Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by HurtingInside, Mar 11, 2008.

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  1. Does anyone here have skeletons in their closet regarding their past? I thought I was dealing with things well but the truth is my past is eating away at me every day and I cant stop it. I want so much to find the real me again, to be happy instead of just acting. I want peace, not just of mind but of my life. I want to stop unning from all that was.
    I have constant flashbacks, constant nausea and its affecting my life. I need it all to stop and to go away. Will I ever be free?
  2. bronwyyn

    bronwyyn Well-Known Member

    I have a closet full of skeletons as well. I've found the best way to deal with it is to find someone you really really trust, who knows you better than anyone, and tell them everything. It's a hard thing to find a person that can hear all your shit and not judge you and still love you. I am lucky that I found someone like that. You may or may not have. I still have anxiety and my tummy is messed up all the time, but the skeletons don't seem to rattle so much when I'm talking to the one person I really trust.

    People say that "time heals all wounds". I don't know if that's true, but I know that it eases them a bit.

    If you don't have anyone to talk to, I am more than willing to listen. I know it's not the same, but I'm here if you need me, and you can PM me if you like. There is nothing I haven't heard, done, or had done to me. Nothing shocks me. I'm here to listen if you need me.
  3. Thankyou for your reply and offer of support, its appreciated more than you know. I havent got anyone I can really trust. Ive often tried to tell people I thought would support me but I guess they didnt know how to react so they did what they thought best; they walked away. My past is filled with abuse and although it has stopped and I dont have contact with the person involved it is with me every day. I think about it constantly, I feel so many things including guilt. I wonder what I did as a child to cause this, I wonder why it wasnt initially stopped and why after it being stopped was it allowed to start gain by the services which are supposed to protact children. I lived so much of my childhood in fear, wanting so much to die and when it all stopped, I no longer knew who I was. It was like everything was stripped away. I felt so distant from everyone and that has always stayed with me. When it was all happening I stopped communicating, I guess these barriers just came up and stopped any kind of feeling. I was so scared of getting hurt again that I just couldnt talk or let anyone near me. As time went on, I managed to get counselling but it took just over a year for me to actually say anything to the counsellor. I thought they would judge me like everyone else did, I thought that if the abuser found out I had spoken they would come back and kill me. The counselling did help for a while and I thought I was over it but even to this day its always in my mind. I dream about it, during the day I have constant flashbacks and its ruining any chance of friendship/relationship. Im so scared of letting anyone close to me that I am physically sick. I dont know what to do anymore. Do you think there is any hope of me being normal or is it just a waste? Thanks for listening.
  4. bronwyyn

    bronwyyn Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've told me what happened to you. I have not been abused, but someone very close to me was. It was by his father, who is gay... long story. Anyway, he deals with it by getting angry. I don't have the angry gene, I get depressed or panicky, but when thoughts of the abuse surface for him, he gets angry at his abuser. He knows that it wasn't his fault. I'm sure you've been told that before, and me saying it again probably won't help, but it is the absolute truth. You didn't deserve it. You didn't provoke it. It was NOT your fault. I am angry for you. I am angry at all the people who could have helped you but didn't. Anger doesn't always have to be a bad emotion, sometimes it can help us heal, as long as we don't let it get out of control.

    I don't think there is ever a chance of you being "normal", but that's only because there is no such thing as normal as far as I can see. As Doc Holliday said, "There's just life, you get on with it." What I really mean to say is that though you may never be normal, you can absolutly be happy. I'm not sure how you can get to that point, but it's great that you are talking to a councelor.

    Sometimes it helps me to write everything down in a letter. Maybe you've tried this before, but it might help to write a letter to your abuser. Not to send it, just to get it all out. Get as angry as you want. Tell him/her off in the most colorful way you can think of. Tell them how good you are, in spite of what they did to you. Try to want to be happy and normal just to spite them. Someone as evil as the person that hurt you does not deserve the pleasure of knowing that they left an imprint. Maybe when the flashbacks come, just think you're talking to that person and mentally tell them to "fuck off" that they don't deserve one more second of your thoughts.

    People are judgemental, but people that judge you negativly because you were hurt aren't worth your time. I make a point only to surround myself with completely understanding people. I have few friends, but they are worth 100 of the other kind.

    I don't really know you, but from what I've read I think you are a wonderful, caring person that has so much love inside just bursting to get out. I have lots of love in me too, and it does make you vulnerable, but it also is the greatest strenth you have. I find that helping others puts a salve on my wounds. Letting all that love of yours out, I believe, can help us heal.

    I want to write more to you, but I'm running out of time right now. I don't know if anything I said helps, but no matter what, I am always here to listen and I will be thinking of you.
  5. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    Oh yea!!! I have many but one big one only a few people know about and no one here ever will...yea!!!! It's one of those things that haunts you. For me it isn't always there. Manage to forget about it for long periods or I was able to until recently when I came across some others who were there. I find the best thing for me is to keep busy and distracted from it.
  6. To Bronwynn,

    Thankyou for your advice. And yes alot fo what you said has given me some things to think about. I have tried the letter writing before and yes it did help at the time but I think all in all I have written over fifty letters. It made me laugh because my letters were very "colourful" and yet in person my words are not that colourful.
    Hopefully the counselling will do some good. Im just feeling so weighted down by what happened. I long for peace but yet I dont even know where I would start to even get that.

    Thankyou again anyway xxxx
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