Haunting thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fjant, Apr 5, 2010.

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  1. Fjant

    Fjant New Member

    Hi, i just discovered this forum..and, well I dont really know what I am doing here either..First of all, I am from norway, so excuse my bad typing..anyway, I guess I'm writing here either, or no I know I'm writing here because I've got the feeling that people might read it and understand it..I don't know. The thing is I'm 25 years old, had a girlfriend for over 2 years now, we have a dog together. She is very sweet and nice..but she has som personal issues, not that it does any matter in this case..but so did I couple of years back..long story really, but from the age of 19-23 I was really haunted by suicide thoughts and attempts, anxiety, feeling lonely most of the time, drug abuse and sex wasn't sex anymore. Just another thing. I really didn't care about life. I more than once tried to end it, and though I had several friends and family, I always felt alone anyway. There was no one I could talk to.. really talk to..tried psychologists, but it just didn't feel right..pay them to make them listen you. Maybe I see it wrong but either way, thats my point of view..
    And the point of this thread is, well these last days.. I got the same creepy feeling, the knots in my stomach, the hopelessness, eerie thoughts. And ofcourse, somedays just aint right..but this has been on and of for some weeks now..I don't feel happy, I feel alone, I want to be alone but still not. And these last few days has been even worse. I guess i'm afraid i'll fall back..And I don't want to go through 4 years of hell again..Everytime things have topped itself before in my life, I always moved away from that city, started from scratch in another city were no one knew me..Well, now im back in my birth town, been here the last 3 years, and 2 last years have been nice and settling..thats until now..I really dont know were to go, what to do or how to do it..and worst of all, I dont know why im am feeling bad, I never did.. Well If someone reads this, it would be nice just to hear if someone else can recognize their self..
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2010
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've found this forum ..there will be others here who are/have been going through the same as you..
    you didn't say if you are on meds?...maybe they would help and if you are taking them already sounds like the dose may need changing...
  3. Fjant

    Fjant New Member

    no i'm not on any meds..it's the strangest thing, when im down, I prefer to stay down..i dont want any meds to get me feel better. I dont knw why, if its that i do not believe in the meds or what.
    But in a strange kind of way, i feel a little bit safe in this state of mind also, or even missed it. I know it sounds completely crazy. I hate feeling lonely among friends, especially in company with my girlfriend, and..putting up a false mask each day is a burden that gets heavier every passing day. And I can't talk to her about it, it makes me feel uncomfterble, even though she knows my history.
    She doesn't seem to understand that, and we get fighting, and things get even worse.
    So when now that i have been alone for 5 days ( she has been on vication )..i get time to think for my own, and you know, the thought of just vanish off is comforting, it feels safe.
    Times I do not feel bad at all, when im high on life you could say, i do not have any thought about either suicide, anxiety, depression, drugs or self-harm..
    I will close this off for now, but I have to admit, it is also comforting laying all my inner out on a piece of document and post it out..thanks for listening
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