Have been thinking about ending it all for a while

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RuggedWarrior, Mar 29, 2012.

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  1. RuggedWarrior

    RuggedWarrior New Member

    But I don't want to. These thoughts have been recurring for the past two years.

    I look around these forums, similar forums and I listen to people as I either encounter them or hear from another conversation about those in worse plight than me, have been through worse, have so little yet persevere through thick and thin. I often feel like I should feel inspired, but I don't, and I have no idea why. It's all cerebral, mental, emotional, whatever you want to call it. In my head, I'm lost and bogged down in so many places.

    Confused? I apologize for sounding so ambiguous.

    She smiled as she said, "You will never be alone, I promise!"... batting her eyes and smiling so softly with her pearly white teeth. The tone of her voice matched her smile: so soft. Who's the she? My ex. We were together for 3+ years. She once told me that. That I would never be alone. Funny thing is, I feel like I'm destined to die alone. She had the audacity to tell me that, all the while she went behind my back, cheated on me and cruelly kicked me out of her life when everything was said and done. Closure was never gained. That was that. A relationship with a bunch of potential lost.

    I reckon that's not the only thing that's put me into this funk. I could write a memoir about it, but I'll stop short of that. The relationship didn't just end recently. Oh, no, it was over in 2010. I wish the relationship was the only thing that was hurting, the only thing causing my own personal plight, but it's not. She -- the ex -- is a large part of my downfall over the last two years, but that's because I've allowed her to be. She ruthlessly screwed me over, emasculated me (because I let her; didn't stop her) and whittled my self-confidence by cheating on me and damning our relationship.

    I was the happiest guy in the world in 2008-2009. I had whipped adversity in the past (lost a father, lost an uncle, best friend died in a car crash, house burned down, etc.), and nothing had ever stopped me before. I was a relentless warrior back then. Nothing could stop me from doing my thing. I had her, finished my senior year and graduated in June '09, and was excited to start college. But everything went downhill in October 09. She had insecurities, I didn't do anything positive to help instead of develop insecurities myself, arguing ensued, she treated me like trash while I pandered to her (I should have stood my ground and told her to straighten up, but I didn't) and eventually the inevitable happened.

    I skipped out on college in 2010 and 2011, and have so far this year. I told friends and family I was going, but I haven't been. I know, you don't have to tell me, I'm a pathetic loser and an idiotic joke for it. I know. I've felt like this for the past two years. I mean, seriously, how good of a person can I possibly be if my ex can cruelly cheat on me like that all the while covering it all up by telling me that she's all mine and that I'll never 'be alone'? How can one human being do that to another? How?

    My self-confidence is shot. Completely shot. I might appear to some people to be confident or maybe arrogant on the outside, but I'm insecure and unsure of myself on the inside.

    I want to reenter community college in August, go two years, transfer to a university and chase my dreams. I told somebody about this recently and they told me that it would be a 'waste of time to go back to school at this juncture' (I'm about 21), which made me SUPER depressed.

    I just want to be successful. HOWEVER, more than anything else, I want to be happy. I just want to be happy so badly, happy like I was in 2008 and 2009. Not like this, not the loser that I am today. Yes, that's negative babble, but I feel it's true.

    I feel like I naturally turn people off or something without ever even opening my mouth or saying a word. I don't know why I feel like this. I'd like to think of myself as attractive. I'm tall and lean and decently charismatic depending on what subject is being spoken of, but I just look at people, strangers even, without even saying a word, and I feel like they see me and think, "Wow, what an unattractive loser." I don't know why i feel like this. It could even be at stores and the clerks act like the rudest people in the world. It might not even be me. It might just be because they hate their jobs, but still, I feel like it's a personal reflection of my character.

    I wasn't bullied in school, except for elementary school. For a white guy, I've always had rather thick lips. I remember one kid always making fun of me because, even when my mouth is closed, I don't know... I don't know how to explain it? My lips just look... different compared to others? My ex, when she loved me and before she cheated on me, always told me I had the sexiest lips in the world, but that was during a time when I was confident and sure of myself. Not so much nowadays obviously.

    I feel like an incompetent mushmouth, too. Had braces for nearly five years, and now my jaw is all screwed up. My top and bottom teeth are too close together, but I don't have health insurance at the moment, so I'm not exactly interested in paying to go get it checked out only to be told "Hey, you need expensive jaw surgery!" Some people have told me, "Hey, just ignore it!" but it's irritating to ignore when my teeth feel like they are constantly touching one another, especially when I speak.

    I have two three close friends. None of them know about my inner thoughts about wanting to end it all. One friend is outwardly suicidal. I give him a lot of advice about stuff I hypocritically do not follow. Apparently it helps him, but I don't believe it because I'm the source who's saying it, but hey, it makes him feel better for what it's worth. Another friend of mine is a short, ugly dude (not being mean, but he doesn't have all too great hygiene; he rarely brushes his teeth and always reeks of body odor) who has this irrational confidence where he seems to be able to acquire girls without a problem. I don't understand it. He has nothing to be confident about, but he pulls girls like crazy, and he's happy. I don't understand it at all. To beat it all, he's arrogant and constantly bragging about himself to the point where I don't enjoy hanging out with him at all. Last but not least, my other friend is my lifelong best friend since childhood. He's an alcoholic nowadays. He drinks daily. He has one daughter with an ex girlfriend, and he has another kid coming up with a girl he doesn't even care for. We haven't talked in a while, so we are not as close as before, but still.

    I don't know what I'm going to do...

    Like I said, this is what I want to do:

    1.) Sign up for fall classes at the local community college
    2.) Go two years
    3.) Transfer to a university
    4.) ??? Go from there

    What's stopping me? I don't know. I feel so damn incompetent. My self-confidence is a shell of what it used to be. What's happened to me? I don't want to, but I've been thinking about ending my life for the past two years. It has been a near-everyday thought. I feel empty and alone, without a purpose. She (ex) told me I'd never be alone. She told me she'd love me forever, but where is she? She told me she'd always be here for me no matter what, but where is she? Why did she cruelly and callously screw me over like she did? Why did she giggle and smile when she told me all of these sweet things?

    At the end of the day, I just whine.

    I'm a whiner. Not to friends and family, but on here, I just sit here and type out a bunch of lines filled with whining. I SHOULDN'T be unhappy, but that's just how I am. So much anxiety, everyday, pits in my stomach and random unwarranted insecurities. I shouldn't even care about what people think! I used to not give a crap, but these days, that's all I seem to do. I worry about offending people, I worry about them insulting me. I worry too much. I get extreme anxiety...

    What's happened to my life? Where did all of this chaos come from?

    I can't believe that three short years ago I was having the time of my life and now I've basically reduced my life to nothing, a shell of its former self.

    I feel like nothing more than a worthless loser in this world. Nothing separates me from anybody else. I'm just another person, except I'm a person with no resolution in sight. I think about ending it, because then I don't have to feel any of this. I don't have to feel the pain or anxiety. If I ended it, I wouldn't have to think about it. It would be over. I wouldn't ever have to feel anything else ever again. Nada, zip. I know, I wouldn't be able to feel happiness, either, but hey, I haven't felt happiness since 2009. What guarantees me that I'll find it again.

    I KNOW that it's a loser mentality, but that's just that.... that's why I just said that I feel like a pathetic, worthless loser. So many more people have gone through tougher things than me, but there's a reason for that: they are tougher than me. I'm a walking, talking, breathing, eating joke. Describes me to a tee. I don't even add anything to anybody else's life, really. And if I do, then what is that? My ex used to think I was all that and a bowl of popcorn... then she cheated on me. I went from being her superman, from being her world to being nothing. She kicked me out of her life and didn't care about what the hell happened to me.

    So I sit here, typing this incoherent thread on this forum............. I don't want to end it, but I FEEL like ending it, because I've been patiently thinking about it for the last two years. I'm not exactly sure how I would do it; I just have some alcohol.

    Let me say something... If I did end it, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE RIGHT NOW.

    Please read that again: NOT RIGHT NOW. Just making that a point.

    I'm tired of the unwarranted feelings of pain, the insecurities and the anxiety. How in the heck do I become confident like I used to be? I can't stand feeling like a joke, but how am I supposed to feel when she took every intangible away from me... how am I supposed to feel when I already feel like I add NOTHING to another person's life?

    What's sad is that, even online on forums to people that I've know for years on other sites, they act like they have no desire to want to talk to me... am I really that worthless? I feel so damn isolated, and I don't like it. I remember when she (ex) used to not be able to go a day without seeing me or talking to me... funny how quickly things changed. I miss meaning that much to somebody. She gave me a reason to be here.

    A lot of people say, "Well, hey! Don't allow another person to be your life or allow enough person to define your existent"... but that's easy to say when you are not in that position. It was the greatest feeling in the world when she held me in such high regard like that. I LOVED being able to make a difference in another person's day. Now? I don't make a difference to anybody's day.

    I have people telling me to 'man up', people telling me to NOT 'chase my dreams' and people saying to simply 'get over her and find somebody else' like it's so simple.

    Like I said, the joke's on me, but the sweet paradox is that I'm the de facto joke.
  2. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    You are 21 and some1 said you are too late for school or something like that? What a joke! To make you feel any better, I'm back to college and I am 39. almost 20 years older than you starting over. How's that for a surprise? You being 21, you could even eat a rock and digest well (if you know what I mean). Some people believe in "stages" of life. I say everybody's timing of certain stage is different due to circumstances and therefore doesn't make you inferior than other people. This life is unfair, some people's burden is heavier than other people. Just do whatever that's rational and right and eventually you will feel better at the end.
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I know it's not easy to get over someone who hurt you so badly, so I won't say "just move on". I'm still affected by things that happened to me years ago, and it can be really hard to overcome. But in the big picture, if people treat you like shit or use you, then they shouldn't matter at all. You are giving her the power by letting her actions affect you so deeply. If she did all that to you, then she isn't someone you should even waste time thinking about. You aren't a worthless loser and you aren't a bad person. Whoever told you it's too late to start over in college is full of crap. I haven't even gone to college yet but I intend to do that someday. I certainly don't think I'm too old to do that, and neither are you.

    I know what you mean about people being rude to you...it often seems that people don't understand where I'm coming from, or don't like me because of something they perceive that I am. They probably assume I'm stuck up because I'm standoffish, but I'm just a very shy person. I've gotten to the point where I don't care if I fit in, because if someone doesn't want to get to know you, or judges you without knowing you, then their opinion doesn't mean squat. It might not mean much but, I can relate to how you're feeling and I do care. I know you said you don't want to kill yourself immediately, but I hope you don't ever. That would just be a lot of wasted potential because I think you have the power to really change your life.
  4. TigersMomJ

    TigersMomJ Active Member

    I just read your very long post and for some weird reason it made me smile. Don't be blue. I like you. You're smart and funny.
  5. RuggedWarrior

    RuggedWarrior New Member

    Funny thing is, friends think I'm some kind of super confident guy who's wise and gives advice. I already have a bit of gray hair (not a lot, but it's clearly visible), and I joke with friends in jest that they are wisdom whiskers. I have a way of going into "fake it till you make it" mode, which is all a bunch of malarkey, pure grade A BS. I call it absolute crap because I don't believe a bit of it. I feel guilty that so many of my friends think that I'm some kind of wise, confident guy because I'm the exact opposite and then some. While I give them advice, I don't follow the words that I spew.

    I have this debilitating paranoia, too. My vehicle is old ('91). In November, the brakes went out. I was on a highway when it initially happened, but when I found out (pressing my foot down onto the brake pedal), it was near a stoplight behind a truck, and I was already slowing down, so I pulled over very swiftly into the grassy area beside the road. I'm still paranoid that something like that will happen again.

    I'm alright tonight. I posted this initial thread last night because I simply broke down. I'm only alright tonight, though, because I'm looking forward to Sunday evening... I'm hanging out with two close friends for a couple of hours. After that, though, I dread it, because the empty feelings will return. See, I love being alone, and what I mean by being alone, I mean being with my thoughts and thinking and doing whatever I want in peace. What I DO NOT like is being unhappy while being alone.

    'Easy' solution, right? "What makes you happy?" [Fill in the blank here]. I'm not as passionate about the same things as I was before. I used to be into writing often and reading often. I used to write every day. I once had aspirations of becoming a writer. I used to look forward to reading, and now I simply just do not care. I used to enjoy watching sports often, as well as movies often, but I don't care about either. It's been this way for about two years. I halfway pretend to care about sports, but I used to be so passionate about watching them. As for movies, I'll watch one or two a month, and even then I just feel so bored with them. As for video games, I can go on a streak where I play nonstop for a week, but then I go six months without even picking up the controller. I've never had a problem with giving up gaming, so I don't really care about it either.

    I used to be so passionate about the things I used to do. Now? Emptiness. Plain emptiness.

    I just want to be happy again, but all I feel is time slipping, passing me by. I want to go back to classes in the fall. I fear that, though. I have an unwarranted and irrational fear that the admissions office is just going to laugh at me and chastise me over my past actions. I signed up for a semester back in 2009, attended one class, flunked the others by not showing up (dumb mistake; yeah, I know, I was an idiot. Thanks.), etc. I feel like the head honcho of the admissions office is going to tell me it's a bad idea to re-sign up for classes or give me a lecture about how I'm not going to be able to come back. Every time I think about these scenarios, my heart rate increases.

    I seriously don't understand what's the point of prolonging my life if I'm not going to do anything with it? Desperately, I want to achieve something. I want to go into the field that I want to go into and not have to worry about being screwed out of it. These debilitating thoughts wreck me. I have no desire to continue living if I'm just going to be mediocre for the rest of my life.

    So, go to college, get a job, turn it into a career, find a spouse, get a house, have kids, save money, watch them grow up, send them off to college, they leave, then what? Grow old and die? That's the cliched linear de facto typical lifestyle, I guess. I don't even know if I want exactly what, because it doesn't appeal to me.

    That's my mentality. Maybe it's a loser mentality, maybe it's an honest mentality, or maybe it's simple the mentality of an unstable guy, but it is what it is.

    Bottom line, I just want to be happy. I hear these people, or read what these different people have to say all over the web, people pulling out these Nike esque quotes, "Wanna be happy? Just be happy!" but it's just registers itself as dreck in my mind. Pure crap. I know what happy feels like. Three years ago at this very exact time, I was the happiest person in the world, but happiness is mercurial. You can't be happy all the time in life. You just simply can't. There has to be a fine line. You have to learn to never allow the highs (happy times) to be too high or the lows (sad times) to be too low. You have to create a center balance. I think that's why I simply haven't went ahead and offed myself yet. It's part that, part fear and part uncertainty about the future.

    If I knew that I wasn't going to be any more than mediocre, I would get it over with and end my life, but here's the kicker: I don't know what I'm going to be. Hell, nobody really does, I reckon. I'm just a 21 year old KID that looks like a rugged, confident adult when I'm just a kid inside. It makes me smirk and almost laugh out loud when strangers anoint me as "sir" or "mister". It's ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. I'm 21 years old, but guess what? I'm a kid. There's no reason to acknowledge me as an adult. Doesn't matter how I look, act or sound. On the inside, I'm just all screwed up even if I BS it on the outside. It's the way it is.

    I started drinking some vodka earlier tonight at about, I don't know, say 9:30 or so. And you know what? I took a glass, filled it halfway, and filled the vodka with Gillette razors. You know why? Vodka restores the vigor of razors, defaces the rust. Didn't know that, did you? I only found out recently. I can shave happily now.

    What about happiness? My happiness is like my Gillette razors. Where's my vodka to rekindle the latent incandescent light that was once happiness in my life?

    I'm TRYING, but I don't know what the F to do. I want to be happy, but deep inside, I'm not. I can have momentarily moments of happiness, but momentary might as well be synonymous with temporary. It doesn't last. The happiness is usually fickle, too. It can be simply from listening to a song or eating a 20 ounce ribeye. It's short-lived.

    I want a stasis of happiness. It doesn't have to be a holly jolly state of mind where I'm diddling and skipping through a forest of lollipops. That's unrealistic a bit out there. No. I just want things to be like they were in 2008 and 2009. Everything was right in front of me. I was looking forward to things. I was happy. Friends and my girlfriend. My girlfriend was not yet a liar and cheater. She was still a sweetie. She loved me. No BS was going on behind my back. I could say I was confident, feel confident and be confident without faking confidence. I was, simply put, me. I had an aura about myself. Natural charisma. I attracted people.

    Like I said, I can't believe how much has changed over the last three years. I turn people off now. Everybody. It's easy to say, "Well, hey, RuggedWarrior, it's because of your awful attitude, but here's the kicker: nobody, except the good folks on here, know about my 'awful attitude', which I don't think is as much of an awful attitude rather than an empty, baseless sad attitude. On the outside I project faked confidence. Body language is on key and all that jazz, but it's phony. I'm a schmuck.

    I'm simply subsisting. I feel bad for eating sometimes. Seriously do. Why am I eating? Eating food, containing calories, I'm putting energy into my body. Energy for what? For moping. That's what it is. Moping. Energy for typing this. Energy to prolong more and more what I feel is futile days of absolute emptiness and de facto sadness. I just don't understand the point anymore. She (the ex) told me I'd never be alone, but she kicked me to the curb and made sure that I'd be alone. She told me that she'd always be here for me, but that was a double edged sword, because I was there for her while she ignored me before subsequently booting me out of her life. If I was 'so great' and 'a great person' and 'amazing to be around', then why did she kick me out? Why do my friends only come to me when they need advice OR when they want something tangible (money, a ride somewhere, etc.)?

    I'm surrounded by great things. Books, a clean house, this computer... I appreciate these things, but why should I have them? Why should I continue living when I don't see shit in myself and I haven't seen a thing within me over the past two years?
  6. TigersMomJ

    TigersMomJ Active Member

    I seriously don't know if I'm in a state of mind to help people or not tonight as I'm feeling more than a bit wacky (holly jolly, diddling, skipping through a field of lollipops), but I really like reading your posts. I'm sorry your ex hurt you so deeply. It alway surprises me how cold people can be after "loving" someone. The only thing I know is you are NOT a loser. You are honest. And you are amusing and intelligent as well. I can see why people would be drawn to you. I know what it means to have a secret side of you that you hide from people, always wondering how to fix our cracks as we're leaned on constantly for support. I hope that by being here you can share some of your burden and feel some sense of relief.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2012
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