Have I finally reached the end?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Downpour, Dec 29, 2013.

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  1. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    My phone is missing. I think I need a couple stitches. I was just in a huge fight with my husband. I'm desperate to hurt myself. I hate the way I feel. I hate myself. I need help. But my phone is missing and so I can't call for help. My life is hopeless. I don't deserve to be alive. I'm a horrible person. I need to find my phone.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you need to get away from the house go to a neighbors ok use their phone go somewhere safe so y ou can get some help hugs don't worry abt the pHone for now
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am very sorry to hear that you are in danger. I do hope you will find a way to get to a neighbors phone and call for help.

    if you cannot do that, perhaps you can use your computer to contact police or a women's helpline.

    Or could you email a loved one and ask them to come to pick you up. Or to call and get help for you.

    The abusers often apologize and tell their victum they will not do it again. But you do need help and protection. Please keep posting here. To let us know what is happening. Let us know how we can help. Please

    Women who are abused do feel hopeless, they do feel like they do not deserve to be alive. And they do feel like they are horrible people. I want to tell you that the feelings and thoughts are a result of abuse. They are not real truth. It is not hopless. But I do think it is important to find a way to get safe. As you likely know all too well, the physical injuries and minimal compared to the psychological damage that abuse causes. Even if in a day or so you feel you are out of danger, the psychological damage does continue until people who are being abused get safe. So I do hope you can find a way to get help. you Deserve that. ((((((Downpour)))))))
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2013
  4. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    I'm not in danger from him now. He's not home. I don't know what will happen when he comes back. Part of me doesn't want him to come back. I did hurt myself. I feel like everything is my fault. I caused the fight, I'm just not sure how it happened. I found my phone, but I didn't call anyone. No one can help anyway. If I have the energy and motivation, I'm going to continue hurting myself. I know I probably sound crazy, but that's the only way for me to get through this. I wish that someone could help me. People tell me I'm doing everything right (in terms of going to therapy, etc.). If that's the case, why am I not getting any better? Why am I still horrible? Why is my life still so messed up?
  5. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    I guess this is a busy time of year for the suicide hotlines. I tried to chat with one a couple times, but it didn't go through.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Downpour, I think it is great that you are going to therapy and working on things. Yes. I just wonder if things can really get better as long as you are living with someone who is abusive toward you. So I wonder if while you are living with him if you can really recover. Perhaps that is something you can ask your therapist about.

    I am sorry to hear that you are self injuring. I know you will not believe my words. But you do not deserve to be hurt.
  7. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I understand what you're saying. It's complicated though, as most things are. It's entirely possible that I deserved what he did. I probably did. But that just makes it harder to live with myself. I was in the car a few minutes ago and I heard the song "If I Die Young". It pulled at my emotions so much that I almost decided to turn around and drive to the psych emergency. I want to kill myself, and I don't want to kill myself. I wish there were a solution.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes I totally understand that it is complicated. I am wondering if it might be a good idea to call your therapist and tell her or him what happened. And get the feedback if the therapist thinks it was your fault. I can tell you that no words said deserve a response of physical abuse from a man. He has a responsability to not physically harm you. This is everyones personal responsability.

    I used to believe when abusers would abuse someome I love and blame me for it. The abusers would find a way to convince me I was responsible for it. Because I loved the person being abused I would accept the blame. I would be told time and again by others specifically how it was not my fault that the abuser abused the person I loved. But the abuser had me convinced that it was my fault. To this day I cannot even keep in my mind why it supposedly was not my fault. Because my "default" is to go to self blame. So the abusers had a great advantage in convincing me it was my fault, if you know what I mean.

    Usually abusers also blame the person they are abusing. Or those around them. Its part of the whole thing. I was abused by my mother. Sure I provoked her sometimes. And yes she blamed me. And yes. I accepted the blame. Completely. Because I sometimes provoked her by what I said, was it my fault that I was abused?

    Just some things to think about, regarding self blame. I still am wondering if you might be able to call your therapist and run it by him or her to see if the self blame is justified. Sending safe hugs for you. Please stay safe from him and from your own thoughts of self hatred. please.
  9. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Downpour, in case no one has ever told you this. In no uncertain terms:

    You always, always deserve to be alive. There is absolutely no doubt about that, no matter what you might be feeling or thinking at this moment.

    You never, ever deserve to be abused, not matter what you did. Again, there are no exceptions to this. Your husbands behavior is completely unacceptable.

    You may have done some things you think are horrible. You are admitting that. If you are genuinely regretful, then you have forgiveness.

    You probably are doing many things right, and that is good. But change does not happen quickly, it takes time and consistent effort. Keep doing what you are doing, and more.

    Don't give up, you can find a way out of this situation. You can find solutions if you make the decision to live and to do whatever it takes.

    If you don't believe what I have said, then at least believe that I believe it, and that I am here right now for the sole purpose of letting you know these things for a reason.
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    downpour, Please do talk to your therapist if at all possible. Will you do that please? :hug:
  11. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    I guess I could give her a call. I feel bad about bothering her though. I don't know how to get in contact with her at the office (the only number I have is her work cell phone). But I suppose I could try sometime this afternoon.
  12. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    I sat here with the phone, looking at the number, trying to think of what I would say. I couldn't make the call. I feel like a needy idiot calling her like that. I don't know what to do.
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    perhaps you could say that a lady in her 60s convinced you to make the call even though you did not want to bother the t.The lady in her 60s is moi. Do you think you could try that? :hug:
  14. OldGuy

    OldGuy Active Member

    This is what you as when you call your therapist:
    I realize you've found your phone so take that out and just read what you posted to your therapist. It is your therapist job to help "needy" people. It is what they do. They don't mind it.

    This man in his late 50's has been there; staring at the phone trying to decide whether or not to press the call button. I've ultimately been glad when I did press call.
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