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Have I been raped or abused?

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Hi everyone! I'm new on the forum, and English isn't my native language, so I apologize if I make mistakes.

I'm 18 years old and I've been depressed for maybe five to six years and suffered from eating disorder for a quite a long time (I've had strange eating behaviour and a false body image already when I was a child).

I have one big problem and I don't know how to solve it. I've been sexually harassed by some unknown guys and older men, and also by some guys that I know. I don't know am I stupid or what but I'm really scared of men and I constantly see terrrible nightmares where I'm raped, cutted, skinned alive, etc.
Usually I wake up strartled or sometimes even screaming and it takes a long time to calmn down, because I'm almost sure that I'm not alone in the room.

I see occassionally illusions (I'm not sure if it's the right word), like that I wake up and someone holds hand over my mouth and I can't breathe, or when I'm out at night (I cannot go out anymore in the day, so when I go out, I go when it's dark and less people) someone runs "over" me, or trough me and one time I saw a man hanged on a tree, and it looked very real but when I got next to him he suddenly disappeared. I also sometimes hear illusions, like one time I heard some unnatural scream when I was jogging at night. It shocked me and I can't even describe it.

I cannot really talk about these to anyone, and I feel really embarrassed about this post, I'm sorry if this hurts anyones feelings... I'm not sure if I've been raped 'cause I don't have any clear memories, but I have overwhelming fear of sexuality and men. I don't want to sleep, 'cause I don't want to have those nightmares. In the summer I didn't sleep at all for even a week and I got really messed up.

I haven't seen people for months, except for my mother and my brother. I have been isolated for like one and a half year. Sometimes I haven't gone out for a month at all and this really eats me alive. I don't know can I talk about these things but I cut myself and do other self harm usually every day, I also feel that I'm "dirty" and I try to purge myself in many different ways (like I sleep on the floor, take cold showers etc.). I don't feel that I can be pure anymore, but my eating disorderd minds goal is to achieve purity. I feel that I don't deserve to be alive.

I've thought about that sometimes when person experiences so traumatic thing that his/her mind can't cope it, his/her mind blocks that memory "off". I am not sure if this has happened to me, but I don't know anymore what to think. It is really hard to think that this could be true, but I really need some reason why I'm so fucked up. I've got some reasons, like my parent's devorse, and that my very best friend that I'd known for more than six years turned back on me and made my life hell when we were in secondary school (13-15) and I was also bullied by some others at the time. But those things won't explain everything.

I feel like I'm all alone in the universe, I don't have a life anymore, I don't do "anything" except for hurt myself. Music and my dog are my best friends and they help me alot. I wouldn't be here without my dog. I lie to my parents about my condition, 'cause I don't want them to worry. I feel so guilty for being me, and hurting my relatives and people who are near to me just because I don't know how to live.

I want to wrap myself with clothes and I don't want anybody to see me naked. I want to feel my bones, and I'm disgusted of my flesh. I want to vanish so that nobody can see me or hurt me. I hate when people hug me, I feel like I'm suffocating.

I'm scared and I don't know anymore how long I can take this anymore... could someone please say something about this fear of mine..?
it could be that you have been raped or abused, and then your mind refused to accept it...but I dunno.its possible. I know that you don't remember, so i won't ask...I hope that you can find out what happened to you. There are also many disorders that you could have, they make you hallucinate, and be afraid of being around people. PM me and i will give you more info or just talk...

many safe and loving hugs,
Sismial, hey...it really could have been either one. I'm not sure...it sounds like a combination of both. As Songie said there are quite a few "conditions" that can create hallucinations, or those sudden feelings. Like Songie you can talk with me too. I always come here daily...so if you ever need to talk you can't PM me right now, but if you want to e-mail me it's Shattered_soul92@yahoo.com I hope I can help in some way.
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