Again - again and again and again... I ride this cycle out and I wind up back here. I want to die. Not figuratively, or theoretically... I want death. I want the end. I want the finality, the totality, the utter and complete freedom that comes with such violence, such destruction, and such absolute abandon. And these feelings - these thoughts... They creep up, they grow, and suddenly, they are overwhelming. I cannot for the life of me manage to fight them much longer... It seems they grow stronger with every passing second. I dont have any fantasies about death or suicide - I know it is selfish, and permanent, and probably irrational on some level... But oh my god... I want it.