see or hear from each other for as long as we both shall live. Quite frankly, this can get really depressing because any other person would at least have a best friend or two to fall back on. I don't. I mean, I have a long distance gf but I never feel like she really gets me and sometimes talking to her about these things can feel like talking to a wall but then sad thing is I'd probably get more empathy from a wall. Earlier this year, I had a falling out with some friends and now I have virtually no one left, which is annoying because I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest but no one to talk to and it's eating me up inside too much. Nowhere to direct it to and it's physically chipping away at my heart and soul. Every time I sleep, I dream about all these missed opportunities and lost friendships. I have dreams where I'm still at college or university, and still friends with these people or I've made amends with them. I'm sick of being haunted by all this. I can't get a good night's sleep because of it. I feel as though I am slowly dying and deteriorating inside. I have this constant tightness in the chest as though I'm literally heartbroken. I'm constantly tired throughout the day no matter how much sleep I get. I barely eat anything anymore and I'm overall just tired of being here and having no future. Why am I here? I have nothing valuable to give anymore. Why am I still lingering on this Earth? The phrase "running on a treadmill and going nowhere" seems to spring to mind.

    Just about all my other friends have disappeared for no reason. I'm in an unhappy long distance relationship. I just don't really feel like I love her all that much anymore and I don't feel like she loves me either but it's sadly the only thing I've got right now so I've been clinging on to it because I don't want to lose another friendship.

    To say I'm depressed would be a massive understatement right now. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and the only thing left for me to do is become the biggest drunk the world's ever seen.

    Wish I could be put out of my misery.

    At the same time, can't help but feel I deserve all this tbh.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hi there! I can understand where you are coming from and I hope I can give you some helpful feedback. The school thing doesn't sound as though it is truly what you have a passion for. I would be in your same shoes if I pursued something I truly did not care about. Do some soul searching and take some ME time and find something you are passionate about. Then there will not be anything to stop you from accomplishing it. I would not beat yourself up for these things. You cannot force yourself to interested into something that you aren't. What you do does not make you who you are. I feel that you need to truly seek who you are and what you truly want to do with your life before you make any commitments. JMPO.
    Friends...any relationship takes work. They all basically work like this: a relationship is like a garden. The more attention and effort you put into it, the more it thrives, and grows into something beautiful. Ignore it and withers away until you have nothing left. You are a capable human being who can make great friends and can be a great friend. A lot of this again would be easier once you discover who you are, what you like, where you want to go, and what type of people you would like to be around. For me it is easy; I like to be around anyone who is sincere. I hope this helps. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2010
  3. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what I want anymore to tell the truth. I used to be into a lot of things I just don't have the passion for anymore. Drawing, writing, creative things. Deep down I still kinda have a love of those things but it's just hard to stay motivated anymore.

    As for my gf. It's weird. About a year ago I was pining for her like crazy because she'd dumped me and I thought I'd never get over it and that she was the best thing that was ever going to happen to me. If you read some of my previous posts from a year ago on this forum I wouldn't shut up about it lol Then we got back together and since then things just haven't quite been the same. It bugged me for a while but sadly these days I just do not care anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I care about her an awful lot but these days I just don't suppose I'm "in love" with her anymore, and tbh I don't think she is either. It's just the only thing I've got left so I'm trying to keep ahold of it for as long as I can. I also fear ending the relationship and then realizing that I've made a big mistake but it's too late.

    We used to be a lot closer when we had something to do together but there isn't really anything online for us to do atm so it's making us bored. A few years ago I couldn't stay away from her for more than a day but these days I probably talk to her about 3 times a week because anymore and I just get bored at the lack of things to do or talk about.

    We used to go on rping sites but we both left after people started acting like assholes and I haven't been back there since. Shame because I had a few friends there and I used to enjoy it but then they made me staff and it became less enjoyable as it was more like a job than something I was doing for fun. The admins didn't really care either so I just gave up.

    See...anytime I engage in some sort of activity...I have to feel like I'm actually being rewarded for it to feel worthwhile. I have to feel like other people care for me to care. I'm at my most positive when I feel as though I'm getting somewhere but when I'm not, I just don't see what the point is anymore and just quit and lose interest.

    Back in school, I used to be rewarded for my efforts. They had merit systems and prizes for high achievers and it used to motivate me and instill a sense of self-esteem in me. I'm not exactly asking for a parade but I feel like I need praise to remain motivated. In college and uni I just never had someone to give me that pat on the back and reassure me that what I was doing was all worthwhile.

    I don't know how to remain motivated on my own and in hindsight I think that's where I fell short. I was on my own and had to motivate myself and I'm useless at self-motivation because I have such a low opinion of myself.

    How do I do that? Motivate myself...love myself...even when things aren't necessarily going to plan?
  4. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    There're things in this post that I don't relate to, but sadly, I relate to most. We should keep in touch.
  5. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Hi Save Me

    I'm not totally sure how to help you motivate and love yourself, as I am trying to figure that out myself. Right now, I'm focussing on looking around me at the people I have begun to open up with and realising that not all of them have run away has made me feel like I mean something other people, and should therefore start to realise my own worth. But it's hard and I'm not there yet, so I really don't know I can tell you to do the same.

    What struck me in your post was what you said about your girlfriend. I've been in that kind of relationship where you care for each other, but you're not in love, and yet you're too scared to let go in case you've made a huge mistake. It's been three and a half years since I left my ex, and I am only now starting to get over him properly. Off and on over the last few years, I'd run back and desperately try to save the friendship with the hopes of sparking up a new relationship later. As much as it's a cliche, time will help that wound heal - in my case, three and a half years, for others longer, for still others less. I just started to focus on what I could do and how I wanted to live without him. And even though it's taken FOREVER, I think I made the right decision - the alternative was to remain with him and go through something similar in five or ten years (or worse, when the resentment etc built up) and I couldn't put him through it.

    I don't know if any of that helps, but I just wanted to let you know I understand. I hope you can maintain some friendships here, you're always welcome to PM me if you need to talk.