have just acknowledged childhood abuse

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by icequeen, Apr 15, 2011.

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  1. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    my therapist caught me out this morning in notes i have to keep and show him...i hadnt read them over cos i was in a bad place...and hadnt realised i had referred to something that had nothing to do with our session. he tried to press me on it but i wouldnt tell him as i thought i had surpressed it so long and didnt really want to discuss it...last time i remembered was at family funeral in 2003 and he hugged me goodbye and i froze in horror. therapist said he wouldnt push further and we could talk about it in future if i wanted.

    now today its playing on my mind and i dont know what to do..i dont really want to give in and tell but i dont want it interfering with what took me to therapist in first place.

    do i deal with a long buried demon and discuss with either doc or therapist or continue to hide it for self preservation reasons. i have never ever told anyone what happened and thought i had buried it. confused and i just dont need to deal with this as well, but pysch says it may well be making current probs harder to handle...i dont know what to do. any advice pls?
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Yes, deal with it as best you can.
    It will have an effect in adult life and can lead to difficult times in certain situations.
    There are ways to work on this, i could write a ten thousand word post here.
    Im 42 now, i wish i had not locked it away, yes, i got on with life.
    No! i let it seep in and it is like a cancer, it eats you away even though you cant see it. That cancer spreads and manifests itself in so many aspects of your life.
    Please pm me if you want to talk about this, my ears are open to you
    I so wish you well.
    I need to add here, im a man.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2011
  3. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thanks me myself and i, its something that i hadnt thought had anything to do with how i feel right now, but therapist suggests "it" may not help deal with current trauma. if i tell it gets written down on record and no way can i deal with that, it makes it more real, but now sessions have made it rear its ugly head i wonder who i am protecting..me or him and now its distracting me and i dont want it to consume me, like you say, its a silent cancer thats a good way to describe it. thanks for your offer...just need to figure out if i even want to talk about it. i feel for you ...:hug:

    p.s. i dont care what your gender is...you are not to blame and have been there i am guessing...so thanks :hug:
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I can't give you the same empathy as MM&I - and I thank God that that's the case...however what I would say is this:

    You have hidden this for a long time, as with concealing any truth it puts a huge strain on you - and due to the nature of this one I can't fathom how large that pressure is.

    But you say you're hiding it for 'self-preservation'. I would question if this is really self-preservation because the protection you're trying to give yourself isn't working - this is not a case of as you put it' give in and tell' - because no blame attaches itself to what you went through, or being honest with yourself about it.

    Where I can give you some advice - although on a smaller scale - is to say that this doesn't interfere with why you're seeing a therapist in the first place. A therapist is there to help you with your state of mind, it helps them do their job enormously, if they have a fuller picture.

    As for it consuming you? I can only say that in dealing with my depression, I found it consumes/d me much quicker when I am silent about what is happening. It's easier when you find the right time to be open.

    I realise that's rambling, and probably none of it made sense, but I hope you can glean something from it - as ever, my PM box is always open.

    Much love and big hugs,
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Definitely explore this in therapy, couldn't agree with me/myself/I more.
    I too squashed all memory of abuse and for years it ate at me like acid.
    Therapy helped me face it and move on. Go for it!
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Icequeen -

    Definitely explore this and work through it. It is difficult, very difficult, and you may find yourself extremely triggered. Ask whomever you speak with to allow some time at the end of your sessions to clear your mind a little before leaving.

    We cannot move forward if we have not dealt with our past. And, even though you think you might have suppressed it - it is still there, still within and still affecting you in ways you may not realize.

    Please take care. hugs.
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    It's very true what your therapist is saying.
    These things, can have a big knock on effect in our lives, and can effect many other problems.
    I've yet to talk about my past in this regard with a therapist, I tried, but this country SUCKS, and i was sent away saying I wasnt ready and i dont have good coping techniques. Which is a loud of crap, as they should teach me those. but I digress.
    The thing is that the feelings associated with these trauma,s when we dont deal with them, and they come up with other problems, can cause us to regress to those moments when that happened, and that can knock us back quite a bit.
    I think, in your own time, you should aproach this topic, and if your therapist is good, and your comfortable with them, its better than leaving it and having to come back in later years with a new therapist who you have to get comfortable with all over again.

    :hug: hun, I feel you and i wish you the best
    Here if you need me
  8. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thank you everyone for your thoughts and i can see the sense in all tht you say. friend took me for long walk today and i found myself consciously trying not to think about this period of my life, so i will think about discussing with therapist in future..i just didnt want to go there or get distracted from current treatment but i guess its true...ripples spread..i dont see therapist now for 2 weeks due to bank holidays so have time to accept and get my head round discussing this with him at some stage as its clearly not going away easily.

    thank you all it kinda helps to actually admit it happened rather than struggle to hide from it again. :grouphug:
  9. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    its really bothering me tonight and no matter how i try to ignore its there...and i am angry..why would something from 35 years ago bother you...now i cant close my eyes without seeing and hearing him...thats so unfair! how do i get past this till i see my therapist...i sure as hell dont want to end in hospital again...i hate that this is invading my thoughts and i resent current therapy for doing it. any ideas on how to divert my thoughts from this would be welcome xx
  10. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    What normally gets your mind of bad thoughts?
    Ive tried music and meditation.
    Music normally helps people, or somethign you can focus on.
  11. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    :cheekkissmusic sometimes help...but you have no control over lyrics and sometimes it can be a trigger. at the mo i have so many triggers for my probs i actively avoid any new ones as they are draining..i just try and keep things contained without blowing my mind till therapy works and i can expand my conscience.

    thanks for the suggestion and welcome all ideas
  12. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Well pick songs that arent triggering and that cause good memories and thoughts for you

    What about a favourite tv show?

    or something you enjoy?

    for instance, i have art.
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i have many difficult nights like you describe. ones where the memories and flashbacks won't leave me alone.

    i do a bunch of things. call a friend and invite myself over. write a letter to my abuser. write a letter to my therapist. remind myself that this is just fallout, and that it's not actually happening to me now. self soothing, like having a nice hot bath and putting on fresh, fluffy pyjamas. reading about other survivors stories (there are a bunch of blogs i read, i can give you the URLs if you are interested). rereading the courage to heal, which is an excellent resource. watching music videos of my favorite bands on youtube. making collages.

    anything except my two bad habits, which are cutting and looking at online pornography. those two things make me feel better for only a short while, and then i feel much, much worse.

    it's worth spending some time in therapy talking about how you can keep yourself safe while dealing with the memories. brainstorm on some strategies together. i've ended up in the hospital three times because of fallout from sexual abuse (new memories, nightmares, etc.). i was diagnosed with ptsd because of it. as a result we go really slowly and carefully in therapy. i take drugs for the nightmares, propranalol. it might be worth looking into if you are having bad dreams.

    take care,

  14. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Only you can decide if it is the right time to talk about a specific subject or event in your life. It is you that has to deal with your own demons. I will say this, you put a certain measure of trust in a doctor and/or psychiatrist when you choose to use them to help you heal; so why not trust their advisement in talking about an issue. It's not easy, it's a terribly frightening thing to open up and put yourself in such a vulnerable position. However, I sincerely believe it to be a necessary step in becoming healed.

    My best advise is to trust your doctor, they're the professional. Still you must look out for your own heart, because only you understand how fragile and damaged it is. Try and find that magical balancing point which allows you to move forward, but not so fast you become regressively uncomfortable. :hug:
  15. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thanks for all the advice, this "new" issue has been plaguing me a lot more the last weeks than ever in my lifetime and i have decided to discuss with psych at some stage in future once we have got up to date with the reason i was seeing him..as i only see him on a fri am missing 2 sessions cos of bank holidays but i feel a little more at ease now that i have decided to face it rather than waste more energy trying to blot it out. thanks :D
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Icequeen -

    Be careful with you. Working through this is awfully hard and triggering. Take it at your pace, as others have said. Have plans or ideas already set up for when you do become triggered, that will help you through those times.

    I wish we could all close our eyes and have all this pain and confusion and all of the other hundreds of emotions and feelings disappear.

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