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Have anyone ever felt like it have its own life?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Jul 13, 2008.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im talking about depression and the pain.
    Have any of you guys ever felt like it have its own life and deesires?
    Sometimes i just think like there is something inside me, like a demon or something
    if i think about it i can even tell that he looks like a black, shiney, sphere
    inside my boddy
    You guys probbly think i lost it... :(

    Anyways sometimes i feel like this sphere is like, sleeping, in such times
    i feel like my body is very heavy and it is difficult for me to do anything
    mostly i just sleep.
    But sometimes it takes a total control of my thoughts, i feel this extrime pain
    all over my boddy, its not like phisical pain, it hard to explain really
    but the pain feels diffrent from phisical.
    My thoughts are rushing in circles in my head, i can only think about death
    i can feel something like if my boddy is dead from inside
    I must say, sometimes this pain is so unbelivble strong that i cant
    feel phisical pain almsot at all.
  2. glassdarkly

    glassdarkly New Member

    Summer rain, that was so beautiful. That is totally how I feel, 100%. When it is sleeping inside of me, I just feel so numb and zombie like.

    Then when it is "awake" I am so full of psychic pain that if I get hurt, or hit, it actually feels good... the physical pain takes some of the psychic pain away. Or I can't really feel anything, - including fear. Example - I got my tattoos when in depression. Didn't hurt at all. Felt good. 3 months later, the depression had lifted slightly. I went in for more tattoos. It hurt like a motherfucker. That's the depth of psychic pain

    All I know is that I am truly dead inside , and it's really, really, really painful to be alive.

    I spent some time tonight with friends, and we had a great time, and it was wonderful. But at any moment during the evening , if I reflected, i asked myself, "would you trade this mirth with friends, at this moment, for death?" and the answer would be, "Yes. In a heartbeat. I'd rather not be here right now."


    I hope you get some sleep and rest tonight. I need it too.
  3. suso

    suso Member

    I think i understand, but we can have different interpretatiions for the the same thing, for me is like a weight inside, like you say, your body feel heavier, dont know if you also feel your articulations harmed at the lower moments?, you can't breath very well, and ur chest is harmming you, is a mix of stress and depression.

    heavy and spikey...at least for me

    I think i have learned to control my "demon" inside, now is less painful, hope one day will gone forever
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2008
  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys, it feels good when i know im not alone.

    Actualy when im in this psyhic pain, the physical is almsot dessapier
    i remember how i smashed my finger with a 5kg hammer by mistake
    i could actualy see the bone and all the workers around me was in total shock becouse
    thay though im about to scream, yet i just covered the wound and kept working...
    Then about a year ago, i pirced my tounge, there was no pain at all

    And i know how it feels like when you are out with your freands
    i had it so many times, i actualy had a SA while was with my freands
    and thay didnt even knew it... i tryed to OD with Vodka...
    i feel so bad sometimes, and it last for ages :(
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Summer.Rain,
    You know alot of times that heavy ness is caused by your meds.For example: I was on two meds years ago. I was in the hospital and they gave us our P.M. meds. When we got a smoking break I just sort of drifted outside for a smoke, when I came back in, I was trying to go to bed and I felt like i was toating around an extra hundred pounds. My legs felt like rubber. With some diffaculty I managed to get to my bed. I layed down and was out within seconds.
    So keep it in mind to see if it is your meds causing this. And be sure to tell your doc eveything! They aren't mind readers,all they can do is go by what you tell them. I personally am on five meds from My shrink and five meds from my regular doctor. You might say I am a walking pharmace. Well good luck and I hope to see you around the forum...:chopper:...
  6. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im not on any meds.. and there is no therapist or whatever that im going to
    not becouse i dont want to really... but becouse here in Ukraine it is almsot impossible
    to find a therapist, and the meds here are shit.. WW2 meds lol..
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