Haunting Past...

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by absolution, Apr 30, 2010.

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  1. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    I have been really worried to post here...dont know why.

    But i cant take this anymore :( I keep having such vivid flashbacks and nightmares of everything he did to me. I need to talk about it...im screaming inside because i know one day the opportunity will come up for him to rape me again :cry:

    I keep seeing him on top of me...i can pretty much feel the blows and him doing it all over again everytime i close my eyes. It feels so real...its hard to convince myself its not and that he cant hurt me right now.

    I feel like its all my fault in a way. I mean...couldnt i have stopped him?? :cry: once i said no and he beat me so badly i never said no again. Does this mean that the times i didnt say no i consented?

    God i feel so dirty i wanna scream...i cant take this...im suppose to be safe...he is gone for now. But yet i relive it over and over everytime i close my eyes.

    What do i do?? :cry:
     
  2. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Sweetheart, this is not your fault at all and just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean you consented.

    Are you working on this in therapy?
     
  3. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    I feel like it is my fault...and i cant bring myself to tell her how awful i am
     
  4. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Your therapist doesn't know about this at all?

    There is nothing awful about you. What happened to you was awful, but it does not make you so.
     
  5. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :i'm sorry: She kinda sorta knows .... and i just...cant take it
     
  6. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

  7. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

  8. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I know how real those flashbacks can feel. And body memories are terrible. It is not your fault. I know it is easier to say it then believe it. I know because I struggle with this myself. HUGS
     
  9. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    HUGS :)...its hard... :cry: feel so dirty

    its ok what he did to me...im not worth shit anyways
     
  10. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Its not okay what he did to you and your worth more then shit. I do know how much it hurts, and how dirty it makes you feel. How hard it is, and how conflicting thoughts can be. If you ever need to talk feel free. HUGS
     
  11. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: thanks and same here :smile:
     
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