But I don't want to. These thoughts have been recurring for the past two years. I look around these forums, similar forums and I listen to people as I either encounter them or hear from another conversation about those in worse plight than me, have been through worse, have so little yet persevere through thick and thin. I often feel like I should feel inspired, but I don't, and I have no idea why. It's all cerebral, mental, emotional, whatever you want to call it. In my head, I'm lost and bogged down in so many places. Confused? I apologize for sounding so ambiguous. She smiled as she said, "You will never be alone, I promise!"... batting her eyes and smiling so softly with her pearly white teeth. The tone of her voice matched her smile: so soft. Who's the she? My ex. We were together for 3+ years. She once told me that. That I would never be alone. Funny thing is, I feel like I'm destined to die alone. She had the audacity to tell me that, all the while she went behind my back, cheated on me and cruelly kicked me out of her life when everything was said and done. Closure was never gained. That was that. A relationship with a bunch of potential lost. I reckon that's not the only thing that's put me into this funk. I could write a memoir about it, but I'll stop short of that. The relationship didn't just end recently. Oh, no, it was over in 2010. I wish the relationship was the only thing that was hurting, the only thing causing my own personal plight, but it's not. She -- the ex -- is a large part of my downfall over the last two years, but that's because I've allowed her to be. She ruthlessly screwed me over, emasculated me (because I let her; didn't stop her) and whittled my self-confidence by cheating on me and damning our relationship. I was the happiest guy in the world in 2008-2009. I had whipped adversity in the past (lost a father, lost an uncle, best friend died in a car crash, house burned down, etc.), and nothing had ever stopped me before. I was a relentless warrior back then. Nothing could stop me from doing my thing. I had her, finished my senior year and graduated in June '09, and was excited to start college. But everything went downhill in October 09. She had insecurities, I didn't do anything positive to help instead of develop insecurities myself, arguing ensued, she treated me like trash while I pandered to her (I should have stood my ground and told her to straighten up, but I didn't) and eventually the inevitable happened. I skipped out on college in 2010 and 2011, and have so far this year. I told friends and family I was going, but I haven't been. I know, you don't have to tell me, I'm a pathetic loser and an idiotic joke for it. I know. I've felt like this for the past two years. I mean, seriously, how good of a person can I possibly be if my ex can cruelly cheat on me like that all the while covering it all up by telling me that she's all mine and that I'll never 'be alone'? How can one human being do that to another? How? My self-confidence is shot. Completely shot. I might appear to some people to be confident or maybe arrogant on the outside, but I'm insecure and unsure of myself on the inside. I want to reenter community college in August, go two years, transfer to a university and chase my dreams. I told somebody about this recently and they told me that it would be a 'waste of time to go back to school at this juncture' (I'm about 21), which made me SUPER depressed. I just want to be successful. HOWEVER, more than anything else, I want to be happy. I just want to be happy so badly, happy like I was in 2008 and 2009. Not like this, not the loser that I am today. Yes, that's negative babble, but I feel it's true. I feel like I naturally turn people off or something without ever even opening my mouth or saying a word. I don't know why I feel like this. I'd like to think of myself as attractive. I'm tall and lean and decently charismatic depending on what subject is being spoken of, but I just look at people, strangers even, without even saying a word, and I feel like they see me and think, "Wow, what an unattractive loser." I don't know why i feel like this. It could even be at stores and the clerks act like the rudest people in the world. It might not even be me. It might just be because they hate their jobs, but still, I feel like it's a personal reflection of my character. I wasn't bullied in school, except for elementary school. For a white guy, I've always had rather thick lips. I remember one kid always making fun of me because, even when my mouth is closed, I don't know... I don't know how to explain it? My lips just look... different compared to others? My ex, when she loved me and before she cheated on me, always told me I had the sexiest lips in the world, but that was during a time when I was confident and sure of myself. Not so much nowadays obviously. I feel like an incompetent mushmouth, too. Had braces for nearly five years, and now my jaw is all screwed up. My top and bottom teeth are too close together, but I don't have health insurance at the moment, so I'm not exactly interested in paying to go get it checked out only to be told "Hey, you need expensive jaw surgery!" Some people have told me, "Hey, just ignore it!" but it's irritating to ignore when my teeth feel like they are constantly touching one another, especially when I speak. I have two three close friends. None of them know about my inner thoughts about wanting to end it all. One friend is outwardly suicidal. I give him a lot of advice about stuff I hypocritically do not follow. Apparently it helps him, but I don't believe it because I'm the source who's saying it, but hey, it makes him feel better for what it's worth. Another friend of mine is a short, ugly dude (not being mean, but he doesn't have all too great hygiene; he rarely brushes his teeth and always reeks of body odor) who has this irrational confidence where he seems to be able to acquire girls without a problem. I don't understand it. He has nothing to be confident about, but he pulls girls like crazy, and he's happy. I don't understand it at all. To beat it all, he's arrogant and constantly bragging about himself to the point where I don't enjoy hanging out with him at all. Last but not least, my other friend is my lifelong best friend since childhood. He's an alcoholic nowadays. He drinks daily. He has one daughter with an ex girlfriend, and he has another kid coming up with a girl he doesn't even care for. We haven't talked in a while, so we are not as close as before, but still. I don't know what I'm going to do... Like I said, this is what I want to do: 1.) Sign up for fall classes at the local community college 2.) Go two years 3.) Transfer to a university 4.) ??? Go from there What's stopping me? I don't know. I feel so damn incompetent. My self-confidence is a shell of what it used to be. What's happened to me? I don't want to, but I've been thinking about ending my life for the past two years. It has been a near-everyday thought. I feel empty and alone, without a purpose. She (ex) told me I'd never be alone. She told me she'd love me forever, but where is she? She told me she'd always be here for me no matter what, but where is she? Why did she cruelly and callously screw me over like she did? Why did she giggle and smile when she told me all of these sweet things? At the end of the day, I just whine. I'm a whiner. Not to friends and family, but on here, I just sit here and type out a bunch of lines filled with whining. I SHOULDN'T be unhappy, but that's just how I am. So much anxiety, everyday, pits in my stomach and random unwarranted insecurities. I shouldn't even care about what people think! I used to not give a crap, but these days, that's all I seem to do. I worry about offending people, I worry about them insulting me. I worry too much. I get extreme anxiety... What's happened to my life? Where did all of this chaos come from? I can't believe that three short years ago I was having the time of my life and now I've basically reduced my life to nothing, a shell of its former self. I feel like nothing more than a worthless loser in this world. Nothing separates me from anybody else. I'm just another person, except I'm a person with no resolution in sight. I think about ending it, because then I don't have to feel any of this. I don't have to feel the pain or anxiety. If I ended it, I wouldn't have to think about it. It would be over. I wouldn't ever have to feel anything else ever again. Nada, zip. I know, I wouldn't be able to feel happiness, either, but hey, I haven't felt happiness since 2009. What guarantees me that I'll find it again. I KNOW that it's a loser mentality, but that's just that.... that's why I just said that I feel like a pathetic, worthless loser. So many more people have gone through tougher things than me, but there's a reason for that: they are tougher than me. I'm a walking, talking, breathing, eating joke. Describes me to a tee. I don't even add anything to anybody else's life, really. And if I do, then what is that? My ex used to think I was all that and a bowl of popcorn... then she cheated on me. I went from being her superman, from being her world to being nothing. She kicked me out of her life and didn't care about what the hell happened to me. So I sit here, typing this incoherent thread on this forum............. I don't want to end it, but I FEEL like ending it, because I've been patiently thinking about it for the last two years. I'm not exactly sure how I would do it; I just have some alcohol. Let me say something... If I did end it, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE RIGHT NOW. Please read that again: NOT RIGHT NOW. Just making that a point. I'm tired of the unwarranted feelings of pain, the insecurities and the anxiety. How in the heck do I become confident like I used to be? I can't stand feeling like a joke, but how am I supposed to feel when she took every intangible away from me... how am I supposed to feel when I already feel like I add NOTHING to another person's life? What's sad is that, even online on forums to people that I've know for years on other sites, they act like they have no desire to want to talk to me... am I really that worthless? I feel so damn isolated, and I don't like it. I remember when she (ex) used to not be able to go a day without seeing me or talking to me... funny how quickly things changed. I miss meaning that much to somebody. She gave me a reason to be here. A lot of people say, "Well, hey! Don't allow another person to be your life or allow enough person to define your existent"... but that's easy to say when you are not in that position. It was the greatest feeling in the world when she held me in such high regard like that. I LOVED being able to make a difference in another person's day. Now? I don't make a difference to anybody's day. I have people telling me to 'man up', people telling me to NOT 'chase my dreams' and people saying to simply 'get over her and find somebody else' like it's so simple. Like I said, the joke's on me, but the sweet paradox is that I'm the de facto joke.