haunted by the past (*triggers*)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by TheRiver, Aug 17, 2015.

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  1. TheRiver

    TheRiver Member

    I'm a 54 year old male. And I'm still haunted by my suicide attempt when I was 14. The 40 years in between seems like but a moment, and it seems as though I am chained to that time, that event. I cannot shake it and it is with me every day, as integral to me as my DNA.

    I was born into a dysfunctional family like many have been. My father was a physically abusive alcoholic, my mother a narcissist consumed with her own issues, and I was the youngest of three sons. My father had wanted me to be a girl, so I disappointed him at birth. Had had named my two older brothers, but told my mother to name me.

    At 12, I began to be sexually abused by an older relative. This escalated into periodic and unpredictable forcible rape. I knew that I couldn't tell my father what was happening as I felt certain he would at the least beat me, and at the worst might kill me. The sexual abuse went on for a little over a year until I reached puberty, at which time the perp apparently now lost interest in me. My self-loathing was spiraling me downwards, I felt like I had been a wh*re, since that's what they did. At one point the perp had even said to me "you're like a girl". Dealing with the aftermath of all that at 13-14, and with the physical abuse from my father, I had determined to kill myself when I was 14.

    I rode my bicycle to the <Mod Edit:Methods> only injured and not killed outright. I cried. I got up and rode my bicycle back home, crying as I peddled, and years later I would think on this and how even then, in something that should have been the most intimate of decisions for myself, my father still had control over me.

    From 15-16, I drifted into drugs abuse provided by "friends", primarily my cousin, Benny, the known druggie of my school. Alcohol was common as well, and I became adept at hiding the effects from my parents. Although, one day I passed out in front of my mother. She took me to the family doctor the next day and he asked me point blank when we were alone if I was doing drugs. I lied of course and said No. This was the man who had brought me into this world, and I felt terrible lying to him. He paused and said, OK, and then called my mother in and told her to have me eat better.

    From the time I was about 10, there was a man in our neighborhood took an interest in me, his name was Dave. He was in his 30s, married with 2 small sons, and was a psychologist by profession. To make a long story short, he was grooming me. At 16, he took our relationship sexual as well. I thought, well, it's not like I haven't done this before. A year or so later, he moved away.

    I have struggled with self worth issues all my life, at times I feel like the trash my father made me feel like, and I still get consumed with shame at the wh*re I feel like I was at 12. At 44, I finally fell apart emotionally and entered counseling for several years and was diagnosed with PTSD. There have been several other times over my life I have thought about killing myself, even fairly recently. I think of how I would do it, but then guilt keeps me from carrying through, just like when I was 14. I think of my daughter we lost some 20 years ago as a baby and I want to join her and leave all this suffering behind.

    I'm on medication for anxiety (Xanax) to control the moments when it feels like it's all closing in. I drink with it too at times (I know, bad). But the past will not let go of me, it squeezes the life out of me at times.

    That's enough got now. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far, I didn't mean for it to be so long when I started, but it helps to write it out.

    River
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2015
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi River I read your post sorry for all you have had to endure glad you are able to write here to release some of the pain i hope
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I read your thread twice and I must be you must be one strong person to have gone through all of that and are still here battling it all. No child should go through abuse, it's no wonder that you are now on xanax, I was abused too and used to be on xanax for anxiety but after long term use of the drug it stopped working so I switched to valium which helps. PTSD is not easy to live with, I assume you were diagnosed with depression too? Maybe anxiety too?

    Would it be too much for you to report the abuse to authorities after all these years? I reported my rapist about 9 years after it happened as I did not want him to hurt anyone else. Has counselling helped you? I think it's a great idea 'cos there are some trained solely in sexual abuse. It is estimated that 1in 4 children/adults suffer from sexual abuse in their lives.

    Check out this website, my doctor told me to have a look; One in Four - Sexual abuse. From surviving to living.
    www.oneinfour.ie

    Your suicide attempt seems to have stayed with you all this time, I am so sorry that you have felt that low in your life, no kid should be thinking like that but unfortunately it happens all too often.

    Anyway, welcome to SF and I hope you find SF useful!! :hugs: to you!
     
  4. TheRiver

    TheRiver Member

    Thank you for reading my post and responding. It helps to know that I'm heard. For so long, decades, I felt I had no voice, especially with the violence of my father I was afraid to ever speak up because he would almost always without exception shoot down anything that I did say.

    I feel like the Xanax has literally saved my life. When I feel apart 10 years ago, I went to my family doctor and explained some aspects of the past and how I needed something to help me with those issues and to regain some control of my life so that I didn't feel this overwhelming sense of doom at the slightest triggers. I only take it when needed, so am not on a scheduled regimen with it, so I guess I haven't built a tolerance up to it. I was diagnosed with depression as well, but couldn't seem to tolerate the anti-depressants well. The Xanax seems to help me get through episodes when I need it though.

    The first perp (relative) is in ill health and I feel disclosure would only hurt those family members of ours and would serve no purpose really. I feel pretty strongly that he's no longer a threat. The other perp, the psychologist, is in his 80s now, bad health as well, so disclosure would only hurt his sons, which I don't want to see. Again, I strongly feel he is no longer a threat, so in both cases I don't think disclosure would be a good course since it would hurt so many around them. I made my peace with God about the sexual abuse a few years ago, and have forgiven them both.

    My father will be 80 in a few months, is in very bad health, almost died a few months ago. Even now, I can't find it in me to forgive him. I just can't and am not there yet. Maybe when he dies that will change.

    I've been helped greatly by another online site for male survivors of sexual abuse that I was on for several years. And I do like the word survivor so much better than victim. :)
     
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