I can't sleep tonight because I keep sitting up in bed dwelling over thoughts of missed opportunities in my life. Times when I could've made something of myself but messed it up. It started with Art college a few years ago. I was there for 2 months before deciding to drop out because I couldn't hack it anymore, and then about 9 months later I applied for a place on a University course and attended classes fairly frequently but eventually I messed that up as well. Things were alright at first but I would find myself procrastinating all the time and putting work off until the last second. Some nights I would go without sleep until I had finished the assignment. Some mornings I would rush to get things done so that it would be ready to hand in later that day. In the end it all just caught up with me and I missed one assignment and never attended another lesson after that because I was ashamed of myself for failing. I just couldn't face it. Then about a year later, I decided I was going to buck up and change my attitude and repeat the first year of my university course. This time I moved into a room in the halls of residence. This was great for a while as I met some lovely people and for a while I thought things were going to be ok. I came out of my shell a bit and went out with them to pubs and clubs and stuff...but I messed up...again! This time was worse than the previous year. During my first year I had at least managed to hand in one or two assignments. During the resit year I handed in NOTHING whatsoever. I maybe attended two lectures out of the whole year and found myself just unable to go in after that. Couldn't face getting up in the morning so I just slept. Then near Christmas last year I got in touch with my tutor and decided to at least try and salvage something because I didn't want to screw up again. So I saw my tutor and we changed the course to part-time instead of full-time and I managed to get extensions on all my coursework deadlines. You'd think I would've learned by then, right? Wrong! Once again, I messed up big time and didn't get the work handed in. At this point I pretty much gave up hope because they'd given me chance after chance and I blew it so I gave up. After months of trying to fit in with my flatmates, I withdrew into myself. Hardly ever came out of my room after that and now I've lost contact with them all. Nice. Now I am sitting here beating myself up because of how STUPID I was. Altogether I've had probably about three or four chances to get things right and I just keep screwing up! I keep missing these opportunites and watching them sail on by as I wonder what could have been. If only I had pulled myself together, I would've been graduating this time next year. And then I think back to school...when I used to be an A-grade student. What happened? How could I have let myself go like this? Now I feel like I am at a dead end. I feel like I've missed everything and it's never coming back. Unless I win the lottery or something I'm probably never going to be able to go back to university. Student loans funded me for two years, I highly doubt they'd fund me for a third attempt, especially now that the UK government is in cost-cutting mode. I had a job once. I lasted two weeks in a Toys 'R' Us store before getting let go for poor work performance and lack of enthusiasm for the job and it's left me too afraid to go for anything else because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll screw that up also. I keep on looking for the next path. The next route to take and I can't find anything. Every bridge seems to be burned and damaged beyond repair. I now don't have a job, don't have anything exciting to work towards, have no friends and I just dunno what to do anymore. I also keep on dwelling over lost friendships. Every friendship I've ever had has resulted in one of the following: 1) They stab me in the back like the lying, cheating buggers they are...or 2) We just outgrow each other, the friendship 'fizzles out' and we go our separate ways, never to see or hear from each other for as long as we both shall live. Quite frankly, this can get really depressing because any other person would at least have a best friend or two to fall back on. I don't. I mean, I have a long distance gf but I never feel like she really gets me and sometimes talking to her about these things can feel like talking to a wall but then sad thing is I'd probably get more empathy from a wall. Earlier this year, I had a falling out with some friends and now I have virtually no one left, which is annoying because I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest but no one to talk to and it's eating me up inside too much. Nowhere to direct it to and it's physically chipping away at my heart and soul. Every time I sleep, I dream about all these missed opportunities and lost friendships. I have dreams where I'm still at college or university, and still friends with these people or I've made amends with them. I'm sick of being haunted by all this. I can't get a good night's sleep because of it. I feel as though I am slowly dying and deteriorating inside. I have this constant tightness in the chest as though I'm literally heartbroken. I'm constantly tired throughout the day no matter how much sleep I get. I barely eat anything anymore and I'm overall just tired of being here and having no future. Why am I here? I have nothing valuable to give anymore. Why am I still lingering on this Earth? The phrase "running on a treadmill and going nowhere" seems to spring to mind. Just about all my other friends have disappeared for no reason. I'm in an unhappy long distance relationship. I just don't really feel like I love her all that much anymore and I don't feel like she loves me either but it's sadly the only thing I've got right now so I've been clinging on to it because I don't want to lose another friendship. To say I'm depressed would be a massive understatement right now. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and the only thing left for me to do is become the biggest drunk the world's ever seen. Wish I could be put out of my misery. At the same time, can't help but feel I deserve all this tbh.